Icebreaker Games: Trust Falls or Trust Fails?

I heard from a human resources executive who wants to ban icebreakers in company meetings and training sessions. He claims that while icebreaker games are well-intended, they make most people feel uncomfortable or irritated.

And by "most people," he meant him! This dude gave me three opinions as to why icebreakers suck:

1. People would rather just dive straight into the material, he said. Icebreakers waste time, and time is money!
2. Icebreakers also violate people's privacy by getting people to reveal personal things that are nobody's business but their own.
3. And lastly, he claimed that people from different cultures don't value icebreaker games, and that's why we need to respect a multicultural organization and avoid icebreakers altogether.

Whew! There's a lot of hooey to unpack there, so let's get started!

First, I looked straight into the executive's soulless eyes and said,

"Who hurt you?"

Not really. I didn't do that!

Sadly, I had a pretty good idea. Icebreakers get a bad reputation for a lot of reasons!

And yet, icebreakers are supposed to warm up the participants. The intent is to create a positive atmosphere where collaboration, creativity, and team building can thrive.

Sounds like something any HR exec would approve of, right? There must be something else going on to create such icebreaker animosity!

So I said:

"If you don't mind, tell me about an icebreaker game you hated."

See what I did there? I asked him to play an icebreaker game with me, right then and there!

And without hesitation, he took the bait! He said:

Oh, we had to go around in a circle and share our favorite drink when we were kids. I said 'Fresca' and a lot of the young people didn't know what it was, so I told them it was a grapefruit pop. And then they all made fun of me for being old and coming from a different culture. And for liking grapefruit, which isn't exactly a popular choice. And for saying 'pop' instead of 'soda.'

Aha! I had a richer idea about why he really feels the way he does. (That's the beauty of getting a story instead of a list of conclusions.) So I said,

Wow! What did the facilitator do after the rest of the group started razzing you?

His answer wasn't surprising. The facilitator didn't do anything and went on to the next person!

Listen, I don't know the point of the "drinks game" or why the facilitator chose it as an icebreaker. It seems innocuous enough, though. And it doesn't sound like something that would cause anyone deep-seated or long-lasting trauma.

And yet, here we are. We have an HR exec who is traumatized enough to want to ban icebreakers for life!

So, I thanked the exec for sharing with me. His story gave me some powerful insights, and I told him so! (I also told him I loved Fresca! It's delicious!)

And then I confessed and told him I had asked him an icebreaker question! How did that make him feel?

He said my question wasn't an icebreaker!

What! Of course it was! I asked him to spontaneously share something personal with me!

But he said it wasn't an icebreaker because it was relevant to our conversation. He wasn't put on the spot. And he felt confident I wouldn't make fun of his answer!

OK, now reread the above paragraph. Why?

Because that answer mostly reveals how a meeting or training facilitator can run an effective icebreaker! If you're going to use an icebreaker in a meeting or training session:

1. Build trust. Set the tone. Be curious about what people say!
2. Make sure the icebreaker is relevant to your topic.
3. Encourage participation. If someone doesn't want to play, let them know it's OK.
4. Praise good efforts as well as good outcomes.
5. Don't make fun of people or belittle their contributions.
6. If people behave cruelly, address their behavior on the spot!
7. Keep it short. End on a high note before digging into the material.

I'm very sorry if you've ever been traumatized during an icebreaker. I hope you can see that it's not the icebreaker doing the harm. Instead, it's the tragic combination of failed facilitation tossed into a toxic work environment.

The next time you facilitate an icebreaker, remember this story and follow the seven tips above. Done poorly, icebreaker games can irritate or even traumatize people.

Done well, icebreaker games help people get to know each other better, build trust, share stories, and foster collaboration and cooperation. And isn't that what organizations say they want?

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What's Laura up to now?

• At 11 a.m. today, I'll be doing a LinkedIn Live Event with hosts Beverley Glazer MA. CCC, ICCAC and Donald Cohen . Don is a fan and advocate for livestream events, and I love how livestreams showcase spontaneity. I'm hoping to learn more from him. If you're as curious as I am, be spontaneous! Show up, and feel free to ask me anything! Seriously! AMA!
• I came home from a dazzling assignment in a beautiful locale, only to perform a mountain of mundane tasks. I finished my taxes. I flipped my mattress. I went to the dentist for a routine checkup. I slogged my way through a disappointing book. I finished one deadline and am dragging my heels on another two. I see it this way: many social media posts are "best of" highlights. Consider this week "my B-roll" of mundane but necessary tasks that help build a worthwhile life. Without the B-roll, you don't ever get to the highlights!
• Amidst the mundane, I became overly excited by the warm weather. I got out dirt and pots to plant herbs. And then, we went back into another freeze cycle. So, my little herbs will all have to wait. OR WILL THEY? Because in the meantime, we released a new toy and I wrote New! Add a Dash of Fun with Uncle Goose Herb Chips! So I was able to get my herb on after all!