I am not what others label me

Recently I was talking to a good friend about how we had been in the two years of lockdowns. This quickly became very open and we went from quite superficial: work, shopping, bad TV, to talking about how it affected us psychologically. We agreed that we were lucky because we had supportive partners who we liked spending time with. However, we also agreed that we had found it at times extremely difficult to cope and wondered how others had coped. We both said that we felt guilty at not coping because we knew others were having a worse time: those who lived alone, lived in difficult domestic situations, in cramped conditions with no outside space etc.

She said that, for her, the hardest part to deal with was when a close friend, who had been ill for a couple of years, had died and she felt guilty that she had not been able to be with her when she died, or attend her funeral. We discussed this at some length but since this is her story not mine, I will leave this part of our discussion now.

When we started to talk about why I had found it difficult I told her that I had been contacted by my GP within a few days of the first lockdown to say how I was classed as extremely vulnerable and must not go out, even for a walk. I also received two notifications from the government telling me the same thing, and told me, at length, the implications for me. It was quite scary, and, by the way, lockdown in effect closed my business, so that also had me worried.

During the next two years I found it increasingly difficult to cope, although I had, superficially, had a  great time. My business not only survived but actually flourished and I spent a lot of time with my beloved. I never felt as I had before all the Covid malarkey started: I gained weight and did some, but not as much, exercise and that didn’t help.

Then she said it: “It must have been difficult to have been labelled in that way” It was as if a light bulb went on, amazing. I have never thought of myself as vulnerable much less extremely vulnerable and that had slowly wheedled its way into my brain and I realised I have been frightened and that has undermined me. This conversation was so helpful. I started by working through the workbooks I offer to clients, then I bought some clothes in a bigger size because to keep trying to get into my usual size was not helping. Slowly I am increasing my exercise and managing what I eat better. I’m getting back on track, and the icing on the cake? My consultant has told me that given how well I am doing I am no longer classed as extremely vulnerable. In all this the trigger for me was that I had accepted a label others have placed on me, yes I needed to carry out the medical advice, but the label does not define me.

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Have fun, stay safe.