It's okay, you can say no.

Between some harsh and bar conversations, somehow I always ended up listening to the well-known “The thing is… I just can’t say no” but in fact, I had never stopped to really look at these words and their meaning, until Life Coaching became my job and mission, and as a consequence I’ve started to listen to this words and feelings so much more, I say feelings because they're the key, right? They're the reason and foundation of everything we say, think and decide, that’s exactly what makes it so impossible for most people to say “no”.. So in the search to understand this whole question I turned the entire thing back and surveyed some friends and coachees “How do you feel when someone says NO to YOU? When something you really want and need is denied to you?” Well, get yourself ready for a shock, because the majority (like 99.4%) answer I obtained was “Misunderstood, sad, angry, extremely disappointed, not recognized, lonely, broken…" From this point it made a lot of sense to me that none of them can say no, after-all (generalizing to the good side) nobody wants to make someone feel awful like that, right?

Well with all that said, I was struggling to write about it for weeks, talking about it with friends, with myself and with my thoughts when I saw (almost like a universe vibe telling me to really write it) this text on Tony Robins page: But the truth is, when you say “no,” you’re not saying “I hate you,” and you’re not insulting someone, you’re simply exercising your right to say “no.” Because it is a right, not a privilege (...) Our inability to say “no” just to reassure and make someone else feel comfortable is not only unfair to ourselves, but it can be unfair to the other person as well. Disregarding our own feelings and needs seems like the unselfish thing to do. After all, we are taught to give, not take. But, just because it’s easier to say “yes” doesn’t mean we should. What if “no” would result in a better outcome for both parties? Saying “no” doesn’t have to mean you’re being self-serving.

As you might be thinking right now, certainly there’s a lot of deep and trauma makers “no’s” (psychology guys moment) out there, but from now let’s please take away the villain cape from NO! Heal the anger from the person who said no, from the company which rejected you and from life that is full of no’s. Be prepared for the no that is coming and always will come! We really need to stop thinking that yesterday’s and today’s "no" are just the same, stop bringing bad and old feelings from one onto another. Let’s think about our and others right to say no, about people's values, expertise, and background that can be so different from ours when making a decision and most important of all let’s see that people's feelings and visions are something we can’t and shouldn’t try to control. And what about taking a moment to recognize all "no’s" that came from love or pain? Remember, an honest no will always be better than a yes with no truth. Let’s hear other’s "no" with conscience and rationality, so we can finally feel free to say ours in the same right. So, think and reflect about it, and then, if you need it, look for a Life Coach to help you with this questions. If you feel that this is an issue for you, try to understand yourself better, your values and about other people's individuality. Learn how to deal differently with this small word. NO doesn’t have to be a villain or a sign of hate and most of the time it is quite necessary.

I haven't been speaking English for a long time, but I couldn't let you folks who are connected with me on Linkedin and don't speak portuguese so far away from my thoughts, work and posts, so enjoy the reading and please forgive me for any grammar mistake. Cheers.

2017.08.31 Marina Mazzetto - Certified Life Coaching