How leaders can foster mental health at work

Tuesday morning, three months into his probation period. Time for a quick check-in with our new accountant, his team lead and I.

The conversation began with some warm words following by the two "most important" questions:

"How is work going for you? Did the team welcome you with open arms?"

And for a meeting like this, we expected the conversation to go like this:

"Yes, it's great, I'm slowly getting the grip of things ...", but instead he looked down onto his feet in silence...

I was irritated.

He seemed frustrated, anxious or just distracted - I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but he did not seem well.

After a couple seconds he said:

"I'm angry with myself for having made so many mistakes lately, not having the focus and just completely failing at work. I'm so sorry for all of this."

His words were harsh and deprecating. His eyes still starring at the floor and his spiritless posture showing the disappointment with himself.

Everything so far, went pretty different from what we expected.

Since we were at work, in a meeting room complete with grey carpets, bad lighting and two people in leading positions present, one could conclude: maybe he is not the right fit for the role then. Maybe he is not resilient enough for the job in the long-term. Maybe is just not cut out to meet the expectations of a fast paced environment.

OR (before jumping to conclusions) one could ask a simple question like: "How have you been feeling lately? Is everything ok on the team? Is everything ok at home?"

And I'm glad we did.

"My wife just had a heart attack last Sunday. She has been in hospital ever since."

Silence. But this time in consternation.

We were shocked. 1000 of questions running through our heads: How come we didn't know? How did we miss that? Why did he feel like he could not share?

So calmly we said: "Whatever support you need to go through this, we are here for you! And don't worry about your tasks - all that matters is your wife's health!"

Almost surprised by our empathic reaction, he shared what was on his mind that Monday morning after it all happened:

"I felt I should come back to work on Monday 'cause I didn't want to mess up during my probation time. I really enjoy working here and didn't want to leave a bad mark or seem like I'm lacking perseverance. I'm not the youngest anymore and as a couple, we agreed that I cannot waste a chance like this."

He had been in work everyday, sleeping poorly, worrying constantly, checking if she is ok every 30 minutes...

Under circumstances like that - how could anyone do their best work?

You simply can't.

And more importantly, you should not be expected to.

This is one out of a million stories out there. Everyday, we work closely with people suffering from loss, anxiety, stress, depression, personal trauma or other challenging life events.

But most of those stories are unknown to us.

Hidden behind the mask of success, drowned in stigma or just covered up by "pressing tasks at hand" - we often don't recognize what is happening around us or sometimes even within ourselves. We neglect one of the most important part of the human existence: Our mental health.

But one thing is clear: We all experience tough times and we all have mental health.

And our mental health actually affects every part of our life:

• our attitude towards ourselves, people around us and the world at large
• how we care for our relationships with our loved ones, colleagues and clients
• our ability to overcome barriers and find solutions
• our sense of self-efficacy and what we believe we can actually do

The reality is: 1 in 4 of us will struggle with a more serious mental issue this year... and that's not mention the impact of this global pandemic...

And still, we do not talk about it.

Crazy, isn't it?

We just aren't really sure what to say or do. So we shy away, in the hopes of it disappearing. This is normal and whilst there are reasons why we avoid the topic, we do so at the cost of our mental health.

This needs to change. And we can change it.

(Imagine) The Mentally Open Organisation

Imagine we manage to create organisations, where we see people as whole, where we stop the silent suffering and help them work through some of their deepest fears, issues and challenges...

It's not just the basic and caring human thing to do, it forms the foundation of our success as people, teams and organisations. There's even a business case for it as well.

So what can we actually do to foster vulnerability in our relationships at home AND at work?

What can we do to support mental health instead of making it fester behind avoidance?

What can we do to help the million unknown stories to be heard?

And the good news is: as leaders we have the opportunity to foster mental health on two levels - the level of us as individual contributors and the level of the organization.

So let's start with us:

What we can do personally

Rewrite your old beliefs.

Many of us grew up believing that sharing emotions meant weakness, irrationality, or unprofessionalism. So instead of openly sharing and processing our emotions, we learned how to dis-own them and pretend that everything is fine simply to seem "strong" or "in control".

The truth is, in fact, the opposite.

Over time, the more unprocessed emotions we collect, the more likely they are to surface when we least expect them. In these moments, our emotions are much harder to manage and we end up falling back on coping mechanisms that do not serve us very well in the long term.

Whether we like it or not, emotions are an essential part of the human experience. They are the connector between our needs and our behaviors.

And when listened to, they give us a nudge in the right direction, creating the space for healthy solutions to emerge or even support to be given.

Instead of disowning our emotions, we must disown the old beliefs.Instead of believing old gossip telling us, emotions stand in our way to success, let's create beliefs that allow for vulnerability, fears, disappointments and frustrations to surface.

'Cause at the end of the day, we are all in the same boat - these are the universal struggles that form our human experience.

Be an example.

Brené Brown hit the nail on the head when she said that we need trust to be vulnerable. And she also hit the nail on the head when she said that we need vulnerability to build trust.

Isn't that a paradox? Where do we start? - A typical chicken and egg problem.

But to get the trust-vulnerability circle going, we have to find a starting point. And the best way do that is to start with yourself.

From my experience, if I share small moments of vulnerability, the other person starts doing the exact same. There is a shared understanding between two people and a level of safety is created.

A good way to start, is sharing a little bit about your personal story or how e.g. the current pandemic is affecting you personally. The more authentic and You your thoughts are, the higher the grade of intimacy and understanding on the other side will be.

It might sound like...

„When I’m stressed, I sometimes…“

„It is really hard for me right now, joggeling the kids and work. I sometimes..."

"When I try to fall asleep, I sometimes worry about…“

The principle of reciprocity and the idea of self-disclosure all lead to the same: once the door is open, it is so much easier for others to walk through. So dare to start, dare to be an example: open up and see what happens.

Simply ask. And truly listen.

When we perceive that someone we work with seems emotionally unsettled, distracted, or just low on energy, we sometimes just don't know what to say or do. Instead of offering our support, we rather shy away, worried we could do something wrong.

But, trust me when I say: in tough times, we yearn to feel seen and heard. We silently hope for a helping hand and acceptance for our pain and worries. But as we saw in the story earlier, we fear judgement and worry about being rejected. So we do not ask for help.

Most of the times, due to fears on both ends, we miss these small windows of potential connection and support. But these are the exact windows that create trust, wellbeing and over time resilience in teams. It is not about the big gestures, but about the small day to day interactions in which we show up for each other and stop shying away from uncomfortable conversations.

So next time, you perceive someone being irritated, just open-heartedly ask:

„May I ask you something? I noticed that you are very tired and overwhelmed lately, and I was wondering if everything is ok? Just know that I’m always here for you."

Be actively present and compassionate. And try to avoid interrupting - just offer space for the other person to share. Try to hold back with advice and affirm what the other person is sharing.

"How was that for you?"

" How did it make you feel?"

" What would have felt better for you?"

"And is there anything I can do for you?".

What we can do as organizations

If we, as leaders, show up open-hearted and ready to truly care, we have the best foundation to allow for a truly caring and people-centric organizational culture to emerge.

Create open dialogue.

Talking about mental health has to feel safe and genuine. We need a level of trust and relationship credit to open up without the fear of being exploited or stigmatized.

If mental health is new to your company culture, start small: with an informal format, where people can silently observe first and contribute only if they want to.

This normalises mental health and creates awareness on the topic in a non-threatening way. It's a great first step to build the first glimpses of trust between people. You could start with a Lunch & Learn - e.g. inviting an external speaker to talk about what mental health at work is all about and why it is important to build that muscle as a company.

To create the next and deeper layer of dialogue, help transfer the conversation into smaller teams.

Small groups are a great way to have more personal conversations. It's easier to foster trust with a handful of people than through a company-wide meeting.

So after having introduced the topic as "genuinely important" to the company, try to keep the dialogue awake. The more discourse we create, the "more normal" the topic becomes and the higher the chances to support each other in the future.

Ask your team regularly how everyone is actually doing these days, what keeps them awake at night and what refuels their batteries. And never forget to share your own.

Equip people with the tools

Knowledge gives us a sense of safety, tools a sense of ability.

To dare opening vulnerable conversations and overcoming the inner hurdles, we need to have an understanding of mental health and a hands-on first-aid tool set.

Select a small group of people from different levels in your organisation - people with an interest in the topic and/or a high degree of social trust within their circle.

Through mental health trainings, they will learn:

• How do I show up and care for myself (we need to understand ourselves to understand others)
• How to create awareness
• How to open the conversation about mental health
• How to support employees in tough time
• Where to find resources and strategies

Once people feel equipped, conversations become easier and your organisation's ablility to support mental health grows.

When introducing a new way of showing up for each other, I am always an advocate for starting small. Here are first steps you can take to breath life into your mentally strong culture:

• invite a mental health coach for a day that facilitated confidential workshops and 1:1 sessions
• offering online 1:1 mental health coachings for people interested
• provide a list of resources for mental health (what to do, who to reach out to, etc.) based on research and recommendations of the team (find an example here)
• create a slack channel for #smallworries and #smallwins to normalize the conversation about ups AND downs

There is no limit to your creativity. The key essentials you should hit on are:

1. Participation: let the team take part (it has to come from within)
2. Identity: make it relevant to YOUR team, offer a platform for identification and bonding
3. Patience: don't rush the process, be continous and appreciate the small encounters over time

A culture of trust is not build in a day - start small and stay consistent.

Some of the issues causing our mental health to struggle may not be created in work (like the depression based on childhood trauma, the heart attack or the divorce we are going through), but they influence how we get there in the morning.

We, as a team, can choose to care about our people, not only as employees but as human beings.

We, as a team, can choose to care before the way of healing is a painful marathon instead of a short sprint.

We, as a team, can choose to help telling the right stories.