“I’m not ready to die”, my mother thought the first time she was diagnosed with cancer.
I’m not ready to die.
My mother thought the first time she was diagnosed with cancer.
Yes, the first time. She received that awful news four times.
First, when she was 48. Colon cancer. The doctors gave her 3 months to live.
Then stomach cancer 7 months later.
Then intestine cancer 15 months later.
And 6 years ago, she got the shock diagnoses of breast cancer.
Four times cancer. Four times chemo. And now again cancer-free.
When I think back to all the scans, and chemo, and pain, and fear, I come to one conclusion: My mother is made of steel.
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and I decided to do a piece on her journey.
Read about how she stays resilient, how she manages fear and survivors’ guilt. What people said that was not helpful, and what we can do to support those fighting cancer now.
What can you take from her story to stay resilient, manage uncertainty and fear?
Hey mom, what a journey!
Yes, I did my honours in cancer. :)
Tell us what you were thinking and feeling when you heard the diagnoses?
I wasn’t surprised the first time I was diagnosed. I was sick for almost 4 years. I lost 12 kilograms. I was yellow, weak and had low levels of iron. It’s strange but it was a relief, because then I understood why I was so sick.
I was ready to fight again when I was diagnosed with stomach cancer. It was a different story when I got the 3rd diagnosis. I was exhausted after all the months of chemo.
The breast cancer diagnosis was a shock. It was 12 years since I recovered from intestine cancer. I was so sure I’ve finished my road with cancer.
Tell us your experience going through chemo and recovery?
The chemo for the colon cancer was tough! In the first year, I received three types of chemo.
Once a week, I drove to the hospital. I stayed there for about 6 hours while they administered the chemo. As soon as the chemo went into my veins, I felt nauseous. My ears started to ring. I saw white spots and felt dizzy. I’ll never forget the overwhelming metal taste in my mouth.
I had chemo once a week for three weeks, and then week four I was off. On a chemo-holiday 😊
After I had my treatment, I’d get home, put on my pyjamas, sat on my recliner, and fought through the next two days. Because the two days after chemo were the worst for me. I was nauseous, dehydrated and couldn’t sleep.
After they discovered the tumour on my stomach, the oncologist put me on a chemo pill for 5 months. The biggest side effect was that my hands and feet felt like it was burnt. My fingertips and toes felt like I walked on a hot stove and the tops of my hands and feet felt like sunburn. It was very painful. So painful I couldn’t walk barefoot and struggled to pick things up like my handbag.
At least, I didn’t lose my hair. Lol.
On these bad days, how did you stay resilient? What kept you going?
I said to myself: ‘Stay positive Katryn. And remember you’re not the only person going through this. There are children fighting cancer and dealing with chemo.’ If small children can do this, then I can do it as well.
Also, small things: I ALWAYS got up in the morning, blow-dried my hair, did my make-up, and dressed (even if it was into a different set of glamorous PJs). I had to take a break between blow-drying and doing my make-up. Not enough energy.
But I was in a better mindset when I got up and got ready for the day.
When I was diagnosed, I saw the fear in my children’s eyes. I fought not only for me, but also for them. When you’re low and in pain, fight then for your family. You fight cancer not only for you, but also for your loved ones.
How did you manage the uncertainty (not knowing if you’ll recover, if the chemo will work)?
I was always sure I’ll be healed and that I’ll get through it.
The doctor gave me 3 months to live, and that day I wrote in my diary: ‘Today, I got my death sentence.’ I’ve a different view now. I respect my doctors, but it’s not for a person to tell me when I die. I believe in God and He set my path.
What do you wish people didn’t say to you? What was not helpful?
Some friends came to visit me, wearing their sombre faces and funeral clothes. Like they’re coming to say goodbye because it’s the last time they’ll see me.
Please don’t do that. Lol. I’m not going anywhere.
Or friends would ask me: How are you really? It’s the ‘really’ that got to me. My response was always: I really feel great.
Or people will share stories of their friends or family who died within a few weeks of being diagnosed. Don’t do that – it doesn’t help to hear about people passing away.
And don’t give advice if you’re not an oncologist. Don’t suggest get a 2nd or 3rd opinion – it only puts doubt in their minds.
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What encouragement would you give to those fighting cancer right now?
You’re stronger than you think you are. This is a battle but know that you’re stronger than you think you are.
Make sure you are not alone. Be around family and friends. Stay connected.
Find oncologists and doctors that you trust and feel comfortable with.
Eat healthy.
Breath and meditate. It grounds you.
I met patients who exercised too quickly. Trying to be too strong too quickly. Be gentle with yourself.
And take it one day at a time. If that’s too long, then go for the next 30 minutes.
And I believe God is ALWAYS there.
Do you still have fear? If so, how do you manage it?
Yes, I still have fear.
I keep a fear diary. When I have pain, my first thought is: ‘Is this cancer again?’
So, I write it down. The date, the time, and the level of pain out of 10. Then I try to go on with my day. In the evening, I write again: did it increase or decrease. This is how I keep my focus on staying positive and living life.
Do you experience survivors’ guilt?
Yes. I do.
This year, I lost a close friend to cancer. She was only 57. I spoke to her daughter last week and she said:
‘It’s only a few months since my mother died and it’s not better yet. I’m not mad at God, I just want to know why. She was only 57.’
And I ask myself why am I still here? I realised I still have work to do here, there’s a reason I’m still here.
What advice would you give to family and friends? What are the best ways they can support their loved ones? Because everyone’s journey is different and it’s not easy to know what people want.
Firstly, listen to them. Let them speak about what they are feeling, experiencing, fearing.
And sometimes you don’t have to say anything, just be there. It doesn’t have to be sombre – you can laugh and enjoy good food together, have fun together.
And now?
Yes, six years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m now healed.
God prepared me very well for the news. At the time I read the following in a book: ‘Take up your armour. You are at war.’
I read the verse in Hebrews 13: ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’
I thought I’m not going to get through this when the doctor said ‘Your first biopsy is clean, but your second biopsy has something.’
And then I said: No, I’ll make this.
My response to the doctor was: ‘So what now? What’s the treatment?’
You’re a volunteer at Reach for Recovery now, tell us more about that.
Reach for Recovery is an international organisation. Founded in 1953 in the US by Terese Lasser who herself was diagnosed with breast cancer.
She realised that there’s little support for breast cancer patients. And that it helps patients (women and men) to talk with someone who has been through a similar experience.
I say to the patients: ‘You’re on a journey. I know your journey, I’m still on mine.’
That gives them hope!
I once visited a patient, a 23-year-old model and afterwards she sent me a WhatsApp ‘Thank you Katryn, I haven’t laughed so much in a long time. And neither has my mother.’
This is something I’ll do for the rest of my life.
On my last visit to my oncologist, he said to me: ‘Katryn, look at how thick your file is. You’re a miracle, because normally the files are not so thick…’
I still have work to do here.
A note from my mom and I:
All our love and prayers to everyone who’s lost a parent, partner, child, sibling, loved one, friend to cancer. And our love and prayers to everyone who’s fighting cancer right now. Keep going!
Katryn and Jeanette xxx
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Corporate Counsel & Privacy Officer at Clinical Reference Laboratory
2yThank you so much for sharing this. As a person trying to support a close family member through... breast cancer, which metastasized to the liver, followed by a massive stroke resulting in partial left-side paralysis, followed by a second stroke resulting in blindness in one eye. ...I'm constantly trying to find the balance between being supportive, encouraging, realistic, joking (and we have some dark humor these days), to finding the 'right' words (because words have meaning and invoke emotion), sometimes being quiet to listen and sometimes being the push to keep fighting. Being cognizant about what we do, say, and behave (including schooling our faces and tone of voice) is so important. Thank you for sharing this, Jeanette. Thank you for discussing this, Katryn. When we are close to someone it is sometimes hard to gain perspective. Hearing from your personal experience helps us understand better what sometimes I lived ones don't share.
Chief Sales Officer Deutsche Post & DHL - believe in yourself, ... in your team, ... in DHL
2yWhat a strong and courageous woman and an inspiration to everybody who has severe health issues. Thank you so much for sharing the story and encouraging so many people!!!