It's not Personal...Though it damn well feels like it!

Recently I had dinner with a new and promising community manager. In speaking with her about the challenges a new manager faces… Wow – it was like hopping in the Tardis and being transported to my first year in the business (back when we were Crazy for Swayze and we would never Dream It Was Over). 35 years melted away as I was struck by the fact that the business may be faster, but the basics haven’t changed much.

For the new manager, there’s shock-and-awe at the sheer volume of work and the challenge of organizing yourself so as little as possible gets lost in the shuffle of emails, phone calls, meetings and deadlines. That’s bad enough, but it’s the job. However, just like way back when I was new, the most shocking thing new managers have to adjust to is that precious thing residents (and sometimes Board members) do when they want what they want and they want it now: The personal attack on the manager.

Processing personal attacks, analyzing the underlying reasons thereof and being able to let those attacks (rapidly) roll off your back, so to speak, is probably the critical skill-set for a community manager – more important to longevity in the industry than almost anything else. To survive and thrive in this business, all new managers must develop a detached, “professional” mindset so precious time and emotional energy isn’t wasted on, well, bullshit. Let’s talk about how to process and analyze those personal attacks while still doing the job. I’ll use three very common scenarios:

Personal Attack 1: Inserting “the manager” in every complaint or comment.

Whatever the complaint is, there’s always a mention of “the manager.” Instead of “There’s a crack in the sidewalk behind Building 12,” it’s “The manager should have noticed the crack in the sidewalk behind Building 12 next to the bushes that are growing over the concrete…” Instead of “Why was the patio extension approved at 456 Happy Lane?” it’s “How could the Board and manager approve such a thing?” Yes, folks, when your name or “the manager” is inserted in to every complaint, they're trying to intimidate you by creating a record of ongoing complaints purporting you aren’t doing your job.

The why: The reason residents attack the manager is usually 1) They aren’t comfortable attacking the Board (their neighbors and peers), and you are the expendable employee; or 2) The Board members, being peers, can tell the resident to buzz off, one way or the other (and the manager can’t); or 3) Putting personal pressure on the manager might get them what they want (see # 2).

Action pro-tip: These attacks are not truly personal against you; they are designed to achieve the goal of the resident; e.g., a tactic. The complainant makes the issue personal against you so they can get what they want now and in the future (or, otherwise I’ll complain about you all the time!). If you let this take hold of you, personally, you’ll be subject to this form of emotional blackmail for as long as you are in the business. Stay emotionally detached and don’t rise to the bait. Handle the problem just as if the complaint came in without the personal references to you. Thank them for their input and take what action is needed.

Attack 2: You should’ve seen it on your walk-through!

“What if every homeowner painted their front door the right color, but the wrong finish? Why, we’d have doors on one side that are eggshell, on the other side are semi-gloss, and down the street - satin! It will destroy our home values! Didn’t the manager notice the eggshell finish when it should have been satin on her monthly walk-through?!”

The why: This approach makes the complainant feel superior (see what I found that you didn’t?) and important and of course, they want what they want now. Adding the “walk-through” dimension is just another tactic. The resident believes that by pointing out your (the manager’s) failure to see absolutely everything in the community during a walk-through, they are trying to leverage your (obvious!) incompetence and personal negligence so you immediately look in to the situation they found and you didn’t. Indeed, you may need to deal with the issue (time appropriate); however, never fall in to the trap of thinking you must see every uncut blade of grass, leaf in the pool or cigarette butt in the bushes while on a walk-through because it’s impossible. The lesson is: Never take the “walk-through negligence” arguments personally.

Action pro-tip: Knowing the motivations of the complainant, i.e., wanting to feel superior and important… (Look at me!) allows you to disregard the personal aspect of the attack. Again, handle the issue just as you would anyway – review the item next time on your walk-through and take the appropriate course of action in the appropriate time frame.

Attack 2: You should’ve seen it on your walk-through!

“What if every homeowner painted their front door the right color, but the wrong finish? Why, we’d have doors on one side that are eggshell, on the other side are semi-gloss, and down the street - satin! It will destroy our home values! Didn’t the manager notice the eggshell finish when it should have been satin on her monthly walk-through?!”

The why: This approach makes the complainant feel superior (see what I found that you didn’t?) and important and of course, they want what they want now. Adding the “walk-through” dimension is just another tactic. The resident believes that by pointing out your (the manager’s) failure to see absolutely everything in the community during a walk-through, they are trying to leverage your (obvious!) incompetence and personal negligence so you immediately look in to the situation they found and you didn’t. Indeed, you may need to deal with the issue (time appropriate); however, never fall in to the trap of thinking you must see every uncut blade of grass, leaf in the pool or cigarette butt in the bushes while on a walk-through because it’s impossible. The lesson is: Never take the “walk-through negligence” arguments personally.

Action pro-tip: Knowing the motivations of the complainant, i.e., wanting to feel superior and important… (Look at me!) allows you to disregard the personal aspect of the attack. Again, handle the issue just as you would anyway – review the item next time on your walk-through and take the appropriate course of action in the appropriate time frame.

Attack 3: Lengthy commentary and opinion masquerading as “deep concern”

Long discourses that are train-of-thought commentary and opinion, often hundreds of words long, about sprinkled with rhetorical questions directed at you: “Do you think this is this acceptable in our community?” or “How do you not see this is a change some won’t like?” or “What are you and the Board doing?”

The why: Continual attention over long periods of time for community notoriety and power. When you receive one of these types of communications, your blood wants to boil (and the writer knows it - it's part of the tactic). The condescending tone, superior attitude and slimy feel compels you to anger. By directing the rhetorical questions at you, the writer is compelling you to give them the attention they think they deserve as well as take personal responsibility for answering each question. Get that part? Personal responsibility, like something here is your fault. It’s not.

These crafty types of communication (Note! often blind-copied to several others in the community (!!)) are designed to trap you in to saying something that can and will be used against you and/or the Board at a later date. By answering these missives in detail, you are handing the complainant 1) more ammunition to be used against you and the Board; 2) far too much time and attention you can’t spare; and 3) space to live in your head, rent-free, as you stew about what they said and implied.

Action pro-tip: Acknowledge receipt of their comments to them, and then add their communication to your Management Report or maybe New Business on the next agenda. “Your communication dated June 12 has been received, thank you. It will be presented to the Board for their review at the next meeting, currently scheduled for July 29.” By doing this, you are removing yourself from the “it’s personal” trap and the resident can’t complain about it – after all, you’re sending it on to the higher authority. Once the Board has reviewed the document they can determine how to answer it, if at all. Lastly, even if the Board has no answer - close the loop with that resident: ‘’The Board has reviewed your communication dated June 12. They thank you for your input, and will take it under advisement.” Less is more.

The Wrap

Anyone in a customer service job must deal with personal attacks (think airline gate agents); but what sets our business apart is that we’re not “one and done” with the client. The attacks come, and we must still deal with that person over months and years. The best way to arm yourself against the anguish and emotional toll personal attacks can take on you is to recognize the attacks are simply a tactic, so the residents can get what they want when they want it. They may want attention, to feel superior or watch you (and/or the Board) jump through hoops for them. Recognizing these facts of human nature and of the business will help you develop professional detachment and de-personalize the attacks, allowing you to move on with your workday with your emotions, and sanity, intact.

Remember: It feels personal, but it’s only personal only if you allow it to be. That’s exactly the advice I gave to that new manager at dinner. That advice, and a few glasses of wine, gave her a perspective that I think will help carry her through the remainder of her first year in the business. As I say – it’s not a job, community management is a lifestyle! Buckle up, baby!

c. Julie Adamen Adamen Inc. all rights reserved

Want to reprint this? Email me at julie@adamen-inc.com

DO YOU HAVE BOARD MEMBERS THAT COULD USE SOME HELP? HAVE THEM TAKE CAM 101 for BOARDS!