Imagine living this world, but not as you

4 Trans people share their stories on the Transgender Day of Visibility

Imagine living this world, but not as you

said Mitch Yusof, a trans man and an old friend of mine. We went to school together. An all girls school, and back then, I had no idea of the pain he held inside.

Growing up I had a feeling of discomfort. It’s like wearing shoes that are one or two sizes too small for you, but you have no choice but to wear it. Throughout the day, you go, I’m not happy with this shoe, but you’re not quite aware. This is how I felt until I was 14. Imagine feeling this, but about your identity. 

Mischa Selamat, trans woman

The majority of the world do not feel this way, and it’s this majority who chose to debate the “transgender issue”. Non trans people, or CIS (the opposite of trans, i.e. people who are comfortable with the gender they are assigned at birth) are deciding who is a “woman” and who has access to women’s spaces, and whether conversion therapy should be banned, or not.

Bookcover of The Transgender Issue, An Argument for Justice, by Shon Faye, a transgender lawyer in the UK.

Have we asked trans people? Have we spoken to them? Heck, do we even know of any personally? Chances are, we do. But when they see us debate their existence, do you think, they feel safe telling us who they really are?

Nisa Dass, who lives in England, on coming out to friends:

You always have to take a deep breath. Took me quite a while. There’s always the fear. 

And on coming out to her old friend Nicholas from Malaysia:

Although I knew him quite well, I don’t know how his perception of me would change. He said, that’s great. I was a good egg anyway. It was such a relief. Although Malaysia was far away, I could always call up Nick and talk to him. I felt freer to talk him. I wasn’t going to be scared of suddenly telling him something.

Coming out as trans is always a big risk. Mitch, who runs a non profit in Malaysia to support the transgender community, shared with us a 2009 US report on Hate Violence:

• 50% of transgenders will be raped in their lifetime
• 54% are forced to present in the wrong gender to keep their job
• 55% transgenders lost their job due to expressing their gender identify
• 57% of transgender families chose not to speak or spend time with them.
• 65% transgenders attempted suicide, nearly 9x the suicide rate.

Imagine living this world, but not as you. You have to pretend because if you don’t you may be harassed, abused or raped. You have to hide who you are

Mitch Yusof, trans man

Two days ago on March 30th, British Conservative MP, James Wallis came out as trans. He had also been blackmailed £50,000 and threatened with exposure. He is the UK’s first openly trans MP (note, 1% of the population are trans, and there are 666 elected MPs). He was one of the 50% who was raped, and he wrote that since the rape:

I have not been myself since this incident and I don’t think I will ever recover. It is not something you ever forget, and it is not something you ever move on from. Since then things have really taken a tumble. I am not ok.When I crashed my car on the 28th November I fled the scene. I did so because I was terrified. I have PTSD and I honestly have no idea what I was doing except I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of fear. I am sorry that it appears I “ran away” but this isn’t how it happened in the moment.

We did that. By choosing to tease, harass, abuse, and debate trans identities - we are making society hostile to trans people.

Until we are completely accepting, trans people hide among us, unable to live lives as fully as their CIS friends.

I became more comfortable, my confidence was growing…venturing out, starting becoming more active. I went into theatre, I gave lectures.

Nisa, after her gender reassignment surgery

Yesterday, March 31st was Transgender Day of Visibility. As part of Speak Up’s weekly Clubhouse Chats, we invited 4 trans people - Mitch Yusuf, Mischa Selamat, Nisa Dass and Jane Kasim to share their own journeys of transition, acceptance by friends and family, and their working lives as transgender in Malaysia and England.

Please do listen. Their stories are poignant, beautiful and at times quite surprising. Jane had a lovely story of how her religious father, an Imam accepted her, even with some really good hints on how to get her workplace to allow her to use the Ladies.

Finally, we asked, how can we CIS allies support the trans community?

"Invite us for lunch or dinner. Have a conversation. Talk to us as humans, not as amusement."

                             Mischa Selamat

"Be our friend."

                                 Nisa Dass

"Speak out when you see injustice done, because your silence will not protect our future."

                               Mitch Yusof

Speak Up at Work is on Clubhouse every Thursday on a variety of topics about speaking up at work. We cover sexual harassment, workplace bullying, racism, microaggressions, misogyny, safety, gender bias, the environment. Our topics follow what is relevant in the news and society. Check back on the Events page from time to time to find out what we are covering and follow Speak Up At Work on Clubhouse. 

Learn more about The Speak Up Collective here - a passionate group of change-makers who are experts in their own fields, all around making workplaces safe, inclusive and healthy for all.