I Almost Died Saturday. Here's What I Learned.

Last week, I attended Modern Elder Academy - a unique retreat where you can learn from other people who are going through midlife transitions. Often they’re empty nesters or former CEOs who are looking for more meaning in their work. I heard about MEA from two friends, a CEO in his early 40s and the love guru, Arielle Ford, who is in her 70s. Both insisted I attend but naturally, I agonized about it for a month. It felt indulgent to take a week off to be at a boutique hotel in Baja Mexico doing workshops and eating fine food.

I did it anyway and it was amazing. I said yes to everything. Baking bread in the morning. Sound baths. Surfing. Staring into the eyes of strangers. Sharing feelings and dreams. I was so inspired after meeting 30 deep, thoughtful, accomplished people that I volunteered to be the liaison for our cohort, and was asked by the owner, Chip Conley,  if I’d speak at his Sante Fe campus. Just as importantly, I made new friends who see the world differently than I do because they’re CEOs, women, Silicon Valley gurus, community builders, and have vast networks that I didn’t even know existed.

I took extensive notes and was shocked at how many of them overlapped with the dating and relationship advice I offer to my Love U Community. Before we get to the I almost died part of the story, I want to drop some universal wisdom - whether you’re going through a career transition or you’re dating.

1. Introspection won’t solve this. Only acting your way into a new way of thinking and being.
2. Slow down, embrace the “messy middle”, allow yourself to oscillate between holding on and letting go. This can take 2-3 years to sort out.
3. Resist the temptations to make big decisions in one fell swoop and go for small wins.
4. Dabble while you hold down the fort. Experiment seriously without committing.
5. Find others outside your old social circles to inspire and support you.
6. Don’t wait for the truth to be revealed. Self-reflect as you go along.
7. Step back periodically and take a time-out if necessary.
8. Your new identity should be: Less anxious, more playful, more yes, more joining.

I could go on and on about this and what I learned from Modern Elder Academy and I probably would if it weren’t for the crazy thing that happened next.

I arrived on a return flight to LAX at 5pm on Saturday night and was looking forward to dinner with my family, where I could share my excitement and feel reconnected.

I got in my car around 5:50 and scrolled through my podcasts for the 45 minute drive home. I generally listen to comedy, sports, and politics but this time, I turned on my friend, Meghan Daum’s Special Place in Hell Podcast. I rarely listen to it, and I only turned it on because the show notes said it was the final one and I wanted to hear why. So I’m driving at normal freeway speed on the 405 North, listening to Meghan’s pod partner Sarah Haider talking about a brutal and uncomfortable ayahuasca retreat. Suddenly, I felt myself get dizzy, the way other people may get dizzy when they see blood. I remember my eyes darkening and talking to myself to keep breathing.

Next thing I knew I was being awakened at the side of the road by a man knocking on my window. Turns out, I passed out while I was driving, drifted to the right side of the freeway, and hit 3 cars before coming to a stop against a wall.

I don’t remember any of this, by the way.

Thankfully, no one was hurt and there was minimal car damage.

How does something like this happen? It’s pretty fluky.

I have vasovagal syncope, in which certain medical things trigger something in my brain that causes a sudden blood pressure drop that results in fainting. It’s happened to me maybe five times in my entire life - once watching Born on the Fourth of July and waking up with a knot on my head on the cold bathroom floor. Once when reading an article in Esquire about putting a catheter in a prostate patient. Once after a nurse tried to remove foam packing from my nose following a sinus surgery. Once at a dinner with another couple who was talking about some medical procedure and I froze for 20 seconds. And then, two days ago while driving on one of the most heavily trafficked freeways in the world.

The reason I’m sharing this embarrassing story at all is that I’m trying to see if there’s something I could learn from this. After one day, here’s what I’ve come up with:

I’m incredibly lucky - both to have nothing more than swelling in my knees (presumably from hitting the dashboard) and to have not hurt anyone else. There are so many other ways a passed-out driver in a moving car on a crowded freeway could have injured or killed people, it’s chilling. I don’t know if this is a near-death experience; I do know that it could have been infinitely worse and potentially life-changing.

I’m well aware that the effects of my accident on three other drivers and their families may be even greater than the effects on me. I don’t want to minimize that. I’m only sharing my perspective because the cops insisted I remain in the car and not talk with anyone while they did their jobs.

I asked the firemen if they’d seen this before; I assumed most of their work was due to distracted drivers, drunk drivers, and sleepy drivers. Turns out Vasovagal Syncope is common and affects over ⅓ of people. Just usually not while they’re driving.

But the thing that I’m taking away from these events is embodied in one person: Lydia Kan, a 62-year-old woman I became close with at Modern Elder Academy. She is highly impressive, confident, sunny, and believes she can do anything - and usually does.

On a sunset hike, she dislocated her finger and was smiling minutes later. Two days later, she slipped and fell into a cold pool with her clothes on - and was still smiling when it happened. She didn’t let it ruin her week, day or hour.

I instantly thought: that’s who I want to be.

So no matter how embarrassing, annoying, scary, frustrating and expensive this incident, I chose not to let it ruin my evening with my family, much less my week or holiday season. Sometimes shit happens that you didn’t plan and you just have to roll with it.

Now let’s bring this back to how all of this craziness pertains to you:

It’s easy to get stuck in an unhappy place when you do the same thing over and over.

For me, it was working in a home office for 20 years as an extrovert. I realized I needed to be around people more. That’s why I joined 3 different groups in the past month. That’s why I’m saying yes to more podcasts, more conferences, and introductions to people who are outside of my local network of upper middle class married couples.

By trying different things and meeting new people you get a different perspective on the world and a different result. I got a job at JDate when I was temping in an adjacent office. I got my first book agent from Lori Gottlieb because we’d collaborated on a screenplay before. I got a TEDx talk from a client who recommended me to her local colleagues. Everything happens because of your interactions with people, how you show up with them, and what you make of them.

For months, I’ve been trying to solve my own work dilemma by writing thoughts on a Google Doc. Instead, I could have asked two dozen brilliant women CEO types for their input. Guess which worked better?

The same goes for you. Look at your life. The track it’s been on. The direction it’s going.

So I want to ask you one question which I took from Modern Elder Academy: 10 years from now, what will you regret if you don’t do it now? For at least three of the women at my retreat, the answer was to make time to find a soulmate.

How are you going to do that with your same friends and your same therapist and your same perspective on dating, relationships and men?

You can’t. No one can.

I got out of my comfort zone and had an incredible life changing experience - and then came home and could have died due to the flukiest of circumstances.

Does it have any inherent meaning? Probably not. But the meaning I’M giving is that I’d rather take the risk and live my life to the fullest with other people than to sit at home and try to think my way out of my problems.

If any of those ramblings touch you, please comment below. And if you’d like to find a partner to take care of you the way my wife takes care of me - both after a car accident and every other day, you can go to www.evanmarckatz.com to learn more about how I can help.