How to Stop Taking Work So Personally

by Manny Plasencia

Managing yourself. 

Taking things personally at work is not a sign of weakness, but a reflection of your passion, commitment, and deep sense of responsibility. But what if your...more

Our jobs often provide more than a paycheck: They often offer a sense of purpose, growth, and community. But over time, our professional roles can become too intertwined with our sense of self. This is especially true for “sensitive strivers.” When you’re driven to perform and also think and feel everything more deeply, it’s easy for interactions, decisions, or feedback to have a direct — and often disproportionate — impact on your emotions, self-worth, and identity.

Take one of my clients, Brenda. When Brenda and I first began working together, there was one key question she wanted to tackle: Why do I take everything at work so personally?

For the last five years, Brenda had served as chief of staff to the dean of a prominent business school. Although she consistently exceeded expectations, it came at a cost. Every situation, interaction, or outcome felt emotionally heavy, as if it was a direct reflection on her abilities (or lack thereof). 

When conflicts arose among faculty or staff, Brenda often took it upon herself to mediate. Her sense of over-responsibility helped resolve issues, but often at the detriment of her own well-being. Not only that, but constructive criticism and even minor setbacks triggered a tidal wave of emotions for her. Recently, she and the dean were scheduled to discuss budget cuts that would impact all departments within the business school. Brenda had been working tirelessly to find creative solutions to minimize the impact and to advocate for her colleagues. When time came for the tough conversation, Brenda noticed the dean’s disinterested gaze and felt a pang of anxiety. She had poured her heart into this cause, and the dean’s apparent indifference felt like a personal rejection.

If Brenda’s situation sounds familiar to you, you’re in good company. After all, we spend approximately one third of our lives at work, so it’s no wonder why it’s a defining aspect of our identities. While equating your value as a person with your performance at work is common, it’s also possible to break free from the pattern. Here’s how to take work less personally and put things in perspective. 

Ride the wave without reacting. 

When you take something personally, your brain thinks you’re under attack. It perceives the situation as a threat to your competence, social standing, or even your sense of belonging within a group. This activates the amygdala and sends your fear response skyrocketing. You may feel hurt, defensive, anxious, or even angry. While these emotions are natural and valid the key is to “ride the wave” — to experience them without letting them define you or dictate your actions.

Practice de-identifying from your feelings with statements like “I am observing this feeling, but I am not this feeling,” or “I can notice this thought without letting it consume me.” By recognizing your reaction and separating yourself from it, you’re engaging your prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for executive functions like decision-making, problem-solving, and emotional regulation. You create a space between the stimulus (the triggering event) and your response, which allows you to act constructively. 

Interrupt internalization.

Before you go down a negative spiral, pause and ask yourself, “What am I making this [person’s reaction, this situation, etc.] mean about me?” Through this pattern of interruption, you can encourage yourself to examine your assumptions and look at the situation more objectively. 

You can also challenge yourself to consider at least two to three alternative explanations for someone’s behavior or words. For instance, if a colleague seems dismissive in a meeting, instead of assuming they don’t value your input, brainstorm other possibilities. Maybe they had a challenging morning or perhaps they didn’t fully grasp the topic at hand. This broader perspective can stop you from jumping to conclusions about your own capabilities. 

Instead of stewing in your emotions, consider seeking clarification in a non-confrontational way so you can understand their intentions better. For example: 

• “I felt a bit confused about your comment yesterday. I might have misunderstood, but it seemed like you had some concerns. Could you clarify your perspective?”
• “During our meeting, when you mentioned [specific topic], I interpreted it as [explain your perspective]. I wanted to make sure I understood your point correctly because I value your input.”
• “I’ve noticed that when [situation] happens, I tell myself a story that [your interpretation or assumption]. I wanted to share this with you because I believe in open communication, and I’d like to understand your perspective better.”

Build immunity to your fears. 

Instead of avoiding situations, build immunity in small doses — a process called desensitization. Every time you allow yourself to take a risk and experience an unpleasant emotion, you expand your capacity to tolerate discomfort and to learn to relate to it differently — with more equanimity. In fact, studies find that exposing yourself to stressful situations can lessen fear and avoidance by up to 90 percent. 

Selecting those situations yourself rather than having them imposed on you is both empowering and builds your sense of self-trust. At the deepest level, building immunity to your fears helps reshape your identity. As you keep taking chances and stretching yourself, you go from viewing yourself as weak or fragile to believing that you have what it takes to rise to the occasion. Perhaps you start volunteering for low-stakes opportunities to practice a new skill, raise your hand to offer an idea before it’s fully developed, or proactively seek out feedback. 

Find meaning in failure. 

When a project doesn’t go as planned, when a proposal is rejected, or when a client expresses dissatisfaction, it’s easy to internalize these setbacks as personal failures, which inevitably leads to frustration and self-doubt. While you don’t have to like failing or see it as a positive, it’s important to make meaning from it. This more mature approach allows you to embrace the messy, unpredictable nature of work without letting it define your sense of self.

Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” focus on more constructive inquiries like: 

• What can be done? This shifts you to a problem-solving mindset grounded in agency and action.
• What am I meant to learn from this? This encourages you to extract wisdom from your experiences.
• How is this situation for me instead of against me? This invites you to see how a situation could improve your adaptability and resilience. 

Find humor, or pity, when others act out. 

It’s easy to personalize another person’s bad behavior as a fault of your own. Although it may not feel like it at the moment, most of the time a person’s reaction is about their emotional immaturity, not necessarily something you said or did. 

Some of my clients find it helpful to picture the other person as a scared child or to hear their mean comments in a silly voice, which helps diffuse their power. These mental tricks help shift your perspective from taking things personally to viewing the situation with empathy.

Remember, taking things personally at work is not a sign of weakness, but a reflection of your passion, commitment, and deep sense of responsibility. By approaching situations with more objectivity, you can navigate your professional journey with greater clarity, balance, and effectiveness.