I was not hurt by her, but by my own expectations!
To thrive and lead a fulfilling life, I believe we need to nurture the most important relationship in our life - the one we have with our Self! Thus, my intention here is to share with you matters I hope you'll find useful to guide you on your journey to create a loving relationship with yourself and others, and to build a life you desire.
It's December already and I am wondering, when did the year pass? Let's begin by ending this year with some reflections...
Some time ago I made plans to meet a friend in the evening. We were supposed to meet at an amusement park where there were a bunch of parties. She told me the exact location where I would find her and I was on my way, exited to listen to some good music and dance the night away. But, as I entered the park suddenly the space around me became smaller and smaller. I was squeezed between zillion people; colourful lights from all the various adventure rides landed on my eyes and loud sounds hit my eardrums. This overwhelmed my senses, especially because I had just returned from the serenity of the mountains where I had spent 5 days in silence, feasting on the beautiful views and sounds of nature.
My heart started beating faster and faster. My whole body started trembling. I tried to focus on finding my friend, but it was impossible in the crowds. I had a few phone conversations with her and she tried to explain where they were, but I was already lost in the space. Eventually, I was struggling for breath and I didn't feel well at all. As I brought my awareness to all the sensations happening within me, I realized I was having my first panic attack. It was scary!
Luckily, I posses NLP tools that help me quickly regulate my state, so I was able to move out of the crowd and feel safer. Throughout this experience I constantly told my friend on the phone that I didn't feel well, that I was overwhelmed and asked her to meet me outside of the amusement park where it was not so crowded. But, she didn't! She didn't come to meet me, she didn't come to help me, she didn't even write a message afterwards to ask if I was okay.
I felt disappointed, hurt, angry and full of resentment.
It took some time to distance myself from this event and ditch the anger, and a lot of reflection to realize: I was not hurt by her, but by my own expectations!
Let's break now with a few announcements and then move on...
Getting back...
Expectations shape our reality
Vast research has shown that our perception of the world is influenced by our expectations. They refer to “prior beliefs” we hold that "help us make sense of what we are perceiving in the present, based on similar past experiences.", rooting from our deepest longings. Expectations determine how we interact with the world, acting as silent architects of our daily life. Whether conscious or unconscious, they influence our health, happiness, and how we perceive situations, people, and even ourselves - thus serving as a roadmap for our emotions and reactions.
These statements above have been scientifically proven by a recent study conducted at MIT. “If you can’t quite tell what something is, but from your prior experience you have some expectation of what it ought to be, then you will use that information to guide your judgment,” neuroscientist Mehrdad Jazayeri says, “We do this all the time.”
In the case above with my friend, my base point was: what I would do when a friend of mine would be in such situation. Thus, forming my judgement of the situation based on my expectations.
But, we are all different!
As Dr. John Johnson, Prof. Emeritus of Psychology at the Pennsylvania State University, writes
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"Expecting life to always turn out the way you want is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life will not always turn out the way you want it to. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment also involves resentment."
I don't see expectations as something bad, per se. To me, they are about raising our standards. The important thing is, I believe, learning the art of managing expectations. Realistic expectations pave the way for smoother relationships and a more balanced outlook on life.
Striking the right balance involves awareness, open communication, empathy and a willingness to adapt.
🌱 Start by cultivating awareness. Recognize when expectations arise, allowing yourself to observe them without judgment. Understand that expectations, while natural, are not rigid realities.
🌱 If you only hold your expectations to yourself implicitly and don't verbalize them, it is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don't know what they are. No one is in your head! Communicate openly your needs and desires, but be open to understanding the perspectives and limitations of others.
🌱 Embrace flexibility. Life is inherently unpredictable, and holding onto rigid expectations can lead to frustration. Instead, be open to different outcomes and appreciate the beauty of spontaneity.
🌱 Practice mindfulness. Ground yourself in the present moment rather than dwelling on anticipated futures. This helps in fostering acceptance and a deeper connection with reality as it unfolds.
🌱 Cultivate gratitude. Focus on appreciating what is, rather than what isn't. Gratitude shifts the perspective from lack to abundance, fostering contentment in the present.
🌱 Finally, be kind to yourself. Letting go is a process, not an instant achievement. Embrace self-compassion as you navigate the journey toward releasing expectations, creating space for a more authentic and fulfilling existence.
Understanding and navigating expectations is a crucial skill for personal growth and harmonious relationships. It's about understanding our deepest longings and finding harmony between aspiration and acceptance.
Finally, if you want to find the root of your expectations, ask yourself:
What am I longing for?
To close,
My message for the month of December is:
Let yourself be surprised 💫
Inspiration and Information Sources:
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Coach. Trainer. Keynote Speaker. 𝌂Human Development𝌄
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