It’s time to forgive those who hurt you

Today, I want to talk to you about the value of Forgiveness. Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Forgiveness is a learned skill that can be developed, and its benefits are worth the effort. There is a dark truth about unforgiveness that many people don’t know: it is progressive. While unforgiveness keeps you anchored to the past, it never stays in one place; it grows over time.

While unforgiveness keeps you anchored to the past, it never stays in one place; it grows over time.

Consider my friend Doug. He experienced the emotional pain of rejection as a child. He grew up in a large family, so as the youngest, he always felt out of place. There were so many priorities that came before his perceived needs. He was a bright child, with many talents, including art and music. As he grew, he demonstrated great leadership potential in high school through music, theater and student government. On the surface, he was kind and always had a smile on his face, but inside, he carried deep emotional hurt and unforgiveness from childhood. 

As Doug entered college, still carrying his hidden hurt, he was always looking for someone to validate him. Insecurities began to surface in his most important relationships. He dropped out of college and married his high school sweetheart, thinking that she would somehow make things right. He thought his wife could take away the pain inside, but of course, that never happened. 

Always feeling like a second-class citizen who had to continually prove himself, Doug began numerous projects and took on new responsibilities, hoping that something would “click” and take away the hidden pain. Eventually, his unforgiveness robbed him of numerous job opportunities, destroyed his marriage and set him on a course of broken relationships. The worst tragedy is that those who hurt him were unaware of the hurt they inflicted. Doug suffered in silence, allowing unforgiveness to rob him of the life that could have been.           

Eventually, his unforgiveness robbed him of numerous job opportunities, destroyed his marriage and set him on a course of broken relationships.

Many of us are like Doug. We have been hurt by the actions of others. Maybe it was criticism, betrayal, or denial of your rights. Almost always, these hurtful situations come at the hand of someone close to you. Let's face it, if someone you don’t know calls you a name, it may hurt, but you will quickly dismiss it. Their opinion doesn’t really matter. But, if a close friend, family member, colleague or boss are the perpetrators, their actions are personal. When the hurt comes, it's tempting to hold on to our feelings of anger or pain as a means of marking the occasion. We may even want to punish others for the pain inflicted on us, so we decide we cannot forgive them. These emotions start out small, but over time, they grow to become life-altering. If we allow negative emotions to take control, we become consumed by a sense of injustice. All of which come about because we choose to hold on to the hurt, rather than forgive and move on.   

Professor Lewis B. Smedes said, “To forgive is to set a person free and discover that the prisoner was you.” The consequences of unforgiveness seldom hurt the ones who hurt us, but the price we pay is always greater than we can afford. While unforgiveness is a choice that enslaves you, forgiveness is choice that frees you. People who forgive are free from the past, because they refuse to hold a grudge or become bitter. They understand that forgiveness is a decision of character, not an emotional reaction to circumstance. People who learn forgiveness let go of painful memories before they do emotional damage. Forgiving people consciously focuses on the future, rather than living in the past.  Forgiveness is a liberating experience.  

While unforgiveness is a choice that enslaves you, forgiveness is choice that frees you.

Learning to forgive ourselves is just as important as forgiving others, because all unforgiveness keeps us anchored to the past. Forgiving people are quick to ask forgiveness for their own mistakes and accept responsibility for their actions. As a result, they have a better understanding of themselves and deeper insight into the actions of others, which allows them to extend grace to all. Reality TV Host, Yolanda Hadid, said, “I believe forgiveness is the best form of love in any relationship. It takes a strong person to say they're sorry and an even stronger person to forgive.” I would add, especially when the person who needs forgiveness is you.

Since forgiveness is a learned skill, there are simple steps you can take to develop the value of forgiveness:           

1.    SET ASIDE PRIDE - Thinking that you are better than the one who wronged you, or that their actions are unforgivable, will keep you from the freedom that comes from forgiveness. Set aside your pride and move forward with humility and grace. 

2.    CHANGE YOUR POINT OF VIEW – Sometimes it helps to solve a problem by changing how you look at it. Try to understand the situation from another perspective. Consider the viewpoint of others, especially the one who hurt you. 

3.    ASK FORGIVENESS - Even if you were not the one who committed the wrongful act, it is just as harmful to hold onto unforgiveness, so ask them to forgive you. Even if it doesn't open the door to an apology, it will free you to move on.

4.    CHOOSE TO FORGIVE - Holding on to unforgiveness doesn’t hurt anyone but you. Many times, the person you are upset with isn’t even aware that you are still dealing with something they did. For your own good, forgive and let it go.

5.    BE PERSISTENT – Be prepared to forgive the same offense multiple times. Since forgiveness is a choice, depending on the severity of the offense, you may need to make that decision many times before you feel relief.

6.    GET HELP – If you find it difficult to let it go, get some help. There is no shame in talking to someone else. We all need help sorting out difficult emotions. Whether it is a colleague, friend, pastor or professional counselor, seek the help of someone qualified to help you navigate the emotions of your past and discover the path to emotional health.   

Author and Activist, Marianne Williamson said, “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” Such was my experience when I had to forgive a past employer.       

Many years ago, I accepted a regional sales position that allowed me to work from home, but required up to 70% travel. After one year in the position, I was promoted and relocated across the country to the main headquarters. Once there, I gained a completely different view of the company I thought I knew. The leadership was in chaos, with lots of infighting, and the company was bleeding cash; something no one outside the office knew.  

A few months into my new position, I was asked to serve on a committee charged with the task reducing payroll by 30%, which meant many jobs would be lost. Over the course of several days, we interviewed every single employee and determined who stayed and who left. We also revamped our customer journey process, reducing sales cost by nearly 50%, while growing the organization nearly 60% over the next three years.

Over the course of several days, we interviewed every single employee and determined who stayed and who left.

Even though I had contributed to this success, my supervisor had declined to give me a raise during that three-year period. I wasn’t asking for a lot, but to receive no increase for three consecutive years became discouraging, especially since our improvements had substantially increased the incomes of the people in the same job I had before being promoted. Of course, I was angry and discouraged, but decided to keep quiet and start looking for a new job. 

Since this was many years ago, we didn’t have online applications or email resumes. You typed up your resume, cover letter and envelope, placed a stamp on it, and sent it by snail mail.  Since I was desperate to move on, I sent out 400 resumes. Even though I had a good resume, not much materialized. The opportunities that did come, had potential conflicts with my existing non-competition agreement. The more time that past, the more miserable I became. 

My company knew I was looking for a new position and had threatened to sue me if I violated my non-compete. They watched my every move, questioning every action. Before long, I began to hate the people I worked for. The bitterness was starting to take its toll on me.     

The bitterness was starting to take its toll on me.

Finally, in frustration, I confided in the recruiter I was working with, telling her I was tired of them questioning everything I did. I didn’t want to hurt the company, I simply wanted to move on with my life. She boldly said, “Randy, people who spend their lives looking behind the bushes expect that everyone else does too. The key is to not become one of them. You must forgive them, let it go and move on with your life.” 

You must forgive them, let it go and move on with your life.

She really woke me up. I knew I was frustrated, but didn’t realize I had become bitter. Unforgiveness had anchored me to the decisions and choices of others, instead of taking responsibility for my own life. The bitterness caused me to make mistakes too, so I was not without guilt. However, when I made the choice to forgive them, I was able to move on.

With my new attitude, I now thought more clearly, spoke with greater clarity and interviewed better. Within two weeks, I received an interview request from the company that eventually moved me to Dallas, where I built a new life. Forgiveness opened the door to a new opportunity, which in turn, led me into training and coaching. Since then, I have worked with many great people, helping them realize their own dreams.             

There are great benefits that come when we have the courage to forgive:

1. You will increase your peace of mind.
2. You will let go of pain and anger.
3. You will improve relationships.
4. You will be more accepting of others.
5. You will stop living in the past, start living in the present, and planning the future.
6. You will take a major step in your personal development journey.
7. You will improve your health by reducing stress and anger.   

Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” If you are dealing with unforgiveness, realize that emotional wounds imprison you to the past. Reliving the hurt only robs you of the energy needed to move forward toward a healthy future. Forgiveness doesn’t make what they did right, it just makes you right. Don’t rob yourself of a great future because you can’t see around the past. It’s time to forgive those who have hurt you. It’s time to move on.

Randy Stroman utilizes a values-based coaching process that helps companies, individuals, and even couples, transform their current results into “ah-ha” moments of discovery, beauty and productivity. Randy helps people embrace positive change by embracing their own core values. You can contact Randy at: www.RandyStroman.com