How to Handle Conflicts at Work

Do you see conflict and promptly run in the opposite direction? Avoid those difficult conversations out of fear? You're not alone. However, good leadership is about facing disagreements head on with care and compassion. Learning how to have hard conversations is imperative to your success and growth at work.

To help us tackle exactly how to have those hard conversations I tapped enneagram expert and conflict consultant extraordinaire, Jenn Whitmer. Jenn broke down her methods of leaning into leadership, handling delicate conversations in the workplace and frameworks to help us think about approaches we can take when problems arise.

Defining The Conflict

I was surprised to learn Jenn is conflict-avoidant too! It's important to start by defining what conflict actually is. Jenn describes conflict as the struggle between limited resources - which are almost always time, money, people, and space - and differing goals. 

“There’s a range of conflict we encounter. Sometimes we call it a ‘hard thing’, a ‘difficult task’, or a ‘negotiation’. When you get curious about how to solve it, it becomes like a lego puzzle that you and the other person complete together.”

✅ Take Action: Define your motivations to the other party out loud to start. Reframe the conflict so it’s no longer between you and the other person, and instead it’s between you both as a team and the problem. 

Getting Curious vs. Getting Defensive

In conflict, it's easy to get defensive and put up an emotional wall. Jenn recommends getting curious when these feelings arise. Ask your counterpart these 3 questions:

1. How do you feel about this?  “Emotional regulation in conflict is huge. It’s how we ‘stay calm’ or ‘stay professional’. We tend to think emotions shouldn't be included but if you ask someone how they feel about the topic you’ll hear the truth and can then move forward.”
2. What do you think? “You’ll discover how they came to the conclusion and what the reasons are behind their thoughts or feelings. Pro Tip: Ask 'what' and not 'why'. Why feels intrusive. When you ask what, you get information you may not have had or discover what they’re interpreting differently than you.”
3. What do you want to do? “Ask for a solution. Sometimes people can’t answer questions one or two but are really clear on the solution and you can reverse engineer. If the solution doesn't work for you, you can start asking questions again.”

Handling Conflict At Work

How do you handle a situation if you've followed the steps above but still see the train going off the tracks? Simple, Jenn says, “label the awkward”. 

“There is no shame in saying, ‘This isn’t productive. I think we need to take a break’." 

This acts as a firewall and resets the conversation. The secret to time outs is having a time to come back in. Set an alarm or put a date and time on your calendar to revisit the discussion, otherwise it becomes awkward again. 

✅ Use this: With coworkers say, “I feel like we’re not communicating clearly, do you feel like you're understanding me?” Remember your goal is creating a solution not just having things go your way. 

✅ Use this: When managing up say, “I think I’m not understanding what you're asking of me” or "I can’t give what you're asking of me, can I think about this and come back to you with a proposed solution?” Most employers will respond well because you own the problem and offer a solution. When you set boundaries you get your agency back. 

Make Your Thinking Visible

We’ve all been in situations where a person’s body language and words don’t match. This is another chance to get curious. Say something like, ‘You’re leaned back with your arms folded, how do you feel about what we’re discussing?”

“It’s human nature to fill blanks in a story so making your thinking visible is key to communicating well and avoiding conflict."

✅ Kim's Pro Tip: When I listen intently I don't think about what I'll say next. Therefore, when the other person is done talking I don't have an immediate answer, which sometimes leads to awkward silence (and assumptions that I'm upset or disagreeing with them). To make my thinking visible I say, "I'm quiet because I'm thinking." Then I take a few moments and gather my thoughts before responding.

Provide Feedback Early & Often

• Be self-aware. Self-aware leaders are more successful knowing where their weaknesses are & telling their team instead of hiding it.
• Give supportive feedback early and often. When feedback is done well it demonstrates care. Giving feedback creates a better team dynamic, creates clear communication channels and greater engagement among team members. As Brene Brown says, "Clear is kind."
• Make space for questions & repeat things back (even if no one has asked you to!) to avoid unnecessary conflict.

What are we dealing with?

No two people are alike, meaning the way they see conflict is never the same. If you work with a team it might be helpful to have colleges take an Enneagram test. Jenn explained how the personality framework helps us understand why we think, feel, and act the way we do. 

“Unlike more notable personality frameworks, like Myers-Briggs or DISC, the Enneagram is not an assessment. It uncovers the why behind our deep motivations and actions. When we learn this, about ourselves and others, we start to understand the why behind our behaviors”

This knowledge is key in the workplace because we learn how we approach tasks, leadership, and people, and more importantly how others are receiving us. 

“We often forget others see the world differently. No one way is wrong or right because there are benefits and predictable pitfalls for each type. But the nine Enneagram personality types explain how people take information in and choose to act on it. When you notice your whys, you can use that knowledge in other areas of your life.”

Jenn’s favorite variations of the Enneagram framework is the RHETI Test.

• What have you started using or doing lately that you love? Using the Lectio 365 App, it gives space to process the day, helps you to fall asleep quickly and sleep soundly.
• What have you done in the last year that has helped you become better? Committing to getting high-level help and putting sleep on my vision board.
• What are your favorite social media accounts to follow? Kim Kaupe, Bob Goff,  Viola Davis

Download this free Enneagram resource from Jenn. When an uncomfortable conversation arises and you feel "fight, flight, or freeze" emotions kick in, take a breath and ask the other person your 3 questions, "How do you feel about this?", "What do you think?" and "What do you want to do?"

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