I am NOT my Hair.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a love/hate relationship with my hair. When I was younger it was in pigtails. As I got older, I embraced the popular styles of Black America. I had braids with beads and at a young age had a relaxer. I remember thinking “Why can’t I feather my hair ”? Those of you who know me well and have seen my hair (very few in my circle have seen my hair and several fellas who I dated have never seen my hair) will know why for me this is impossible. The texture of my hair is very kinky and curly and even in its straightest state, that style alluded me.

Throughout high school I enjoyed even more styles from the different types of braiding looks, the infamous Jheri Curl (and yes, I slept with a plastic wrap at night) to the “oh so new “dry Jheri curl and everything in between.

As I got older the styles that didn’t’ involve me exposing my natural hair became a part of my repertoire. Always starting with a relaxer then I could add whatever style I wanted. I learned about full and ½ weaves and then my world exploded as I learned about wigs. Short wigs, long wigs, curly, straight, and dyed. I could not get enough, and I admit today one of my guilty pleasures is the stash of wigs I own.

As I entered the professional world, I always had a neat and professional coif. Not a hair out of place and as I associated with my peers; they wore more natural and not so “neat” styles I found myself puzzled. I had become so accustomed to knowing that I didn’t have good hair and that my natural hair was undesirable that I projected this out. Even a well-meaning mother told me at a young age, I am sorry you have my chicken head* and I wish you had your father’s hair. It’s nice, smooth, and curly. As a child I always thought my dad’s hair was good hair and my mom’s hair was not good hair. I believed it because, well, my mom told me.

I made sure no one ever saw my real hair in its natural state. It wasn’t until I was in my late 30s that I had spoken to another black woman who, in our conversations, spoke about hair. She had mentioned that she had been natural for 10 years and her hair was long. I mean middle of her back long. So instead of letting go of the myth that Black women can’t grow long hair, I figured she was mixed. When I would see Black women on TV, most of them wore wigs, pieces, or something else because I didn’t see many women with my natural hair on TV. At the end of the day this was an undesirable and ugly style. We had a few more conversations and I decided I wanted to try the natural look. I would always have my wigs to hide my natural hair while it grew long and then I could share with the world my natural hair. 

I had a friend who was a hairdresser. He knew nothing about black hair and to be honest neither did I. I had always gone to the salon to have a style that required minimal time on my part so this would be educational for me also. We learned together. I told him I was doing the big chop. The big chop can happen when you literally cut your hair off to a very short style. Little did I realize I was part of the era of Black women transitioning to embrace more of the natural styles which are quite stunning when the negative stigma attached is removed. He cut it short. I mean it was 3 to 4 inches MAYBE. I went home and could not believe my craziness. Why would I do this? My hair never grew very long. At best it touched my shoulders once. I would see Black women who had ridiculous shrinkage** extend hair to lengths I could only dream about.

MY HAIR DID NOT GROW LONG.

So, while I “transitioned” I wore wigs and hid my hair and still didn’t’ take care of it. I even had a small store of a variety of products that I would use on my hair but to little benefit.

Since I had already bought into the narrative that I didn’t have good hair and it wouldn’t grow long, I went back to doing what I normally did which was nothing. I’d see a hairdresser if I wanted a specific style, but I still had perfectly coifed hair whether it was a weave, braids, or a wig. Now these are wonderful styles and when they are used to accentuate rather than be a crutch and they can be worn with pride. For me- it was the mask that hid my hair.

I never had a problem at work because my hair was always done. I remember having a neighbor who was a second father to me state after getting my braids “You shouldn’t wear that to work, it doesn’t look very professional.” I was surprised at the comment but didn’t take him to task. Black women around the world have taken flack for their natural styles so his comment was not a surprise to me.

When we say representation matters and it really does!!!

This 40-something professional went to the movies and like everyone, was excited to see Black Panther. As I sat in the movies thrilled to watch this amazing all black cast, I, like a wide-eyed teenager watched a king's guards, made up of all black women. They were fierce. They were strong. They were beautiful. they were BALD! THEY WERE BALD. At one point one of the guards wore a wig as part of her disguise and when she was about to fight, pulled it off her hair and had some choice comments for the wig. I laughed and thought- I wish I could pull that look off. I thought of a million reasons why I could not pull this look off. I still toyed with the idea but never really entertained it more than just an idea.

Then 2020 hit and we were in a pandemic that caused us all to be quarantined. I had been experimenting with my hair prior to the pandemic and kept telling my sweet husband, I want to cut it all off. I’m sick of it. Even my husband said ‘You’ve been trying to grow it long. You won’t be mad?”. Nooooooooooooooo I said. ( ha)

I thought about it more. I didn’t do anything. I’d go to my Teams meetings and turn the camera on and sometimes I would have a wrap, a hat, or a wig. Still even though my attire consisted of my professional P.Js. I still struggled with my hair. Of the many people who I have video chatted with, I can count on 1 hand how many saw my natural hair on a call. Those who did, I always prefaced with – not many people have seen my natural hair and it’s not done. I felt I needed to make an excuse for my hair.

REALITY CHECK: no one had their hair done, Caucasian, Asian, Indian or any other demographic you can think of. We were all dealing with a pandemic and the new challenges associated with it. Men wore baseball caps and women would opt to turn off their cameras. We all were struggling with how we looked on the other side of that monitor. The pandemic became the great equalizer.

I had spoken to a close coworker and shared with her my desire to cut my hair off. DO IT – she said. It is empowering. My best friend had lost her mother to cancer and she had cut her hair off in solidarity with her mom. DO IT she told me. I talked to my husband again and he said, “As long as you are not mad about it”. And let’s face it – if I did it and I was mad, much as I would try, he would feel the brunt of my anguish.

One day, I attended a monthly ERG chat at work. Our ORG hosts these chats to promote conversations about topics that we otherwise might not feel comfortable talking about. A senior executive is present to learn, provide support and as things are surfaced that do require visibility- will assist with those things. They also offer a great opportunity to talk in the absence of watercooler chats or informal chats about random topics.

Besides our sponsor is pretty cool and that day he learned about Black women’s hair. For some reason that was one of the topics of conversation and we all – as a group talked about laying edges and what moisture and humidity does to hair and had quite the educational conversation. While that may not sound like a good topic, if you are close friends with a Black woman whom you ALREADY talk to about all items “woke”- this is a good topic. If you don’t know a Black woman this is NOT a good topic as I won’t be responsible for the unintended consequences. You may want to start with why history books are not a good representation of history instead. The conversations did include the election, general news happenings, the vaccine, and all kinds of things important to all.

For some reason, lately I would read about someone else who shaved their head. Every single day. I talked to my best friend about it and told my husband, before 2020 is out, my head will be bald. Now unbeknownst to me this sweet man had gone to the store and bought a new set of clippers because he figured, this was happening at some point. Imagine my delight when at 8:30pm one night I looked at him and said, “Let’s do this”. He went out to his car and said, I was going to give this to you on Christmas. GASP.

I went upstairs and put my new clippers together. I turned on my camera and he started shaving. After getting the front he said, “You sure??”. I laughed. Umm... this horse has left the stable. We need to finish now, or I will look like I had a fight with the clippers, and I lost.

He shaved and I felt amazing. When he was done, he would feel different parts of my head to make sure it was even. He took so much care to ensure that he got every spot. When I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror and felt that an enormous weight was off my shoulders. Out with the old and in with the new. I looked at the pile of hair and I was happy.

I then thought about work. I still have and will always love my wigs but for the next little while I will embrace my new look. My wigs will not be a crutch anymore, but they will be an accessory if and when I choose and not what defines me.

I could not stop touching my scalp. It’s all gone and boy its cold!!!

I am not my hair. My hair is a part of me. I make it what it is. I will show up and take me for what I am.

REFERENCES

*A colloquialism that doesn’t translate well from Haitian-creole to English. The crux is if you think of where a chicken has its feathers its usually very sparse and tough. I often learned to compare my hair to sheep’s wool, very coarse.

** Shrinkage. Depending on the hair type and hair porosity, curly hair can shrink up to 90%. Shrinkage is the decrease in length when your hair dries. Not only is it completely normal and a sign of healthy hair; it shows that your hair is properly moisturized and has good elasticity. We cannot change a phenomenon that is a key characteristic feature of curly hair. Not to forget, shrinkage is the main ingredient of the uniqueness of our curly crown. By WHITNEY GARCIA-DEVERS "What is Natural Hair Shrinkage and Why Do I care?" 6/1/2018

The following will always have influenced my choice for cutting it all off:

In 2018 Sanaa Lathan was in a movie called "Nappily Ever After" A cheeky romance but her angst about her hair resonated with me.

2018 : Black Panther. Check out Okoye! Need I say more.

This year in 2020 "Jingle Jangle: A Christmas Journey" hit Netflix. As I watched the title actors my heart sighed as I pointed out to my husband how I had not seen a mainstream movie with so many people embrace natural hair.

There is so much information about black hair, the ups and downs and journey. I have never hidden the fact that I enjoy doing many things with my hair. Now I can share my hair journey completely open and unashamed.