How To Choose The Right Divorce Coach For You

Divorce coaching, like menopause coaching, is an area that’s seen massive growth in recent years. And, on the whole, that’s something to celebrate. Because it shows people, particularly women, are more comfortable to acknowledge both the trauma and opportunity that comes with divorce, and to prioritise themselves and seek the help they need.

However, more people on the ‘divorce scene’ means more confusion for women like you. How do you know whether divorce coaching is right for you? And if it is, how do you go about choosing the right divorce coach for you? 

Here are three questions to ask yourself as you decide which divorce coach is right for you. Because there are differences in what’s on offer. Taking the time to do this research now will save you money, time and emotional energy down the line.

1. What do I need?

So, you’re considering divorce, or you’re already in the midst of the process, and you’re wondering whether a divorce coach is a good idea to help you get across the finish line in one piece. But what do you really want and need? Here are the things I offer as a divorce coach. There’s one thing I don’t offer and you’ll have to read down to point three of the blog to find out what that is!

• A place for you to be yourself: you can say anything - believe me, after a decade of coaching, plus my years as a mediator and legal adviser before that, I’ve seen and heard it all! You don’t have to be your ‘best’ self. You are safe with me. Though when you are continually self-sabotaging, as a coach it’s my job to lovingly call you out on it. 
• Up-to-date, fully informed legal information: as a former legal professional it’s important to me that I maintain my legal knowledge and networks so I can best support you. I don’t give legal advice - only currently registered legal professionals can do that - but I help you make sense of the options available to you,  drawing on my years of experience. 
• Strategy development: every divorce needs a strategy. A strategy isn’t carved in stone, it’s a vision with flexibility on how you get there, underpinned by values. Even if your divorce is uncomplicated, it’s important to have your strategy in place. It becomes absolutely crucial if you have a complex, high net worth or high conflict divorce. Because you’ll find yourself floundering, and financially and emotionally on the rocks, without one. 
• Emotional and personal development support: divorce as a legal process is a paper trail. One that needs to be followed. However, the lived experience of divorce is so much more than that. It’s one of the most stressful life events you can experience. I help you manage the lows, and also seize the opportunities. Because divorce really is the opportunity for a stock-take, a reset, to really, truly get to the heart of what matters to you, and to your life going forward. 

Are these things important to you in your divorce? Think about the sort of support you want and need from a coach, and make sure a potential coach has the expertise to match. 

2. What’s their background?

Divorce coaching is currently unregulated, which can be seen as both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it allows for a diversity of support. A curse because it leaves women looking for support with little assurance that the coach in front of them is equipped for their role. In theory, anyone could establish themselves as a divorce coach and advertise their services right now! So the onus is on you to do your due diligence. Ask yourself:

• What’s their training? Do they have coaching qualifications? Do they have training in emotional support? 
• What’s their experience? How long have they worked in this field? Are there testimonials or other recommendations you can take a look at? 
• What’s their story? Why are they in this work? While having gone through their own divorce can be a powerful motivator, and give them a strong sense of purpose, make sure any coach you work with is able to separate out their own divorce from yours - because every divorce is different, and the focus of the coaching relationship needs to be on you. 
• Do I feel a rapport with this person? For coaching to be most effective, you need to feel able to be honest and vulnerable, and know that the person in front of you will get it.

3. How ready am I to act?

Emotional support in divorce is not exactly the same as divorce coaching, even though divorce coaching includes emotional support. Why? Because coaching has a future focus. It’s about helping you figure out what’s important, and what you want from your life. And then taking the steps, sometimes baby steps, sometimes with plenty of breaks, towards that future.

The main focus of coaching isn’t about processing what happened in the past, or going over what a complete tool your soon-to-be-ex is. Acknowledging those things are important, and they are an important part of being able to move forward. It comes up all the time with my clients, of course, it does. But the women I work with understand that their main focus now needs to be on them, not their useless ex, and the life they want and need to create for themselves. 

If you are not ready to move forward, and take action to move forward, you don’t need a divorce coach right now. A therapist would be helpful, to help you process everything that’s happened. 

Beware of divorce support groups, especially large ones, that don’t have skilled and proactive facilitation. It might feel good in the short term to be in a group with lots of other women facing similar issues. However, if there is no support, either therapeutic, or within a coaching framework, this sort of network will be keeping you stuck. I closed my own free online group for this very reason! I wasn’t able to support over 1000 women appropriately, for free. 

I am now much more willing to direct women to therapeutic support if that’s what they need in the first instance, rather than trying to help everyone! As a divorce coach, I act with integrity, and within the bounds of my expertise and profession. I’m a trained listener - trained in NLP, Multiple Brain Intelligence (MBit),  Counselling Skills levels 1 & 2, mediation and high conflict diversion as well as a coach and former lawyer - but it would be wrong of me to work with people who primarily needed therapy first. 

If you’re curious about whether I’m the right divorce coach for you, I’d love to chat! Book in your free 15 minute call here.

Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com

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