It’s Called “Momwashing”

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As a society, we love moms.

Don’t believe me? Just keep an eye out for all the ads coming out this week in the run-up to Mother's Day. 

I personally am a sucker for commercials about moms supporting their adorable tots — fueling them with the right snacks or juice, or outfitting them with sports uniforms that are appropriately bright and fresh-smelling, or getting them and their equally perky friends to all those after-school practices in the right minivan — resulting in the cutie pie making the winning free throws with their proud mom looking on.

We love moms. Except we just don’t seem to love moms in the workforce as much as we love them when they’re “momming.” Perhaps we should call this phenomenon “momwashing”: claims and depictions of motherhood that have us believe that all moms are fully valued in society when, in reality, they’re simply not.

Not just because of where and how that work-outside-of-the-home mom shows up in media — rarely and frazzled-ly. But also because of how expensive we make it for her to be a “working mom.” Let us count the ways:

One: When men become dads, they benefit from a Daddy Bonus; when women become moms, they “pay” the Mommy Tax. We can make guesses as to why the gender pay gap opens up right as people start their families — maybe he now just seems more responsible and reliable, and maybe she now seems less committed. Because, you know, she has a baby at home. Maybe it’s because she carries more of the child care responsibilities at home. (Patriarchy, am I right?) But it happens. And it costs her (much more than dollars, but also an average of $237,000 in lifetime earnings lost due to caregiving).  

Two: You are likely aware that the US doesn’t have a mandated, paid parental leave. So taking time off to care for babies (let alone taking time off to care for ourselves) is an additional, significant expense for families. And should Mom decide to take more than a few months out of the workforce, then it really adds up. In fact, one of the first articles we wrote when we launched Ellevest was about the “true cost of a career break”: That it’s not just lost wages that sting, but the break in contributions to retirement plans … and the resulting potential loss of compounding returns … and the significant pay cuts she’s hit with when (if) she returns to the workforce … all of which affect her for the rest of her career. 

Three: Filed under “It was great for moms while it lasted”: the flexibility of WFH. No commute, which meant more time with the kids and/or more time doing the actual job and/or sneaking in time to rest and recharge. Less time on “office housework,” which disproportionately falls to women; and for some, less time on office politics. But headlines certainly make it seem like bosses overwhelmingly want employees back in the office, where it's easier to manage them, to build culture, to teach younger employees. All fair points, but working moms simply don’t agree. Lots of research backs them up. 

I could go on. 

About how (four) it’s more expensive to be a mom because moms are expected to spend — and do spend — more on their kids than dads do. 

And about how (five) affordable child care can be difficult to find, compounding the cost. 

And how (six though I’ve lost count) society simply hasn’t caught up yet to the reality of working moms’ lives and how to navigate that the only available orthodontist appointment for your kid, or vet appointment for your pup, is during your boss’ Tuesday-at-3 PM staff meeting. (Oh, that doesn't work for you? How about three Tuesdays from now? At 3 PM.)

Yes, (some) things are changing. When I had my daughter, there was no maternity leave policy in my department, because “they had never needed one.” I got a crisp two weeks before my boss called me with some feedback on my research, indicating that my maternity leave was over.

But things aren’t changing quickly enough, particularly when there's research that shows that paid parental leave adds to businesses’ bottom lines. And when further research shows that gender diversity in the workplace drives superior results. And, of course, when women leaving the workforce means less economic growth (to the tune of losing $650+ billion each year). 

What can we do about this? Reshma Saujani’s work with Moms First springs to mind, a movement fighting to get moms child care, paid leave, and equal pay so they can thrive. One word stands out to me in that mission statement: fighting. 

It’s true: We shouldn’t have to, but we do. We have to fight so that moms are not treated as our country’s social safety net. We have to fight for moms to have the opportunity for equal economic freedom on top of other freedoms. 

Want to show moms you love them this Mother’s Day? A card and flowers doesn’t cut it anymore. Fight to support them — when they’re “momming,” when they’re at work, when they’re doing whatever they damn well want.

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