I Was Desperate!

I was at the point where I was getting frustrated and angry, and I needed relief from this pain quickly. My pain was debilitating all aspects of my life. My fear of not being able to work, or go on holiday felt so real.

I recalled how angry I was at the hospital for not allowing me to come into the hospital earlier when my waters had broken. I was advised to stay at home on three occasions when I was pregnant with my second child, and he was delivered in the rear of my car in the hospital car park. Now that was an entrance into the hospital I will never forget. Thankfully my son was absolutely fine, however the trauma on my mind rather than my body was just setting in, I just didn't know it at the time.

Anger and frustration, when I started becoming aware about the mind/body connection is linked to muscle tension in the body. Acceptance and belief that pain has a psycho physiological root is important. The emotion is converted into a physical manifestation, which Freud, an Austrian neurologist, and founder of psychoanalysis, had penned all of those years ago regarding Conversion Disorder.

When I worked as a lawyer, and defending cases against claimants who were pursuing a personal injury claim, after sustaining whiplash injuries in road traffic accidents, it was clear to see in a majority of the medical records I reviewed, that there was a long history of emotional problems, either in childhood, or later on in life. Even medical experts who assessed them would be baffled why their physical symptoms would persist, and would refer them for a psychological report. The problem is that claimants would still be unaware, that the root cause of their ongoing pain would not be the whiplash injury, but their emotions, and how this affected their nervous system, which is why the pain would persist.

When I had my daughter, and my father has sadly passed away, I started suffering with tension headaches, and migraines on weekends, which I put down to a hectic week, however this was caused by stress. I was unhappy and unfulfilled in the role I was doing as my values did not align, and I kept on being emotionally triggered. I had been qualified as a coach, and I knew I needed to make a career change, to transition to being a self employed coach, however I held myself back due to fear.

I did not make this connection until I started becoming aware, and educating myself of the actual root cause, and what underlying emotions were causing the pain in my body.

I was still in panic mode, and continued with my focus on a quick recovery, and I sought a conventional chiropractor to help me through exercises and laser treatment. I thought I needed fast effective relief, and the laser treatment actually gave me some temporary relief. I couldn’t do any of the exercises recommended as it exacerbated the pain I was feeling. The funny thing was my usual chiropractor did not treat me that day, as he suffered from migraines quite often, and used to take two days off to recover.

Given that my nervous system was so heightened, I thought if it’s my emotions that are at play, I must need psychotherapy, and I had 6 sessions to help me. As lovely as that was, talking about my past, I knew this was not sufficient to help me through this pain. It was not an external factor that was going to “fix” me. I had to do the inner work to fix me.

If we believe that we have a physical problem and seek medical treatment such as physiotherapy or a chiropractor to cure the physical pain this will keep our mind in persistent pain. Even psychotherapy which I tried can help past trauma, however it does not treat the root cause of the problem.

The physiotherapist and conventional chiropractor had both advised me that I should not walk or jog for 6 weeks or so, which made me feel worse. When speaking with Georgie Oldfield, founder of SIRPA, she was of the view that activity is good for us, and to reframe my thoughts when I had fear. For example, I would say I cannot walk far, and to reframe that fear I would state although I cannot walk far, I can walk a little and this feels amazing! I used to write out, and acknowledge my fears, which helped ease my anxiety.  

I watched YouTube videos/discussions between Georgie and recovered clients to convince my mind that others who had even worse diagnoses than me had recovered fully, and were living their best life, so why couldn’t I be like that? I read a lot of recovery stories from the books I was reading, and even Steven Ozanich, the author of The Great Pain Deception told me if thousands of others have recovered why couldn’t I? I needed to see evidence, and hear it, which my brain needed to accept.

I still sought out a third chiropractor, who I had heard was very good, and their clinic highlighted that talking with patients was important for wellbeing. This is the main reason I went to a third chiropractor, and had a consultation via zoom. However, in my desperation she told me that she could not work with me as it sounded like I had a nerve problem. I felt lost.

She recommended static exercises, and putting an ice pack on my back, however my sensations in my right leg increased, which should not have happened. She could not explain why this had happened. She then told me to use biofreeze, a pain relief gel to soothe the pain, and again this did nothing. She tried so hard for me, and recommended a private MRI scan. She did not understand what I was experiencing, and at this point I was on the verge of giving up. I felt like I was not only getting confused, and frustrated, but that the ones who were experts in this field of pain were just giving me false hope of recovery.

3 takeaways –

1. Don’t panic and try different medical professionals – It’s understandable to do this, however this is likely to make you more frustrated and more fearful about your pain and keep your nervous system in a flight or fight mode.
2. Watch recovery videos through Youtube, read articles, and books on chronic pain recovery to give you inspiration, and hope that you will recover.
3. Don’t focus on someone else’s time frame of when they recovered from chronic pain – focus on your own healing journey, as your nervous system/brain, and how you process pain, and your emotions will be different to the next person.