Ladies, The Missing Link to Your Power in Leadership: Stop Performing!

First of all, yes, that’s my daughter in the picture, and this goes to her, too. 🥰

I'm working with two remarkable women at VP and C-Suite levels who echo a common dilemma: assertiveness in women is seen as a problem, while it's celebrated as strength in men.

This paradox is something many women in leadership face daily.

What is the main cause? Gender bias and stereotypes.

Traits like ambition and assertiveness are traditionally associated with men. Women, on the other hand, are expected to be warm and nurturing.

This creates a penalty where assertive women are seen as less likable, obstructing their career growth. I call B.S. on all that.

Consider this: displaying leadership traits admired in men can negatively impact a woman's career. It's absurd, but it's the reality we must address.

And here is another point both women brought up: They notice that their male colleagues are perceived differently.

They share that: "If male X were there, the mood would have been different," or "When X speaks, it's admired; when I do, my capabilities are questioned," highlighting the double standard.

I asked them, "Why do you think this happens? What’s different about these men?"

They responded, "They don't need to explain themselves. They have a certain allure and confidence. They don't get defensive."

"And how about you? How do you show up in these rooms?" I asked.

"Well," they both said, "unlike them, I’m good at mingling and conversing with everyone. People approach me, and I relate with them. – I make it a point to connect with people."

I tapped into my intuition as I listened. "Tell me if I'm wrong. Are you in performance mode at those meetings or when you enter the room?"

After a stunned look, they admitted, "Yes, wow, you’re right, I am. And it's exhausting!"

Breaking the Cycle

This need to perform, driven by the desire to counter biases, is exhausting and counterproductive. It creates a vicious cycle where constant effort to prove oneself only perpetuates the feeling of inadequacy.

No matter how much you “perform,” they will sense it’s a performance and not true intrinsic confidence.

To break free from this cycle, you must stop performing. For that, you need to recognize and remember that you are enough. You are powerful, capable, and experienced.

You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone.

"But how do we stop performing?" they asked.

I often use the analogy of a pillar made of stones. "Imagine a pillar representing you. What would it take for this pillar to stand tall, strong, unwavering, and resilient?"

"It needs a strong foundation," they replied.

"Exactly. What else?"

"The stones must fit well together, with the stronger ones at the bottom to support the others."

"And what should they be made of?"

"Something strong, like granite."

"Great. Now, think of each stone as a quality of your character. What words would you engrave on each stone?"

Reluctantly, they began, "I finish my projects on time. I deliver products better than expected."

I stop them. "You're still describing your work. Describe yourself as a person."

After some hesitation, they continued, "I’m intelligent, strategic, trustworthy, decisive, high-achiever, innovative."

When you acknowledge these qualities, you build a strong foundation of self-worth. This exercise is about recognizing your intrinsic value, not relying on external validation or needing to overcome biases.

As long as you try to be “there,” you are not "here." You are not truly “being.”

"But what difference will this make in the workplace?" they asked.

One of my clients, a C-Suite executive, shared how things changed for her. "Since I stopped seeking to be recognized or validating my worth and started focusing on my strengths and “being,” people began to see me differently. My colleagues now approach me for advice, recognizing my confidence and autonomy. It's empowering."

As long as you are performing, you haven't arrived. Stop trying to become what others expect. Just be who you are.

Embrace your strengths, and let your true leadership shine. We need you to lead authentically, not perform.

This is your call to action.

Before entering any room, remind yourself of that powerful pillar you are.

Stop trying, just be. Your true leadership lies in your authenticity and self-assurance.

The world needs more women who lead with confidence and purpose, unburdened by the need to prove themselves.

I shared this story with my daughter, and she said, “You mean code-switching?” I wasn’t familiar with the term, but she was clearly aware of it.

Stay strong, stay true, and lead with conviction, I reminded her.

I see you! ❤️

PS: Are you facing the same challenges and want to boost your confidence? Reach out to me. Let's get you to the position you know you belong in.