HOW WELL DOYOUR PEOPLE KNOW YOU?

Would you actually have any idea?

Knowing you – really knowing you - would change their perspective on you. Yet sometimes we don’t allow the people around us – even those who work most closely with us – to know us all that well. We tend to keep them at a bit of a distance. At arm’s length. Leading sometimes seems easier if we are a little distant. Aloof even. If we create and air of mystique perhaps. And not getting emotionally involved. Or not too much anyway.

Would you even have much of an idea what they actually think of you? How they view you. As a person – and then as their leader?

According to a recent HBR study, it turns out that people in the workplace – most probably including in your workplace too – most people do not actually have a list of attributes that describe an ideal leader, at least for them. Instead, people regarded the most successful leaders as being those whom they perceived to draw on their own life experience as they went about their leading. By reframing their personal life stories viewed through the lens of their organisational leadership responsibilities, they were able to test themselves against real-world situations to understand who they were at their core. By doing so, says LaRae Quy, they became better leaders (see Want a better life? 3 pieces of advice for leaders, in Smart Company, 18 Dec 24). Leaders can significantly improve their lives- as well as their leading - by focusing on increasing their self-awareness, by developing and nurturing meaningful relationships and by committing to living a life of value and purpose, Quy asserts, offering three pieces of advice for leaders.

1. Accept who you are

The study of oneself is the most meaningful endeavour a leader can pursue because one’s guiding voice is ultimately internal, Quy affirms, adding that if leaders don’t understand themselves, they cannot completely develop either deep self-awareness, or self-control. Quy wants us to know that once we develop a genuine and validated sense of what triggers our behaviour, of what motivates us, of what drives us, we are better able to choose our responses to the situations we face, rather than losing control and allowing our emotions to take over and reacting to outside events. 

Cultivating a deeper self-awareness allows us to gain clarity about those triggers, Quy explains, enabling us to discern, appreciate and understand the steps that led us to where we are today. More importantly, deepening our self-awareness helps us identify both what we need to add to our skills and competencies, to our battery of leadership behaviours, and also to identify what we may need to change as we seek a sense of higher meaning and purpose in our personal as well as in our professional lives. 

When we accept who we are, warts and all, we are on the road to authenticity, Quy wants us to know, drawing on his own experience  as an FBI undercover agent. My success came from being myself, he shares, believing that being myself attracted people to me. I only ran into trouble when I didn’t take the time to be authentic. No matter what badge or name I slapped on, the game was up.

Since we live in a culture that celebrates superficiality, it’s hard to be authentic and accept who we are, Quy declares, claiming that people who are not authentic often wear masks to convey the image that they think others expect of them. We are surrounded by a “woke” society and a “cancel culture” Quy continues, a culture that isn’t afraid to judge and dismiss us if we fail to live up to their idea of virtue signalling.

This puts leaders in a tough spot, according to Quy, suggesting that there are times when we need to wear masks. The key, he claims, is to understand why and when you wear a mask.

But then, he cautions, it is important not to confuse the mask with the person you really are. Sometimes in our day-to-day leading, one of the ways we distance ourselves is by wearing a metaphorical mask, becoming the person we think the members of our team want us to be. In a school setting, we hide behind the persona of everyone’s idea of the Principal, but as Quy warns us, if the mask you wear when you show up to work isn’t the real you, you’ve just admitted that the person you are isn’t good enough. You perceive yourself as not being okay, or good enough to be yourself as the Principal, so you pretend to be something or someone else and seek refuge behind a disguise. 

And the worst part of that is, your people see straight through you and you lose their trust. If you cannot be yourself, then why should they trust you to be their leader? And if you always appear masked, how will they get to know who you really are?

Authenticity requires your seeking the personal wisdom to be gained from deep self-reflection, delving deeply into your own self to uncover and be consciously aware of your honest feelings and emotions. It’s the idea that how we feel inside should match our actions and behaviour on the outside. This can make us vulnerable; it can also make us incredibly courageous, Quy avers.

Quy’s tip: Take the time to observe yourself to understand when and why you wear a mask rather than show your authentic self. When you’re under pressure, what does your mask look like? Reflect on the types of masks you wear during the day. Ask yourself why?

2. Strive for meaningful relationships

Quy confirms that human beings are hard-wired to connect with others. You’re not alone if you think that wealth and fame will give you a better life, Quy attests, noting that  eighty percent of millennials surveyed indicated their life goal was to get rich, and 50% of them stated their second goal was to become famous.

He goes on to describe the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which sought to answer this critical question: What keeps us healthy and happiest as we age? 

Starting in 1938, researchers tracked the lives of 724 men, and the core breakthrough was simple and poignant: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Life is not about money or fame; life is about relationships, Quy emphasises, stating that the study concludes that people who have meaningful relationships live longer and are happier, yet people can be lonely in a marriage, and some of the most desolate places in the world are smack in the middle of a crowd. 

Quy also points out that the Harvard study makes a big point about the quality of relationships, not just the quantity, drawing your attention to the fact that all it takes is one person who truly understands who you are. It’s the quality of your close relationship matters, not the number of friends.

Yet if you do not let people in, if you never drop the mask to show who you truly are, your relationships will never attain the quality of a genuine mutually supportive and engaged relationship with another person. Drop your guard and be courageous enough to be you. After all, you are the only person you can be; everyone else is taken!

Quy’s tip: Relationships take effort and you might feel sustaining a relationship uses up a lot of energy, but they need to be a priority, Quy tells you, adding that having people around you who support you – both personally and professionally - are an investment in your future because quality relationships are healthy for your mind, body and soul.

3. Seek meaning and purpose

As a leader, every moment of every day, you decide how to spend your time, what to pay attention to and where to direct your energy, Quy acknowledges, continuing, in other words, what you value and consider important will absorb your time and attention. That’s because our values are extensions of who we are. Values define us. Our behaviour and emotions become disconnected when they are not aligned with our values.  

We can love ourselves; that is a valid value, Quy allows, but if you make yourself the most important thing you value in your life, then you will never desire to make a sacrifice for anyone else, or anything else. Jesus of Nazareth taught his followers that we should love our neighbours as we love ourselves. The Golden Rule says we should treat others as we ourselves would like to be treated.  As we value ourselves, so we must value others.

Quy’s alternative? If we value ourself and our self-interest ahead of everything and everyone else, life becomes purposeless, and we settle for pursuing the next big thing social media tells us will provide happiness. Pursuing fame and fortune will never fulfill us; those who do end up dying bitter, disillusioned older people, Quy says, bluntly.

Why?

Quy puts it this way: we were created to value something above ourselves. All humans need a form of spirituality because we yearn for a moral code or cause that is more important than ourselves. Also, he adds, we need to value something above ourselves to make our lives feel purposeful and meaningful. No matter which religion or faith tradition in which we were raised, our expression of our spirituality is shaped by our life experience.

Quy’s tip: Don’t bypass the hard work needed to discover your life’s calling or imagine it will magically drop into your lap. It takes continual introspection, self-reflection and commitment. 

Quy concludes by saying if we are to do the best we can do and become the best we can be – the best self we can be, the best person we can be, the best leader we can be - we must first own and acknowledge who we are in every sense - physically, spiritually, mentally and socially through the eyes of others, and trust our life experience as the best guide to striving to become our best selves in the future.