It's Not You. It's Me.

Whenever I hear the saying "It's not you. It's me," I ALWAYS think of George Costanza on Seinfeld, who claimed to have invented the routine as a standard out in any relationship, and who got very upset when a woman used it on him to break up. After a funny back and forth, the woman relented.

"Okay, George. It is you!"

"Your damn right it's me!" George replied with great satisfaction. "Nobody does it better than me!"

It's a very funny bit. And for me it hits close to home.

For years I was convinced that I'd never be happy in a relationship -- or a job, a house, or anything for that matter. I went through relationships like water, always falling back on the "it's not you" defense and begging off. And though at the time it seemed like a convenient out, the irony was that it was the truth. It WAS me. I was unable to commit fully, to be vulnerable, to make a bond with someone that would go beyond the surface. Once the fun faded, so did I.

And it wasn't just relationships. It was every job I ever had, every company I ever started, every situation I ever found myself in. I was externalizing everything. It was always the fault of others that I wasn't feeling good, wasn't thriving. I traded in and traded up as often as I could, trying to find that perfect situation that would make me happy and fulfilled.

And then one day I had an epiphany.

I heard a podcast of Ryan Holiday talking about the great Stoic Epictetus, and I realized that I'd been missing what was right in front of me.

Epictetus had written:

“For it is within you -- and nowhere else -- that both your destruction and deliverance lie.”

Epictetus' life was marked by tragedy, and he understood that his happiness could come only from within himself. "God has entrusted me with myself," he wrote. "He is a wise man who does not grieve for things he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." And what do you have? You have your character, your mind, your soul, and your body. Nothing external to you -- not money, people, sex, love, or children -- can you control, and none of those things can be responsible for your happiness. You have the sole power to decide if and when you are happy. You have the ability to live a life with the values and virtues that bring joy to you and those around you. No one else can give that to you.

So, in a very real sense, George was right, but not in the way he intended.

It was him.

And it is YOU.

"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will."

You are the source of your happiness. Embrace it!

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Ken Davenport is author most recently of The Stoic Transition: A Guide.