How to recover when life goes horribly wrong...

It was January 1, 2019.

I had just finished my regular 15 mile treadmill run, something I do 6 days every week. Doing so on the first day of the year was especially invigorating.

The sun was shining and the sky was blue. Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire played softly on the radio.

I was driving home, just a mile away, my loving wife and our two elderly rescue dogs waiting for me.

And then, I could not drive forward anymore; instead I was careening sideways.

A speeding driver had t-boned my car from the right-hand side. Before I knew it, the Ring of Fire stopped playing on the radio; it felt like my car was running rings on the street from the impact. Every airbag in the car inflated, and had the airbag on the driver’s window not inflated, my head would have gone through the window.

My car was briefly in the air, I think, and landed by the curb; the hood blocked the view up front, and fortunately, the thin oncoming traffic meant no one hit me. All the car fluids leaked on to the road, and half the engine lay outside the car.

From music to madness just like that.

One moment, I was on a runner’s high; the next, I had to duck low to protect myself from shards of glass.

All that said, I managed to get out of my Toyota Corolla with just a small scratch.

A car accident; job loss; losing a dear one; ending a marriage; illness.

These tend to come unexpectedly and unsolicited, and disrupt the “same old, same old” first-world problems we faux-lament about.

How do you get back to normal? What should that normal look like?

The last month and a half has been an education on how to recover and move forward. The following reflections may be of benefit to others who may suffer similar reversals.

It will take time to recover

The cadence of our lives has accelerated, and we do more things everyday, which is not to suggest that we get more done.

Busy, not orange, is the new black; We have no time to do things, so we get them done in no time. Eyes glued to the almighty screen, we get into conversation often without extending the courtesy of attention.

This constant state of motion leaves little time to reflect and process.

It is not time that goes by too fast; it’s you and me.

A sudden change disrupts this treadmill to nowhere, except the belt screeches to an abrupt halt without the benefit of a cooling period.

The human body uses a process called homeostasis to maintain energy equilibrium (when exercise heats us up, sweat cools us down). That process does not happen instantaneously.

Life equilibrium similarly takes time to regain.

Give it time.

Should you blame yourself?

As I was ready to leave the gym that day, I called my wife to see if she needed me to pick up something at the store. A few moments later, I slowed down to let a jaywalker cross safely.

A different decision on either count would have meant I’d have been outside of my collider’s line of sight - “sight” being an overstatement given his driving, but I digress.

I spent several days cursing myself for the small decisions that put me in the middle of that intersection at that moment.

Ever since I was a child, I have planned for success; at work, at home, and in between; I have lived the belief that the twin waves of effort and ability would break any rock on any shore.

How could something like this happen to me?

The self-flagellation is energizing; aggravating; gut-wrenching and in the end, exhausting.

Some may recommend that you not indulge in it. In my view, they are half right..

You need to process those reflections. Get on that emotional ferris wheel so you can see the highs and lows, and then eventually appreciate ground-level reality.

Find a way to move on

Processing the past is important, but progressing from it just as much.

Volunteering and fundraising to help rescue animals from high-kill shelters, writing on LinkedIn helping friends use my network to land jobs, lobbying members of the U.S. Congress to be more proactive in fighting climate change - these are causes dear to the heart that also allow me respite from the rigors of work.

The connections I have made as part of this investment and activism, the advances in these causes and the confidence in my identity from these endeavors were like the anchor that held me steady as my mind spun in the days after the accident just as my car had spun on the day of. I immersed myself in them

I also found ways to focus at work and took on challenging assignments.

I was not running away from what had occurred, but I had also decided that I was not going to stand by either. My car had been totaled; the arithmetic of my life still had many additions and multiplications to go.

When things go wrong, highlight areas of your life that give you purpose and improve well-being. That infusion of positive energy will help more than you’ll appreciate imminently.

Ask for help

I was an extremely self-sufficient kid, and am even more so as an adult. Not wanting or needing much has been personality-defining and identity-affirming.

Our culture takes a dim view of vulnerability, often deeming it as a mask for innate weakness. Receiving help, especially upon asking for it, telegraphs a lack of dependability.

Or so I have believed.

Like so many others, I have tried extra hard to project strength. This is not self-delusion - I am often as good as I think I am - but at some point, you feel like an actor in someone else’s play except no one calls the end of the scene and you keep performing.

In reality, asking for help is a sign for strength. Self-awareness makes you dependable since you know who you are, and people important to you will too. They will be able to expect and assist accordingly.

In this, I am fortunate. Even on that terrible day when I came close to death, I could depend on a supportive and loving spouse, a great job (that provides great benefits to help recover) and a community of friends who came out of the woodwork to check on me and help.

Not everyone has these resources. If you do, use them.

Every time I hire a new employee for my teams, I give them advice that my first manager from my time at Intel gave me: Invest more in tomorrow than in today, there are more tomorrows.

I have believed, and still do, that these are the wisest words anyone has ever said to me.

But today is here; tomorrow may not be. Don’t starve it either.

I really hope none of you need to heed my advice, but if you do, please remember that life will get better. It will get better with the passage of time and progress over time.

Stay strong.