How To Stop Being An Office Doormat

You feel good when your boss and coworkers are happy with you.

You don’t like it when they are unhappy with you.

The journal Frontiers in Human Neuroscience published a study that suggests that “social conformity” (or people-pleasing) is a skill used by some to avoid mental stress caused by disagreement.

You like to be liked and not have conflict.

As a result, sometimes you either hold back what you really think, or placate others by going out of your way to be extra agreeable.

This coping mechanism has backlash of its own, however: contributing to anxiety and mental stress, as well as increasing the risk of poor decision-making, buckling under social pressures, and work relationship issues.

The end. It’s biology. But if you don’t learn how to manage this, you will be destroyed by it.

Look – you have a job to do. Do it. Do it well. But don’t do it for the wrong reasons. Do not allow yourself to be used in the workplace. Don’t become an office doormat, running around doing everything that serves everyone else and takes you away from your goals and priorities.

Eventually, the managers and coworkers you run around trying to make happy will stop patting your head and stroking your ego and just feel entitled to it, and to you.

This is how you end up disrespected and devalued — in their eyes, but even worse… in your own eyes. Here’s the key: as long as you put pleasing others over pleasing yourself, you won’t ever be successful at work.

Do you really want to come to the end of your career feeling used by others and without having reached any of your professional goals?

Asking these questions isn’t selfish. These questions are a necessary component of following a successful career path. If you’re a mess mentally and physically, if you’re unfulfilled and miserable, you can’t do your job well.

The only way to avoid having a miserable career is to put yourself first, grow as much as possible, and then give back to others.

In that exact order.

Here’s how you can stop being a workplace doormat…

1. Take control of your priorities.

Look — you know what’s important to you.

(Stop shaking your head — deep down, you know what’s important.)

But what’s important to you is not important to everyone else. This is fine and normal, except that some people will try to downplay your priorities. They will try to make you put their priorities in front of your own. They will try to make you a spectator in your own career.

If this happens, run. Get clear on what matters to you. Protect where your energy goes and protect your focus at work. Take everything inside of you that used to blindly go out into the world trying to please others and reverse it.

But when you do this — be ready for backlash. Be ready for others to fight you. Others will feel irritated and threatened when you no longer serve them. When you set boundaries and say “No”, they will get offended.

Structure your work life so you’re protecting your time and energy in the places that matter most to YOU.

2. Quit worrying so much about other people’s feelings.

Be okay with upsetting people. Be okay with others being disappointed, angry, or resentful.

What if I offend them? What if they don’t like me? What if they reject me forever?

Stop worrying. Whose career is this, anyway?

So get your head on right. Grow up. Not everyone is going to like you all the time. When you stop trying to please everyone and start setting boundaries, it ticks people off. It means they can’t use you anymore. But all of this is okay.

People being displeased by you is not the end of the world… it’s not the end of your world. Yes, some people might dislike you. Some may grow to hate you. Some may call you names like “selfish” and “narcissistic.” Some may even actively try to hold you back from your goals. 

So what? Bring it on. You can’t please everyone, so don’t even try. Stick to what you know is important. Your priorities. Your goals.

3. Stop working for other people’s approval.

You don’t need other people’s approval to have the career of your dreams.

You don’t need others to validate your decisions. You can approve of yourself. You can validate your own decisions. It’s your career — you get to choose the values you live by. You get to choose the goals you will chase. All of these decisions are yours to make.

So stop pawning them off on others. Stop letting second-hand validation decide your actions. Realize that other people will affirm your career direction if it makes sense for them, not you.

Even if their intentions are good, they will tell you to do what makes sense for them, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.

Others can only give you advice based on their experiences. They can never give you advice based on your own experiences because they aren’t you. They’ve never been you. They’ve never worked a day in your life. You know what’s best for your career better than anyone else.

You know what ignites you, what fuels you, what fills you up and excites you. No one deserves the power to influence the direction of your career. That power is yours.

People-pleasing is a cheap ticket to a miserable career. Having people happy with you feels good at first, but over time it weakens you and depletes your ability to have control over your work life. Pleasing others tells people their priorities and goals are more important than yours. The only way out is to start putting yourself first. Get clear on your priorities and protect them fiercely. Accept that this will upset coworkers whom you’ve trained to expect so much from you. Be okay with that. Stop seeking approval from others on choices you need to make for your own career trajectory. Walk away from people who hold you back from your goals and don’t support what’s important to you. Build your own confidence and be self-directed and aggressively chase the goals that will serve your career as you see best.

What measures have you taken at work to avoid being the office doormat? Tell me in a comment below.

I also write for Fast Company and Entrepreneur Magazine:

• The Skills You Need To Grow Your Business
• 10 People Who Will Destroy Your Business
• 5 Benefits Of Being A Misfit Entrepreneur

Check out my book of personal and professional advice, Black Hole Focus: How Intelligent People Create A Powerful Purpose For Their Lives.