How to Talk to Your Teen

How's family life for you these days?

If you feel anxious and frustrated dealing with your teenager, might you be open to some suggestions to help you rub along a bit better?

Many parents like you, who have felt exasperated and 'shut out' have benefitted hugely from my Havoc to Harmony mentoring support programme. Read on to discover my simple yet solid advice that has been proven to make connecting and communicating a whole lot easier.

Here's what to bear in mind...

Is it the right time to talk?

Choose a time and a place that is most likely to bring about a good result. Wait until you are both less tired, or ratty, and communication will flow more easily. Feed your teenager before any discussion and you will stabilise blood sugar levels, which will help with concentration.

Schedule time

Give your teen advance notice that you’d like to discuss something with them. Tell them what it’s about and how long it will probably take. This will help them to prepare mentally, and not to feel caught off guard. Thanks

Walk and Talk

Whilst this was some teenage girls open up with a chat over juice or coffee, the majority (and certainly boys) respond better when on the move. Keeping active will lessen eye contact, which can feel somewhat confrontational, and cause them to withdraw. Whether you go for a walk or simply play catch with a ball, your teen will likely feel more comfortable to talk.

Don’t make it about you

Most times teenage behaviour and attitude is not personal, so try to keep your defences low, and keep your own emotions under control. This will help you to stay calm and not shout or lash out with unkind words or criticism. Easier said than done, I totally agree - if you know you need to neutralise your own emotional triggers, get in touch today, and we'll sort it.

Listen more than you talk

Don’t make it a lecture. The number one frustration I hear every day from young adults is that they are not given enough opportunity to be heard. Allow your teen to feel listened to. Be respectful of their thoughts and ideas, even if you disagree.

Remember that your teen is already a young adult

When communicating with your teen, try to apply the principle of transactional analysis and aim to talk to your teen on an adult-adult level. Meet them on respectful ‘level ground’ and you will be less likely to be on the receiving end of a defensive attitude, because they don’t like being spoken to as a ‘child’ younger than their years.

Put yourself in their shoes

Whilst as an adult you may feel their worries or upsets are trivial and insignificant in the grand scale of things, it is vital that you try to understand things from their perspective. Whatever is troubling them, no matter how trivial it might seem to you, to ‘them’ in their world it IS a big deal. By all means help them to gain a healthier sense of perspective, but aim to empathise with how they feel.

Deal with one thing at a time

Discussions often spiral into arguments when topics digress. Don’t overwhelm yourself or your teen by blurting out everything you are cross about in one go. Instead, get clear for yourself with a shortlist of key points you want to raise. Raise one concern at a time. Be specific and bring specific examples whenever you can (i.e. their 'floordrobe' or back chat!). Get feedback on their understanding, and only move on to your next point when you have agreement or clarity on the first.

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Ask yourself, 'is the issue is really worth making a fuss over?' Be selective in sharing your frustrations and let the small stuff go. That way, you will seem less of a nag and you will get a far better response when a bigger concern needs addressing.

Set clear and reasonable boundaries

Your teenager needs to know when they cross the line. Be clear and consistent about what you expect from them in how they behave and communicate and this will help them to feel secure. 

Be flexible

Aim to take your teenager’s point of view into account and consider their feelings - always. Lead by example and teach your teen the value in learning how to negotiate respectfully rather than being single-minded and closed in their thinking. Give them the opportunity to express how they see things.

Encourage independence

Check-in with yourself often to make sure the rules you enforce are relevant for the age of your teen. Their safety is, of course, your number one priority. However, there is often conflict when a teenager feels frustrated that their independence feels unfairly restricted for their age.

Admit when you are wrong

Showing yourself to your teen as a fallible human being takes so much pressure off of them. It gives them permission to get it wrong sometimes too. Say sorry quickly when you mess up and get it wrong or have misunderstood. 

Follow up

Agree a time to follow up on what you have raised and any relevant action your teenager needs to take, and 'by when.' Then drop it… Begin a different, lighter topic of conversation, so that you can both move on in a friendly way. 

Gush!

So many teenagers I ask do not know how much their parents love and appreciate them. I hear often that they 'think' they are loved, and that they 'hope' so, but they don't know for sure. For every confused or doubting teenager, there is a parent who is mortified that their teen could ever question their love!

Find the time every day to connect with your teen and tell them that you love them. Show them with thoughtful gestures and by being genuinely interested in what they have to say. Despite your being busy, make an effort to remember specific events or experiences or friends they tell you about. Give them honest and specific praise. Show them respect on a daily basis.

Learn to connect better with your teenage son or daughter and it will mean you will be the one they turn to when they need help - before things get out of hand.

Self-esteem in young adults has been a real challenge for British society for too long, and it has certainly worsened in the last decades. I believe that the Victorian 'stiff upper lip' of withholding emotion has a lot to do with it! Let's break the pattern and support young people today to be good communicators; to own their feelings and their worth by what they experience through communicating with us, as parents.

My experience is first-hand, both as a mum of two grown and flown and professionally through my Havoc to Harmony family mentoring programme. To find out more about how I can support you and your family click here to book a call, and we'll talk it through.

Warmly,

Lisa x

Mentor and Author

@anxiety we need to break up is a book written by me as a journal handbook which aims to help anxious young women and 'anxiety break up' helps anxious young men... to feel more in control and empowered in their lives. Books are available across 39,000 outlets nationwide. With no less than thirty tried and tested strategies to help grow self-esteem and self-confidence, this book holds the power to transform every anxious teenager into a happier, more self-accepting and secure young adult. Books are published by Compass Publishing and are available in digital format too, with free resources online to download.

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