How to provide feedback using emotional intelligence?

“It is uncomfortable” said Ann when she had to give feedback to one of her direct reports. It was bothering her for many days. When I asked her the reason, she said she did not want to hurt her employee. And then it was John who said performance reviews were a dreaded experience. His boss would never listen to what he had to say and the conversation would end up in a dispute leaving a bad taste and hurting their relationship. In both the cases it was neither helping the employee or the manager or the project or the organization.

Giving and receiving feedback is uncomfortable for both the manager and the employee. Employee feels anxious about what the manager has to say about his performance and how that would impact his bonus and promotion. Manager is frustrated with the poor performance and wants to get over the dreaded task as quickly as possible.

However we know that constructive feedback is an integral part of our growth. So how can the experience be transformed to a more positive one?

Providing feedback is an art and science.

Science is the technique of constructive feedback where feedback is direct, clear and specific. Most leaders do well applying the science. The gap I see is in the art. Many leaders strive to improve on the method of delivery or the structure, with the hope of increasing its efficacy. But..

If the recipient is not receptive, even well constructed feedback will still not be successful.

When the manager and the employee are in a state of discomfort and anxiety, they are not in their best mental and emotional state to give and receive feedback. Feedback is often immediately rejected because it emotionally triggers the recipient says Kim Scott in her brilliant book Radical Candor.

Its like running a computer on a safe mode to perform computer repairs when you are sensing a threat that your device is infected with malware or a software program is installed incorrectly. When you start the computer in the safe mode, you have access to only a limited set of files and programs. Similarly,

When you are emotionally flooded, you are running on a survival mode and access to your higher order thinking is limited.

When you are frustrated or anxious your emotional brain perceives the situation as a threat though it is not a real danger. Because it wants to protect you, it puts your body on a survival mode. Alarm bells ring and your body is flooded with the stress hormone, cortisol. It is reacting to this perceived threat. Your emotional brain wants you out of the situation as quickly as possible. If you pay attention to your body, you can actually sense and feel the discomfort.

In this state you are less willing to listen. You are not open to other perspectives. And because emotions are contagious, you are passing on the emotional contagion to the other person and they feel the tension too. Have you ever noticed feeling uneasy when the person next to you is angry?

Here is how you can apply emotional intelligence to make your feedback conversation successful

1.     STEP BACK & PAUSE

When you are emotionally flooded, you are not fully present to the other person and cannot help them. So the first step is to take a STEP BACK & PAUSE to figure out what is going on within you. Understand what is happening within you first with all the emotions before you engage with others.

Taking the moment to pause can make all the difference

2.    NAME YOUR EMOTIONS

Next calm down your emotional brain from reacting. One good technique to bring back control to your executive brain is to NAME your emotions. When you are grounded and are able to identify your emotions, you can then emotionally connect to somebody else.

3.     APPRECIATE

Shift your internal state by intentionally focusing on APPRECIATION for the other person. What is it that you are appreciative of the other person? By doing this, you are giving more time to shift your emotional state from negative to positive.

4.     SAFE SPACE

Sense what you is going on with your employee. If he is also in the survival mode, your feedback will not be received. Pay attention to the signals. If he is tensed, anxious, worried, fearful, he is not in the best state for a meaningful conversation. He might get defensive or fight back. And that is NOT what you want.. Calm his nerves by being KIND and making it a SAFE space for a dialogue to happen. 

5.     EMPATHY & GENUINE CARE

Show genuine CARE and have an EMPATHIC CONCERN for the employee. This is the third level of empathy where you not only understand and feel for the other person but you act with genuine care. It has a profound effect on how the recipient responds to the input.

When you are calm and notice your employee is in a positive emotional state, you are now ready to give constructive feedback.

If you and your employee could approach the feedback session with a positive state of mind and shift your mental frame towards growth and development it could lead to better questions, new discoveries and a powerful experience that would benefit everyone. Isn't that what you want?

Try this approach of providing direct, clear and specific feedback with empathy and genuine care and let me know how this goes?