Integrity - The Real Word

I was never much into the word "integrity," because I tend to see a lot of people use it the same way they say things like "true." What they often mean is "my version of ___." If someone compliments you about integrity, it means that they feel that you match THEIR perspective of you.

But Dr. Stephen R. Covey in his book, the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (or more accurately, in an audio presentation of his book), talked about integrity being about one's personal integrated-ness. That you are what you say you are, and that you do what you believe in, etc. One of his points is that people confuse the word "integrity" with some kind of moralistic good, but a dictator acting like a dictator all the time is actually demonstrating integrity.

Integrity Is About Being ALL of You

I'm an introvert, but I'm an introvert that really loves people and seeks to be helpful to people at every turn. That's how I get on stages and give speeches to thousands of people at a time. I get out there because I love to serve, and my form of entertainment and information is useful to others. In that way, my choices and values are well integrated.

If you see the world as a greedy and cutthroat place, then you will likely build a world view that helps you realize this and observe it at every turn. People will always have it out for you. Nothing will come easy. Because you'll be integrated to the view that everyone is out to get you.

Integrity Doesn't Mean You Can't Change

This might be one of the worst dangers for any human: the sense that changing your perspective, your views, your beliefs is somehow wrong or bad or goes against your integrity. It's also what holds a lot of people back. Here's one way to look at it.

At work, we talk about failure as often being about having inadequate data. Of course, one can fail by not being able to complete an action in its intended form, but that's something else.

I think of integrity problems around our beliefs to stem from not knowing enough about our beliefs at the time they were formed. I'll give you a personal example.

Growing up, the word "gay" was synonymous with "not like us," "a less than quality attempt" (especially at something like an athletic activity), "anything effeminate like the color pink" (yes, I know it used to be a 'boy's color'), and on and on. All I knew growing up was that it was 'bad" to be gay.

So like every other boy I knew, I fiercely fought against anything that was "gay." I was homophobic without any real knowledge to what gay really meant.

We had this hairdresser in town, Peter. He had a pink mohawk. In Augusta, Maine, he might as well have had antennae. My mom got her hair cut by him. All I knew was that he was gay, wore leather jackets and even leather pants sometimes, and had an earring. I thought, "Oh, that must be what 'gay' is. You can wear leather jackets." So, naturally, I figured motorcycle riders must be gay, and probably were bad at football. (See where I'm going with all that? I had NO idea.)

My oldest child is gay. Also trans. Also now non-binary. You know what I learned about ALL of this stuff from the very personal level of being a parent? Gay is a way to state a romantic preference. All the other traits that define my kid are about their identity and don't impact me in any negative way.

I went to Billy Eichner's "Bros" on its opening weekend. It's the first mainstream gay romantic comedy. (I didn't much care for it, but not because it was all about 'gay stuff.')

My point being: I changed my beliefs from when I was a kid and part of who I am is that I think love is love and that people can and should be whatever gender or identity best defines them and that the folks who seem to have the most problem with that are the ones who want others to be just like them (which is weird, if you think about it).

Integrity Is An Opportunity

I tell the same jokes in private as I do on stage in front of thousands of people. I say words like "poopy face" to people who fly in private jets and children alike. I'm me, pretty much everywhere I go. (I'm a bit more reverent when the situation calls for it, but that's about it.)

Integrity is the opportunity to acknowledge and accept that the person you are most of the time is probably good for the world all of the time. Most companies have abolished dress codes, so dress in what you find comfortable, or what you want to portray, or whatever. Learn how to advocate for your interests and needs.

When you live and operate in integrity with what you believe, you spend a whole lot less energy translating yourself for other contexts. You may have heard of the term "code switching," about feeling like you have to act one way in some environments and another way in others. I acknowledge this. It's a real problem for certain groups. People of color run into this issue a lot. But how will we break through that? My best guess is by the act of more and more people bringing their whole selves to work.

Be Who You Are

I believe that most people in the world are inherently good. I also know that many people are afraid of change, and of feeling left behind, unimportant, and so on. I know that a lot of what makes so many people feel like they can finally express who they are makes some other people afraid for what it all means.

And yet, we are all going to live only one life. (Well, I'm Buddhist, so I'll see you a few more million times.) I know that we treat time as if we have an infinite supply, and we surely do not. Maybe you can find some ways to let who you really are out into the world, even in some capacity or another, and then integrating it with the rest of who you have to be in life.

What are you feeling?

Chris...