How I chose to thrive through the anxiety of COVID-19

I've been waking up around 4 AM for the past 2 weeks - worried, stressed, and anxious. Can you relate? Several nights I've woken up in a sweat from a vivid nightmare.

Last Wednesday, I woke up frozen in place. Clutching my knees to my chest, I could taste the sour, acidic flavor in my mouth from the anxiety in my gut. Right before bed, I’d read “1,842 in California, and 772 cases of COVID-19 in the Bay Area.” I thought I'd adjusted to the daily chaos of living in San Francisco after moving here from San Diego two years ago, but this week the chaos felt unbearable.

"Standing in an empty plane, except for 4 other people. An elderly couple a few rows up, who looked to be in their late 70s — both with silky white hair and calm sweet demeanors. One was hunched over with a navy shawl covering her shoulders as she struggled to stand up while coughing. I felt my spine tighten and shiver, as concern and shame washed over me. I looked down at my palms and saw green goop dripping from my hands." I could tell this dream would be committed to memory - and this was one of the more gentile nightmares I'd had that week.

In my waking state, I thought, “what if I’m a carrier?!"... Feeling like my freedom to travel and enjoy the daily errands of life were ripped out from under me in a moment’s notice, and I knew I’d have had to stay in social isolation for the foreseeable future.

“How am I going to recover from this before my work calls this morning? I don’t want to reschedule my 9 AM call!” I thought. My mental chatter flared up, and my mind spiraled into checklists. My coping mechanism during stress was to project manage the emotions to go away.

As I attempted to get out of bed, I crawled onto the floor, struggling to gain the courage to untangle. This pandemic had crippled me in fear. I knew I was in the middle of one of the biggest anxiety attacks of my life.

I closed my eyes, and criticized myself for not being consistent with my well-being rituals the past few days. In my new WFH cadence, I had jumped directly into work and skipped my morning rituals of meditation, chanting, and yoga. Meditation felt like a waste of time right now, with all of the mental chatter completely taking over, and today it was hitting me like a swarm of yellow jackets.

Trying to force myself to stand, my stomach wrenched, and the stress pulled me back down to sit on the ground.

Hunched over beside my bed, I craved the feelings of inner peace and equilibrium I’d recently experienced, as I thought back to the breathwork facilitator training I completed last month through The Breath Center in San Diego. I’d learned how to lead groups through an active meditation, called “Pranayama” (the practice of directing the breath) and had experienced one of the most uplifting & transformational weeks of my life. I was astounded by how quickly I could seemingly regress.

I noticed my jaw was locked with tension, and my tongue was rough on each side from biting it in my sleep.

I couldn't help but feel disappointment towards myself. I typically live a persona of being the “strong and stable” one, but today the mask was torn off and I saw myself for the full spectrum of who I am, including my shadow. I was “supposed to have my shit together”, yet in the experience of having Salesforce shut down and all employees working from home, I was brought back to my humanity. I realized the fear and anxiety I felt must be a reflection of the collective, and how many other people must also be sitting with a growing concern for global wellness.

I decided to actively control my breath in a way that I knew would help revitalize me. So I laid down, rolled onto my back, and breathed deeply into my belly. “In-in-out. In-in-out” I repeated in my mind for what felt like forever. Slowly, as I breathed, I could feel the tension in my body starting to settle.

About thirty-ish minutes later, I felt the tension in my stomach, lower back and jaw melt away. The skin on my cheeks tingled, and my muscles relaxed heavily into the ground beneath me. For the first time since the COVID-19 news began, the mental chatter subsided, even if only for a moment. I finished my breathing ritual, and as I exhaled deeply, I felt like my breath released the black cloud that surrounded me.

I held my breath for a minute to allow the oxygen to infiltrate my blood stream and felt my spine unravel. I turned to my side and was finally able to get off the floor. I knew I would be able to make it through the workday now.

In standing up, I surprisingly felt authoritative about my priorities for the day. I felt a calm directive telling me how important it was to share the gift of breathwork I’d become equipped with at the facilitator training.

As I opened my laptop, I set the intention of sharing truthfully when asked “How are you?” at the beginning of my work calls. I told them openly about the nightmare and the anxiety I’d felt, and I shared how worried I was about those who may be immune compromised. I shared my curiosity about how I could contribute to resolving this global issue while living my day to day, and how I could show up as leader in my family, friendships, and community during this time of uncertainty.

I noticed the energy of each call shift — my honesty was creating permission for each person, regardless of whether they were a client exec or an internal colleague, to share their fears, worries, and anxieties too. I wasn't the only one having nightmares. I wasn't the only one tempted to hide in a storm of anxiety. I wasn't the only one concerned for the well-being of the people around me. I also wasn't the only one craving human connection during such a tumultuous time. I realized the collective fear was impacting everyone in their own way, and each person's response opened my heart to the humanity of it all.

Now - I've committed to breath every morning and this week I'm feeling strong, stable, and clear. In this moment, I’m grateful to have lungs that are healthy and strong, allowing me to access my breath when I need to. Especially during a time when so many are fighting a virus that restricts their capacity to do something so innate — to simply breathe. It reminds me to show appreciation for something I might normally typically have taken for granted.

At work, I have deep gratitude for Salesforce and the way the executive team, Marc Benioff, Parker Harris, Bret Taylor, Ryan Aytay, Kevin Gibbs, all the way down to individual contributors are leading with empathy — not just with employees, but with customers too! This Tweet from Marc really resonated with me... "We can stay in our homes with our families to protect our physical health, but we have to take one more step to protect our mental health. Now is the perfect time for prayer, meditation, mindfulness, or just reaching out to say hello to a family member, friend or colleague“

So, I've decided to share one of my greatest passions with you — facilitating Breathwork. If you’re interested in joining me for a virtual breathwork & meditation. RSVP here: https://forms.gle/zk24wtB3912masVA8

As Salesforce’s VP of Customer & Market Insights, Karen Mangia, said last week after the Breathwork webinar I led, “Right now there is no greater tool to combat fear and uncertainty than breathing deeply. Give yourself permission to make time for breathwork even if you would normally describe it as “not your thing.” I joined the breathwork session before delivering a virtual keynote for a Women Working in Tech Conference that is normally an in person event. The breathwork set me up to present from a place of calm, clarity and focus. And I incorporated the breathwork into my keynote by inviting the audience to join me in breathing in and out together for just a moment.“

If you're curious about what to expect after the virtual breath webinar, Salesforce Solution Engineering Leader, Finn McConnell said, "For the rest of the day and into the weekend I felt very calm, but also authoritative over everything I was doing... Actually had what I consider to be one of my best client calls on Friday afternoon. Sometimes these sessions can take a while for everything to ‘click into gear’... but this felt effortless, and complex ideas seemed easier to articulate than normal." (Here's his full testimonial). You can sign up for the next event here: https://forms.gle/zk24wtB3912masVA8

Background:

Scientific research has found Pranayama (the practice of directing the breath) balances the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system to reduce the stress hormone cortisol and increase the happiness hormone serotonin. Among many other positive neurological affects!

Reported benefits of this practice:

• Strengthened immunity, calm the mind, and create mental clarity
• Increased lung capacity
• Internal alkaline environment to boost disease resistance
• Sense of calm and well-being
• Relief from physical/emotional pain
• Increased creativity

What you'll need to prepare:

• A good way to hear the audio (headphones or computer speaker)
• A place to lie down comfortably with minimal distractions
• An open mind
• Best done on an empty stomach!

For all those mindfulness practitioners out there, remember that NOW is the time to share. The world needs to hear your voice.

After receiving resounding positive feedback from the Salesforce Ohana from the 52 folks who attended the webinar last Friday, I've been asked to lead a public event. So, I'm excited to see there's 181 interested already. If you’re interested in joining, you can RSVP here: https://forms.gle/zk24wtB3912masVA8