How leaders prevent & resolve conflicts in their team & family

“Every struggle you have with your partner is actually your struggle with yourself”, said Nikita to Jyoti, her friend. Jyoti nodded in agreement & kept staring at the empty cup of coffee as if she were utterly confused. She replied, “Nikita I agree with what you are saying, every struggle I have with my husband is a struggle with myself only. But I can’t do anything about it even if I know the reason. Every time I get into a conflict with my husband it turns ugly, no matter how much I try to control. I am not able to figure out where I go wrong and how I can deal with these conflicts constructively & amicably.”

After listening to Jyoti empathetically, Nikita said, “Yes, you can certainly do something about it, by changing the way you deal with each conflict in your life. Since conflicts are inevitable, the sooner we learn & mend our style of dealing with it, the better it is. To make that happen I will introduce a concept I learnt while being trained in ACT therapy. It is DRAIN, how we drain ourselves in conflicting situations and how not to repeat the same behavior pattern in future.”

What is DRAIN?

Be it a conflict or a challenging phase in life, very often unknowingly we ‘Drain’ the love from our life. Eventually we go through a dance of varied emotions, we get into guilt, we regret our decision, we wish we could have dealt with it better and the list goes on; only to disappoint us further.

The good news is you can consciously change your relationship dynamics. You can bring back the love, warmth, and affinity in all your relationships once you understand ‘DRAIN’ and its impact on your life.

Five love ‘DRAINS’ in relationships:

D: Disconnect: The natural tendency in upsetting situations is to disconnect from the partner. Here the question to reflect on is ‘How do you disconnect from your partner when a conflict occurs?’ Some disconnect by minimizing or shutting down their playful nature, some disconnect by not sharing their daily quota of Instagram reel, some do it by not initiating any conversation and some block all communication channels.

Ask yourself: Am I really connected with this person? Is there a depth or base behind this connection? If there is a connection between us then can I disconnect in a more graceful & less hurtful way? Because my objective is not to hurt others or get hurt, I only want to give a message that I am hurt. Can I do it in a better way?

R: Reaction: How do you react & what can you do about it? Do you bang the door, skip the meal, leave the room, abruptly disconnect the call etc.? Think through it and mend your ways of reacting because unmindful reacting is self-defeating and damaging.

A: Avoiding: What do you avoid when you are upset in a relationship? Some avoid experiences which are dear to them. Some stop watching movies, some stop going out and some numb their emotions through alcohol and other substances.

I: Inside your head: What goes in your mind when you are upset? Some blame others, some blame themselves, some blame destiny, and some resort to over thinking. Be mindful about your mental chatter, is it helpful or harmful? Can you engage in some mindful activities like reading, gardening, cooking, painting etc.?

N: Neglect your values: Often when you are upset do you decide to act contrary to what you really are? Some people who are helpful by nature suddenly decide to be indifferent to others ‘concern & pain. When upset, people often neglect their values and act the exact opposite which makes the matter worse. So, stick to your values, be the person you really are no matter what the temporary life situation may be.

Reflect on your behavior in conflicting situations, detect your behavior pattern and ditch the drain. Be mindful, be kind to others as well as yourself, suddenly the world around you will start looking better & brighter.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"