How To Talk with Colleagues Who Recently Experienced a Loss

You receive a company email stating that a coworker lost an immediate family member. Should you call them, email them or send a card and flowers? How will you hold a conversation when they return to work? We suggest less talking and more listening for those who want to offer their support to bereaved coworkers. 

By Helen Harris

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Let me know if you need anything.”

“If you want to talk about it, let me know.” 

You’ve probably said these words or heard them said to you at some point in your life. In times of loss, it seems that all we can do is utter short phrases of comfort, give a brief hand squeeze, an understanding head nod or a big hug. 

Loss is difficult territory to tread, and it’s often confusing to know how to act around someone who’s bereaving a loved one. A particular challenge is knowing how to navigate grief in the workplace. How do you behave around your colleague who has just experienced a tragic loss? You may feel like you’re walking a tightrope of emotion, balancing the need to stay professional while also providing the basic human emotions of compassion and sympathy.  

With bereavement more frequent in the workplace than ever, we must understand how to address the mourning period in our workplaces. In 2021, Pew Research Center reported that with over 740,000 Americans dead from COVID-19, 72% of Americans said they knew someone who had been hospitalized or died from COVID-19. Further, PNAS conducted research to indicate each COVID-19-related death will leave approximately nine bereaved — suggesting a “bereavement burden” reaching more than 8.9 million people in the U.S. 

And these are just COVID-19 numbers. Tragedies happen every day, leaving people in a haze of grief and confusion — but they still forge on and go back to work at some point. 

There are people in the workplace who are dealing with the post-psychological effects of death, tragic events, or extreme illnesses. 

How can you comfort someone you work with in this situation? 

Despite the urge to talk and comfort, Laurie Nadel, Ph.D., author and psychotherapist, advises you to keep it simple by adhering to the mantra “WAIT” (why am I talking?). 

“In grief counseling, we're told to listen and to wait,” said Dr. Nadel. “When talking to someone in bereavement, simply say something like, ‘I'm sorry for your loss. I'm here if you need me or want to talk’ or ‘Is there anything that I can do?’ After that, you should just listen and wait. If they want to share, then they will. People appreciate the acknowledgment, but they don't necessarily want special treatment.” 

What Is Bereavement? 

“Bereavement is when you're experiencing grief for having lost something or someone of tremendous value to you,” said Laurie Nadel, Ph.D., author and psychotherapist. “It could be somebody close to you, it could be a job that you valued. It could be a home. But it's usually having lost a person or somebody that you love.” 

To further explain what someone who is grieving is going through emotionally, Dr. Nadel explains that grief is actually considered a psychological condition. 

“I don’t like to call grief a disorder or impairment because you're a normal person having a normal response to a sudden and extreme and unexpected loss,” said Dr. Nadel. “Rather, it's a reaction, and It can hit you in a lot of unexpected ways.”

For instance, you may become more edgy or irritable in the workplace, or you may find that you can’t focus and pay attention, making it difficult to concentrate on your projects and responsibilities.

Bereavement in the Workplace 

During this time of bereavement, a coworker may choose to come back to work immediately, or they may choose to be alone. But how long does this period last, and how long are workplaces accommodating to the grief process? 

The Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) found in a 2016 study that most employers offer four days for the death of a spouse or child, three for the death of other family members (sibling or parent) and one day for an extended family member (aunt or cousin) and zero days for a friend or colleague.

“The number of days all depends on the size of the organization and what the human resources policies may be,” said Dr. Nadel. “But I do believe that companies should acknowledge that bereavement, like maternity leave, is an important life passage. People may need dedicated time off, or they may benefit by just being allowed to work remotely.” 

Kim Perone, coach, author and mindfulness/wellness trainer, states that sometimes, bereavement periods from work may need to last several weeks, as the first few days after a loss are filled with tasks such as paperwork and planning a funeral. The real grief doesn’t even begin to set in during those few days.  

 “You’re walking in a fog during that first part,” said Perone. “It can obviously be very hard to be back at work immediately. It’s important to take your time and do what you need to do before returning.” 

Ultimately, Perone stresses the need for workplaces to be compassionate. 

“It really varies company to company on the compassionate response of giving a person time off — that's paid versus time off that's unpaid — and how much time,” said Perone. “I've known people who've taken leave of absence and not gone back to work for six months. It depends on the employer's response and also the person's preference with time off.” 

Dr. Nadel emphasizes that workplaces should understand and recognize that people need support not necessarily in the form of special accommodations but in the form of empathy. 

“It's important to offer empathy and let them know you’re here to support them through it — and give them that time out if they want it,” said Dr. Nadel.  

But when a bereaved colleague does return to the office, the support doesn’t stop. The No.1 thing anyone can do is listen and offer their support.

How To Comfort A Coworker in Bereavement

The importance of listening comes in when confronting a bereaved coworker. Perone stresses that people need their grief to be witnessed. She notes that the person in mourning may still be experiencing some form of trauma, is probably experiencing distress at home, is feeling a loss of competency and is generally experiencing a ton of messiness in their lives. They are exhausted mentally and physically. 

“Listening means so much more than you would have given it credit for,” said Perone. “We need to remember that business moves fast, and grieving is slow.”

When confronting a coworker who has just experienced a loss, Perone lays out some pointers to follow: 

• Avoid platitudes. This includes phrases such as “Everything happens for a reason,” “They’re in a better place now,” and “This will pass soon.” 
• Listen. Recall Dr. Nadel’s point to “WAIT” (Why am I talking?).
• Provide support. 
• Be patient. Any way you can demonstrate patience with a colleague will help during this tough time. If they may be having trouble focusing on a project, be understanding and offer support. 
• Protect the structure. For instance, in positions that are very public or if that person works with a lot of people, it will help for their supervisor to give them a structure (to be the one point of contact) so that they can do their work without spending emotional energy on a lot of relationships. 

Perone also mentions the importance of remembering that a bereaved person is very raw and isn’t looking for advice. The loss is very real and new, and they simply need people to give them the patience to come through that tunnel of grief. 

By being patient, listening and making it known that you are there to support your colleague through a death or tragedy, you may just develop a stronger bond or working relationship with that coworker. 

“Sometimes friendships develop and strengthen in the workplace because somebody is there for you,” said Dr. Nadel. “You can deepen your work friendships, or sometimes a friendship can develop because of that support and outreach at the right time.” 

Top Takeaways

How To Talk with Colleagues Who Recently Experienced a Loss

• “Bereavement is when you're experiencing grief for having lost something or someone of tremendous value to you.” 
• Bereavement is more frequent in the workplace than ever: In 2021, Pew Research Center reported that with over 740,000 Americans dead from COVID-19, 72% of Americans said they knew someone who had been hospitalized or died from COVID-19. 
• Each COVID-19-related death will leave approximately nine bereaved — suggesting a “bereavement burden” reaching more than 8.9 million people. 
• Despite the urge to talk and comfort, follow the mantra “WAIT” (why am I talking?). 
• The number of bereavement days all depends on the size of the organization and what the human resources policies may be.
• Workplaces must understand and recognize that people need support not necessarily in the form of special accommodations but in the form of empathy. 
• “We need to remember that business moves fast, and grieving is slow.”