“Kapda” – Weaving a quilt of comfort /blanket of hugs(Part 6 of 13)

COVIDIARIES

“Roti, Kapda aur Makaan”* through my wandering and working

(* Popular phrase in Hindi that refers to Roti (food), Kapda (clothing)& Makan (shelter)

I love hugs. I am one of those mothers who never believed in having a separate room for our baby. I carried him inside my body and suffered my first pangs of separation when he was taken away from me; I stayed home for a month and held him as much as I could, reluctantly putting him to bed when he slept. I would watch him as he slept and occasionally put my finger under his nostrils to ensure that he was breathing. When I went back to work, I took him to the day care and was heartbroken when he wrapped himself around my ankles and refused to let me go. I was torn between going to work and being away from him even for a few hours each day. I sat in the parking lot and cried each day for a week. Finally I made up my mind and decided to take him back home. When I reentered his room after a few minutes of his inconsolable cries, I saw him playing happily with other kids. The teacher told me not to worry because all the kids forget their mothers literally in 5 minutes and here I was howling in the parking lot each day, thinking that he was crying too. By second week, he was looking forward to going to school and meeting his playmate. That episode taught me something that continues to guide me today as well. He was genuinely going through pangs of separation when he was crying and then, he learnt to distract himself and decided to have fun. He was safe in knowing that I would be back in the evening to pick him up. His initial grief and fear was seeing a loved one leave him for the first time and once he realized that it was only for a few hours, he not only accepted it, rather began to enjoy his “own” time with his friends.

As my son grew up, I had to learn to hold back my ways of expression, especially my hugs, at least in public places. Also, it’s kind of difficult to hug someone who is 6 ft tall as though he is a baby. Our interactions went from walking while carrying him to holding hands to walking side by side; from hugging before he got into his school bus each day to just a nod to acknowledge his departure.

When he decided to pursue his interest and left for a boarding school, I went through separation anxiety. I was fearful and worried that the physical distance would create an emotional gap between us. I went to drop him off at his boarding school and stayed for two months in the same country and a week in the same town where he was going to school. Once I saw his friends, teachers, sports coaches, I knew that he was onto a new journey. We even learnt how to have major arguments and resolve them on phone or video without the comfort of a tight hug. Our physical distance aches me and I learnt to deal with it by staying busy. He stays in his boarding school in the UK while I split time between India, US and the UK.

I am getting in touch with friends and family, staying with them and getting to know them with a much deeper connection. Since he went to school, I have been a digital nomad with my only anchor being the days I spend with him. Between my husband and I, we take turns staying in the UK , close enough if need be and far enough to let him have his life. And knowing that all of us are a family, whether we are physically together or not.

At INK, as we evolve from the first decade to the second decade, there are changes, with members who I consider family, leaving and new members joining. The friendships continue to flourish even after they leave. Meghna, Swetha and Swati remain friends and spend birthdays together; Nikhil started the fabulous Fellows program and carries that spirit of support wherever they go, Ram and Shalini keep in touch with their latest entrepreneurial adventures, Shashwat and Geetanjali joined our INK Fellow Manvendra’s project, Vaibhav joined the journey of INK Fellow Veera, Nirupa left as a Fellows coordinator and joined the tribe as an INK Fellow and the stories go on. While losing a member of the professional team is tough, I realise that it is part of the progress. Rather than treating it as a loss, I think of them as ambassadors taking the spirit of INK wherever they go. As companies evolve, they need a different energy, different teams and similarly, people too need different environments as they mature. And those who stay also have to learn new skills. Nandini, who is queen of community and events is now taking on fund raising, Uresh, who ran high tech mega development teams is learning how to manage a small, creative team, Shraddha and Ananda are learning how to co-own programs and the list goes on.

For the success of the company, it requires the collective comfort and creativity that the team brings, whether they are alumni or currently involved. I always believe that we should have warm memories of time spent together and support one another. While interviewing a candidate, it’s always a red signal for me if they talk badly about their past employer. I loved every place I worked, including my first company where I got laid off with no prior notice because they declared bankruptcy. What I from the job that laid me off provided the foundation for the role I got at Intel where I had the most amazing opportunities to grow.

Parenting and being an entrepreneur are very similar. In both cases, there is no standard manual, no idea if what you are doing is right. You just hope that your kids / team members grow up to become great members of the community and think of you fondly. I told my son that someday he might write about the traumatic childhood that he had being taken to 6 countries and over 16 flights before he was 5; about the countless conferences and meetings that he was part of because his mother wanted to work AND have him at close quarters; about how parents used to argue or something else that I am sure he would find fault with. I also hope that he would end the book with one moment, one memory that made it all worthwhile.

As a business leader, you just hope that, while the team and tribe members may criticise the business decisions, complain about many things, their lasting memory is that of the one person they met, one talk they heard, one friendship they developed that changed their life.

The only legacy that I hope to leave for my son as well for any colleague is the warmth I could provide as I enveloped them with that quilt of comfort woven out of my imperfections. And that metaphoric quilt changes forms - Sometimes, it's a hug, other times a nod or a short note, on some other occasions, it's taking a stand and yet it remains an expression of love; my expression of love.

What is your expression of love? just curious....