How to Tell Where a Cop Works

Narcotics

-Immediately grow facial hair, and tell everybody you were ordered to.

-Start wearing "Tap Out" t-shirts.- Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.

-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.

-Practice the "Don't acknowledge me, even in the police station, look."

-Thinks even the Chief worships you.

-Make every case involve overtime $$$.

-Learn to play golf drunk.

SWAT

-Wear team T-shirts (size small), Oakley sunglasses, and boots every day.

-Try to fit the words "breach" and "tactical" into every conversation.

-Have a mirror handy to check your hair if you have hair.

-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator; just practice your SWAT head nod.

-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo, Muscle and Fitness magazines.

-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife, and a backup gun (just in case)

Community Service Units

-Hate SWAT.

-Work to make everybody love you.

-Paint your office in pastel colors.

-Think Feng Shui.

-Subscribe to Psychology Today.

-Learn to play miniature golf.

Traffic units

-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.

-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing your boots.

-Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else's radio traffic.

-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.

-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.

-Refer to the "other" law enforcement officers as "Car cops."

-"LBR" (Look Bitchin' Riding) is your mantra

-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.

K-9 Units

-Become sadistic.

-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.

-Brag about your largest drug find.

-Smell like a dog.

-Workout 3 times a day.

-Show off your bruises.

Administrative Units

-Three-hour lunches every day, telling everybody it's a "meeting."

-Upgrade department cell phone every month.

-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.

-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.

-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs

-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.

Patrol Units

-Has nerves of steel.

-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.

-Inability to keep mouth shut.

-Has defining tastes in alcohol.

-Is respected by peers.

-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.

FTO

-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when the car is put in gear.

-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a "good training opportunity" and asks to take primary.

-Life-long case of irritable bowel syndrome

-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.

Detectives

-Come in at 0800.

-"Breakfast" from 0815 to 1030.

-Work from 1030 to Noon.

-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.

-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn't know. Plan your next RV, fishing, or motorcycle trip.

Patrol Sergeant

-Remembers very well "how we usta do it."

-Always willing to tell his officers the above.

-Tries to fit the word "liability" into every sentence.

-Talks about "what he's hearing from upstairs."

Trainee

-Unable to grow facial hair.

-Watches every episode of Cops.

-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.

-Arrives for work three hours early.

-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.

-Won't drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.

New Corrections Officers

- Show up for work 15 minutes early.

- Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).

- Wear T-shirts of your "dream department" under your uniform.

- Wear a full-duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.

- Become friends with every local police officer.

Defensive Tactics Instructors

-Starts stretching before making an arrest.

-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.

-Wears yoga pants off-duty

-Chuck Norris is GOD

-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.

-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.

Firearms Instructor

- Respond to every question/statement with the word, 'huh?'

- Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief's approval rating.

- Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more lead leaves your system.

- Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.

- Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.

- Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.