I Am a Fu@£ing Contradiction: Welcome to Humanity

The concept of authenticity is thrown around a lot these days, especially when everyone seems to be on a quest to ‘find themselves’ or ‘live their truth’. Yet, the idea of aligning all parts of ourselves—our thoughts, actions, and values—into a seamless life often feels impossible. Life, and truly living in it, isn’t as simple as claiming alignment and ticking it off a list.

Back in my twenties, I was a young martial arts coach, managing a successful full-time academy and training students from dawn until well past sunset. My days began at 5 a.m. and didn’t slow down until 9 p.m. Fueled by ambition, I prided myself on resilience. But looking back, it wasn’t the badge of honour I thought it was. I was pushing through injuries I ignored and sidestepping emotional hurdles with the stubborn belief that ‘showing up’ was enough. In truth, I was ignoring essential parts of myself to feed an idea of what I thought I was supposed to be, what society says will make me ‘successful’.

This kind of quiet contradiction often hides behind ambition. We push ourselves, paint a picture of resilience and dedication, but in reality, there’s often a neglected side of ourselves left bruised and unaddressed. This isn’t just a personal challenge; it’s part of a larger pattern that pressures us to compartmentalise who we are to fit an external narrative.

The Hypocrisy of Perfection in the Public Eye

Ironically, we live in a time when any ‘mistake’ or inconsistency is scrutinised under a societal microscope, especially for those in the public eye. The first slip or perceived misalignment, and we’re quick to condemn, as if being fallible makes us unworthy of respect. I often think of people like Alan Watts, whose work on life’s mysteries continues to inspire millions. Yet Watts himself struggled profoundly with alcoholism. Does this contradiction make his insights less valuable? Not at all. It reminds us that no one—no matter how insightful or wise—is immune to the complexities of human existence.

In understanding this, we begin to see authenticity for what it truly is. Authenticity isn’t perfection; it’s presence. It’s about acknowledging our imperfections without letting them invalidate our strengths. The sooner we make peace with this, the sooner we free ourselves from the paralysing grip of trying to ‘get it right’ all the time.

The Impossible Task of Full Alignment

One of the most challenging lessons I’ve encountered is that our lives will always have cracks, contradictions, and complexities. Society may preach ‘alignment’ or ‘perfection’ as a virtue, but these ideals are often more fantasy than achievable reality. I’ve come to see that our inner world, like the outer one, is constantly shifting. Trying to align every thought, feeling, and value at every moment is not only impossible but may lead us further from the truth.

Jasin Pargin’s words capture it well: ‘Accept all of your heroes are full of shit. Your heroes aren’t gods. They’re just regular people who probably got good at one thing by neglecting literally everything else.’ This honest perspective forces us to confront the limitations of the people we admire and, by extension, ourselves. Heroes are no less human than the rest of us—they’re simply more visible in one or two areas that society happens to value. Recognising this doesn’t diminish their contributions but allows us to see them as whole, flawed individuals rather than idealised versions. It’s a reminder that contradictions don’t invalidate the good; they simply point to our shared humanity.

Reflecting on this, I recall the countless moments I let my own contradictions frustrate me. I’d tell myself I was ‘too this’ or ‘not enough that,’ setting impossible standards without realising that it was in my imperfections that my authentic self lived. Embracing this allowed me to let a broader range of experiences and qualities coexist within me rather than boxing them up into neat, incompatible categories.

Embracing Contradictions as Part of Living Authentically

True authenticity isn’t about being wholly consistent or perfectly aligned; it’s about accepting that life is inherently contradictory. We’re often a blend of many different values, desires, and motivations, some of which conflict. It’s human to experience moments when we don’t live up to our ideals. The trick isn’t to root out every inconsistency but to live in honest engagement with them. This brings us to what existential thought might refer to as ‘living in good faith’. Living in good faith doesn’t mean being flawless or perfectly aligned—it means living with integrity by owning our choices, however messy or imperfect they might be.

For me, this means accepting the complexities within myself instead of fighting against them. There’s a saying that life is a ‘permanent work in progress,’ and this rings truer with each passing day. As much as I work toward being ‘whole,’ I accept that this wholeness is dynamic, constantly moving with the ebb and flow of my experiences and perceptions. Our growth doesn’t have to be linear or fully coherent; sometimes, the zigzags and detours offer the richest lessons.

This isn’t about resigning to a lack of standards or accountability—it’s about understanding that growth and authenticity are rarely straightforward. We are constantly shedding old skins, adopting new understandings, and revisiting past perspectives. By accepting this, we allow ourselves to engage with our contradictions as stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks.

Finding Balance Within Contradictions

There’s a difference between letting contradictions paralyse us and letting them guide us. A fundamental aspect of balance is understanding that contradictions don’t have to be resolved; they simply need to be recognised and respected. Imagine standing in the middle of a seesaw, each side representing different aspects of yourself. Balance isn’t achieved by choosing one side over the other but by allowing both sides to coexist.

I think of balance as more of an art than a science. When we let go of the need to resolve every contradiction, we open up space for the real work of living. We can choose which battles to fight and which ones to accept. This is not surrender; it’s acknowledging the reality that we are all a blend of different, often contradictory, elements. Instead of trying to eliminate every inconsistency, I’ve found that my best self emerges when I respect both sides of my contradictions and learn to move between them with grace.

It reminds me of the balance we try to strike in martial arts—a blend of strength and softness, power and agility. Just as a martial artist must harness both strength and restraint, we must learn to let our contradictions inform us rather than control us. We move fluidly between them, not because we’re hypocritical, but because life demands this flexibility.

Moving Beyond ‘Image Management’ and Accepting True Authenticity

In a world that has elevated image management to an art form, true authenticity requires courage. We live in a time when social media encourages us to curate our lives into digestible, polished moments, creating the illusion of coherence and control. But in reality, we are all a mix of light and shadow, moments of clarity, and times of doubt. Embracing this fuller, more honest version of ourselves requires that we let go of the polished image and accept the raw, sometimes messy, person underneath.

For those of us in positions of leadership or influence, there’s a sense of responsibility to be transparent about our struggles and contradictions. I’ve found that sharing my own experiences—my successes, setbacks, and the lessons I’ve learned along the way—has allowed me to connect with others in a way that would never have been possible if I had hidden behind a ‘perfect’ facade. This willingness to be vulnerable and transparent is, I believe, a mark of true authenticity.

It’s tempting to present ourselves as polished, unwavering, and untroubled, especially when others look to us for guidance. But I believe that allowing others to see our struggles and inconsistencies doesn’t weaken our influence; it strengthens it by rooting it in real human experience.

Integrating Our Contradictions: An Ongoing Process

The journey to integrating contradictions is ongoing. It’s about consistently choosing to engage with ourselves honestly, allowing our different aspects to coexist without forcing them into alignment. Each day brings new experiences and, with them, new challenges to our sense of self. The work of authentic living is never complete; it’s a daily practice of self-reflection, acceptance, and, perhaps most importantly, compassion.

I often find myself contemplating Kierkegaard’s thoughts on authenticity. He believed that authenticity isn’t a goal to be reached but a process of becoming, of continually turning inward and asking if we are being true to ourselves at that moment. There’s no final destination—just a series of choices, each one an opportunity to live more authentically than the last.

Allowing Space for Growth: Letting Contradictions Shape Us

To live with contradictions is to allow ourselves the space to grow, change, and adapt without the pressure to ‘arrive’ at some final version of ourselves. We are all in a state of flux, with new experiences, perspectives, and relationships constantly shaping who we are. When we make room for our contradictions, we create space for our personal evolution. It’s in these spaces that we find our truest self, not in a static sense, but in an active engagement with life’s ever-changing terrain.

I think of this process as a conversation—between my values, my experiences, and my aspirations. Rather than forcing them to align neatly, I let them interact, clash, and inform each other. In this way, my contradictions don’t weaken me; they deepen me, allowing for a fuller, more nuanced understanding of who I am and how I wish to move through the world.

Embracing the Whole Self

In the end, the pursuit of alignment isn’t about eradicating our contradictions but embracing them. Authenticity isn’t perfection; it’s a willingness to live honestly within our imperfections. It’s about accepting that we will make mistakes, that our heroes are flawed, and that we, too, will sometimes fall short of our ideals. But these contradictions don’t define us. They are simply a part of the journey, a part of what it means to be human.

Living authentically, then, is less about the pursuit of consistency and more about the courage to be real. It’s about allowing ourselves to be works in progress, recognising that there’s beauty in the messy, contradictory lives we lead. It’s a call to embrace both our light and shadow, to make peace with the complexities within us, and to walk our path with a heart open to all that we are—flaws, contradictions, and all.