How do you prepare for a tough conversation?

First comes the moment of shock as the person says something you really didn’t expect.

Then you feel a flash of anger or an instant, “Yeah, but…!” comes to your lips.

And with that, you are embroiled in a tough conversation.

Sometimes we know ahead of time that the conversation will be tough. Other times it springs up on us. Maybe it’s a denial about something you know they did. Or an air of absolute certainty about a topic that the other person clearly knows nothing about. Or even a racist or political comment you weren’t expecting.

Reacting properly in the moment takes self-command muscle and the ability to activate your Sage powers. You develop that through the Positive Intelligence techniques I frequently talk about in this newsletter.

But when you have the opportunity to prepare for a tough conversation, what do you do?

Here is a suggestion: Rehearse it with a person you trust.

I strongly recommend a guide to handling difficult conversations from author, speaker, trainer, and martial artist Judy Ringer. I have built this into my own leadership work with credit to her.

Go open that up after you read this article. It will be helpful and make sense. I’ll post the link at the bottom here.

To rehearse your tough conversation, work with a trusted partner. (Use me as your rehearsal partner, if you like. That’s part of what I do.) In that call, use this agenda:

PURPOSE: Help me walk through a tough conversation

AGENDA:

1. Situation: The conversation I need to have and what makes it tough. Where I would like help from you.
2. My Assumptions: What I think is going on with this person and situation.
3. My Preparation: What I want as the result of the conversation. What pushback or challenges I’m expecting. How I might have contributed to this problem. What I can do to stay calm and check my assumptions. How I can stay curious and empathetic to them.
4. How I will Invite them into Conversation: What I will say/email to get them to the conversation without making them defensive.
5. My Starter: What I will say to start this conversation. (Help me rehearse this.)
6. My Goal: How I will listen to them AND go after what I need from the conversation.
7. Rehearsal and Advice: Let me try it out. What do you think I should do or not do?

(TIP: Keep that meeting purpose as the subject and put this agenda right into the invitation. Edit as you like.)

Use that rehearsal time to get yourself to a greater degree of comfort with that conversation.

Sometimes under stress we come across too strong and dictatorial. Other times, we come across as too wishy-washy or tentative. By preparing and talking it through, bouncing your ideas off your trusted partner, you can ease your own concerns and be seen as you want to be seen.

Try this out.

And if you’d like my help, feel free to schedule a call to do your rehearsal. (I can’t do that on an unlimited basis, but I am more than happy to get you off to a good start.)

Your chief rehearsal partner and idea-bouncer,

--Steve

[article link] Judy Ringer, “We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations,”