“It’s better to be liked than respected” - The People Pleaser

In this newsletter series, I’ve introduced you to WIMPs. In this edition, we’ll do a deep dive into the fourth WIMP, the People-Pleaser. 

Never heard of WIMPs? Check out our last newsletter edition, ‘The Achiever’ to get familiar with what I’m talking about.

The People-Pleaser

The people-pleaser conforms, avoids conflict at all costs, manages other people’s emotions, and focuses on everyone else’s needs to uphold harmony. 

Driven by a fear of not being liked or included, upsetting others, or making situations worse, they are scared to rock the boat, and tend to “go along to get along.” They often say “yes” when they want to say ”no,” and find it challenging to establish clear boundaries. They prefer absorbing underlying tensions and stress over facing the escalation of direct conflict. 

They’re usually labeled as peacekeepers, servant leaders, or doormats as their priority is being liked rather than respected.

Core strength: 

🔷 The People-Pleaser creates harmony in a team fraught with conflict, naturally empathizes, and reduces friction to accomplish work.

Core fear: 

🔷 Showing their true self or inserting their own needs will lead to rejection and abandonment. 

Core drivers: 

🔷 Acceptance from others.

🔷 The need to be liked.

Catchphrases:

🔷 Leaders eat last.

🔷 It’s better to be liked than respected.

🔷 When I know people like me, I feel safe.

🔷 Servant leadership requires self-sacrifice.

🔷 If I’m not liked by everyone, my job may be at risk.

🔷 If I upset someone, I assume they no longer like me.

🔷 I’m not meek, I just like harmony and try to avoid conflict.

While we have some outdated ideas on hard-nosed, large-and-in-charge executive leaders, more recently, there’s been a movement toward “people first” leadership. 

The “people first” approach prioritizes the unique needs, strengths, and goals of employees. It’s not only the right thing to do but it’s also necessary to successfully compete in the war for employable talent. Employees have easy access to LinkedIn and Glassdoor for better transparency on company culture, benefits, and opportunities for promotion within their industry. 

Companies must attract top-level talent by focusing on both retention and customized growth opportunities. However, we’re now at risk of overcorrecting. 

Leadership problems can arise from being a drill sergeant but on the other hand, problems can also occur from being a complacent people-pleaser. We don’t need arrogant and cocky leaders and we don’t benefit from leaders who deny their limitations and care for everyone else at the expense of their own health and sanity. The servant leader who says yes to all requests will eventually burn out. 

Have you ever noticed that when you’re extra efficient and respond rapidly to emails, it never results in more time or space, but simply more emails? 

There are limitless tasks, piles of work, and urgent requests immediately flooding into any space you create. You have to set boundaries or you’ll eventually be buried under the avalanche of work. A leader who embraces their humanity with self-compassion shows up with their armor off. 

A self-compassionate leader has a deep understanding of their strengths, gifts, and talents, and a keen awareness of their flaws. When they accept their humanity, they don’t feel the need to hide any part of their whole selves, even if that means not being liked by everyone. They don’t bury their excellence under false humility or conceal their limitations with fake bravado. 

They allow themselves to be fully human, permitting everyone around them to do the same. 

Self-compassion also protects recovering people-pleasers from burnout and compassion fatigue. According to a 2020 study of healthcare professionals by Zeena Hashem and Pia Zeinoun, leadership positions in helping professions (such as therapists, medical personnel, and social workers) are often expected to serve others while forgetting themselves almost entirely. The study found that participants who showed self-compassion were less likely to experience burnout. 

Self-compassion can be the antidote to compassion fatigue because it requires us to put on our own oxygen mask first.

Would you like to meet the rest of your WIMPs?

Stay tuned for deep dives like this in the monthly editions to follow. 

WIMPs are a concept from my forthcoming book: Human First, Leader Second. The book is now available for preorder here.