International Men's Day, the power of talking

It is International Men's Day and I barely noticed as it doesn't get as much attention as International Women's Day but doesn't mean the guys shouldn't do something to celebrate or avoid sharing. If this post has just one positive effect on someone than I'll be happy, likewise if you're a guy wanting to talk to someone about anything, don't be shy. We can chat.

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It is around this time of the year, is an anniversary of one of my best friends taking his own life. He was 29 years old and he never shared what was bothering him. I regretted not asking and making more time to hang out to give him that chance.

We know men have higher suicide rates and perhaps one reason for this is men, on average, are not good at asking for help and opening themselves up to others. It just seems that boys grow up being taught a lesson to not share emotions and don't cry.

I'll take this time to share 3 things that have helped me become a better man today and I had wished I discovered these things in my 20s, not my 40s.

They are

1. Psychotherapy
2. Journaling
3. Men's groups

Psychotherapy - the power of talking

In 2018 I decided to look into psychotherapy. I read a lot about it but I'll be honest, I wasn't 100% sure if I needed it and what I needed it for. I just read about how it helped people improve their life and snap out of bad habits.

I believe most people in this world are carrying around some type of trauma with them and it makes us the people we are today.

I found a psychotherapist named Michael Cottrell from Be Here Now in Toronto. The first session was more opening up and putting together a list of things I thought I wanted to talk about. I really had no idea what I was getting into and what I would get out of it. At one point I even questioned if this was worth the effort and if I was being too soft for attending any type of therapy.

So what was on my list of things I wanted to work through?

• Relationships, or rather the lack-there-of
• Family and identity
• To love myself

That isn't a light list of things but it was far heavier than I bargained for.

Family and identity

Let me zero in on a short story of family and identity and how it has affected me for most of my adult life.

In one of my sessions, without planning to discuss it, my therapist, as usual, asked me what I wanted to work on that day and I can't remember what it was. Somehow the questions ended up talking about my relationship with my parents. My father had a rough life being an adopted kid and that rough life meant I grew up with a rough life too. When you have an alcoholic father that leads to a divorce, it meant life at home just wasn't good.

As an early teen, I drifted apart from my father due to the separation. He died at an early age when I was just 18. I remember hearing the news of his passing and being at his funeral and not feeling any real pain. To this day, Father's Day just comes with no emotion. I want it to hurt but it doesn't.

In my psychotherapy session that day, the emotions I had bottled up for 20+ years of my life came out. It was very overwhelming experience. It was at this point that learned this bottling up of emotions was a defense mechanism to protect myself.

I grew up as a kid losing a family identity and as an adult I had no father around to celebrate anything like graduating university and doing the things he said he wanted me to do as an adult. To be successful and not fall in the footsteps of his path.

It was the first time I've ever wondered who my biological grandparents were as my dad was born as a Jessop. I'm a step closer towards knowing this and through AncestryDNA I discovered my cousin Richard Jessop . I now know where my engineering roots come from.

Journaling

In early 2019 I decided I should get into journaling. From my experience in psychotherapy, I felt it would be good for me to write anything on my mind and let those thoughts and feelings manifest into whatever they may be.

Being the engineer that I am, I decided to read about journaling and everything I can about it. I learned a lot of best practices but journals are whatever you make them.

Mine consist of the following sections:

• Goals
• Daily tasks
• Daily journal

I start off every year with a lot of goals in mind for the year and they are a reflection of personal goals and business. Psychotherapy set me up for making sure I spend time to focus on myself and not make everything about work.

The daily journal component is where I write whatever I feel like. If I'm happy, upset or reflecting, it will go in there.

I did psychotherapy for 2 years and although I haven't done in a while, I feel like journaling is an extension of this where I confront myself with things that maybe I wouldn't want to talk to someone about.

Journaling is the power of talking done through a pen.

Men's groups

I have been part of a men's group for a few years and discovered them by accident. My experience in psychotherapy gave me an insight in the power of talking. When I joined, the group happened to be doing everything via Zoom because of Covid. The group was also based in Ottawa so that meant attending in person wasn't as ideal.

With that said, there is a very different dynamic between talking with a psychotherapist and a group of men of which are total strangers the first time you meet them. A men's group usually don't have any type of therapist but what you'll get are people that will listen.

So what do guys talk about in a Men's group?

Anything you want but it can range from relationships, relationship problems, family, work, life, sexuality, to identity and all the wins and losses too.

When I look at some of the failures I've had in my life from relationships to business, it isn't easy talking about them to anybody. I did that for the first time where today were are nearly conditioned to share only the positive side of life on social media.

From that first session of sharing my life story with a group of strangers, it was very nerve-wracking and I felt very empowered from it.

I've seen first-hand a lot of other men join the groups that I've been in and start off feeling lost. However as time goes on, they work on their problems as they voluntarily walk into a place where they are not meant to be hidden but simply just giving a guy a chance to talk.

Success and identity

Today, I feel like I've got more of an identity than I've had before. Although I may not have hit the level of success in life that I'm looking for yet, I believe that wouldn't have been possible without the past 5 years of work I've put into myself.

Along this journey I've discovered a higher purpose and a more determined mindset for what I want out of life.

I'm much better at owning up to past failures and the mistakes I make.

I'm better able to talk about these parts of my life with anybody because I've done it before and I don't have as much of a fear to share.

So if any of this has resonated with you then here is what you can do:

1. See a psychotherapist, you can find them everywhere
2. Buy a blank book for journaling, write whenever you want
3. Find a Men's group, you can find them everywhere and online too

For all the help I've received over the years from friends and family, Mahalo.