How to Give (and Accept) an Apology

The talented comedian Kathy Griffin did something quite distasteful when she posted a photo holding a bloody Trumpish head. She also did something quite instructive shortly thereafter. She apologized, and while I might only rate the quality of her apology as a 7 (out of 10) she deserves some credit for what she got right.

While I think it is likely that everyone who reads the paragraph above is going to find something to hate about it, let's just take a deep breath and contemplate what we might learn from this situation. And remember, while we may not make our mistakes on the world stage, every one of us has done dumb/wrong things for which we owed an apology to others.

Update - After her initial apology which I felt was very strong and appropriate, Kathy followed up with a press conference (accompanied by her attorney) in which she backtracked, positioned herself as a "victim" and essentially invalidated every positive element of previous apology.

When I know I have wronged someone and an apology is due, here are the personal guidelines I use to determine if my effort is adequate:

• Apologize quickly - as soon as you know you have wronged another person, even if the other person isn't aware of it or didn't take offense at your words/actions, apologize without hesitation or delay.
• Apologize specifically - rather than speak in general terms, state exactly what you did wrong. The words you used. The action you took (or didn't). The responsibility you avoided. Whatever it was, address is factually and specifically.
• Apologize unambiguously - don't get too caught up in WHY you did it, because this is a classic way that we let ourselves off the hook. Do not shift blame or responsibility. You need to OWN the harm you have done.
• Apologize personally - remember you have wronged PEOPLE, and it is important to let them know that you understand the personal hurt you have caused. If your language is too high-minded or conceptual, the apology will fall flat.
• Commit to be better in the future - this can seem like the hardest part, but it is actually quite simple and easy. You are not promising to be perfect, you are committing to be better, to make the effort.

So when I rate my own apologies or those of others on a 1-10 scale, I give up to 2 points for each of the items above. And as I mentioned in the first paragraph, on this scale Kathy gets a 7, at least from me. If she had mentioned Donald Trump and his family in her apology, plus committed to being better in the future, she would have gotten a 10.

Now the Hard Part: How to Accept an Apology

I am amazed at the number of people who will stand on their high horse demanding an apology, for themselves or on behalf of others, and will then absolutely refuse to accept an apology when it is offered. Of course they have their common reasons:

• It wasn't sincere.
• It wasn't soon enough.
• It only happened because they were caught.
• I'm not ready to forgive.
• He needs to experience more pain in order to learn his lesson.
• I'll wait to see if she has really changed.

Accepting an apology is not the same as forgiveness. When someone offers an apology, you can sincerely accept it AND reserve ultimate judgement for later. Withholding your acceptance of a sincerely delivered apology, even if it is imperfect, does nothing but perpetuate the harmful situation.

Apologize quickly. Forgive easily. Get on with your lives and try to be better.

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My new book "Workplace Poker" includes career advice with a dash of smirky, sassy humor. Is it is available everywhere books are sold. You can view a brief video of reader comments by clicking on the link below.

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