Laughter, Love, Self-care at the Cemetery: Father’s day and Dementia

This was originally posted on Medium

With a thank you to Nancy Debra Barrows M.S. CCC-SLP  for spurring me to expand on my comment regarding soul care… on a Linkedin post.. 

My comment began “I agree! (About soul-care and self-care)”

I had an absolutely fantastic day yesterday with my 91 year old father. My father has dementia. We are blessed as he was only diagnosed or really affected just prior to his 90th birthday in January 2023..

Due to a tough winter for my dad, and the progression of his disease, we had not been to the cemetery in a long time. We used to visit weekly, until this past winter. 

We went to the cemetery to visit my mother, my sister, my aunt and my gran. We have more of our immediate family interred than not.  As my father said, "We're a dying breed" followed by a deep chuckle. He has all ways had a Scots sense of humour, a bit bent.. like me. 

It may sound odd to some, as cemeteries and those we have lost are not usually the fodder for gales of laughter. In our family, we take the joy whenever and wherever we can! 

My dad adores my mother, to this day. She has been gone since June 19th, 2012. Their ongoing love story was legendary among all who knew them. 

Only in the last couple of months, has he found himself, unaware of where my mom is.. 

The first time he called me at supper time to say he was worried, it was getting late and he didn’t know where my mom was… I was taken by surprise and shock. 

I never thought he would lose anything to do with my mother. It kinda knocked my world off its axis for a moment. I am not ready to lie to my father. I cannot simply say she’ll be along, later. He has very lucid days when I believe he may remember my deceit and that would be considered an offense. 

As the calls about my mom’s state and place are becoming more frequent, I decided to take my dad to the cemetery and take a photo with him at the graveside. 

I will have it blown up and put it in the kitchen. My father still lives in the only house he and my mother ever owned. 

On Father's day, last Sunday, dad  and I went off to the cemetery. We had a totally silly day, giggling and cracking silly jokes as we got lost!! ( We have been to the cemetery a million times)  

Yesterday, I think my mother was having a little fun at our expense..

The cemetery is adding a number of tall crematory crypts to the area where our military people and their significant others are interred.  This, and a plethora of cars, caused my father and I to get a little befuddled.

Heading up the path, I was sure it was the right one until we got close and then it all seemed 'odd'. We had miscalculated a row.. (A heart stopping moment for me as I wasn't sure if I was losing it! A grave doesn't just up and move)  

We circled round after going back to the car and .. walking back up the same path and there she was... right where we had been, not 10 minutes prior! It seems I was looking in the second row, not the third!

The day continues to be odd. Now for the biggie! My family is buried in a different area of the cemetery that is for non military people.  We chose a lovely spot on the edge of a gentle slope under a tree for my Aunt Kathleen who was first to go. She died in July of 1979. 

About 10 years ago, sadly, the tree near where we buried my aunt, died.  Instead of removing it and a few others in the same state, they brought in some wood artists who carved the trunks so they could remain standing. Beautiful birds, symbols and in the case of the tree beside our family grave, it was topped by three tulips.. Painted red, yellow and blue. 

My dad is telling me to turn right, the car goes left and he says  ”you’re other right hahaha”  We circled the winding roads through the whole cemetery at least four times…

 I’m now thinking its going to be weird trying to explain to my hubby that I am lost in a cemetery I have been frequenting for four and a half decades! 

It was a full half hour before I made one last try from the main building.. 

You see the gravestones in this part of the cemetery are flat, flush with the ground. You cannot read them from the road. Nor could i see over the gentle slope towards the road.

“Ok dad, I’m just gonna stop where I think it is” , still scanning the air about 15 feet up for the three coloured tulips at the top of the carved tree trunk. I parked on the edge of that grassy knoll and came around the car.. Directly to my right, just at the top of the slope.. Was the grave marker with our three surnames Faughnan, Henderson, Lindsay.

As I looked up ahead, to my horror I saw a flat almost imperceptible tree stump, not even as tall as a blade of grass!  The beautifully carved tree was no more!

The other trees that had been carved are still standing, in their areas of the cemetery. We had passed them multiple times in our drive to get my bearings! 

By this time we are lost in the laughter, not even sure exactly what it is we find so funny!  We pay our respects knowing that all our family are enjoying our crazy afternoon probably even more than we did! 

We made our way out of the gates, and drove home just in time to get ready for dinner. I served my dad mussels, one of his favourites from childhood, and finished our meal with ice cream and furkid cuddles. (Spencer can be touched our original Chi, Caylee not at all)

Dad said he had a fabulous time and that it had been a “Great Day”.  

I wrote this post in response to a question about self-care and soul-care… This for me was both, and my father’s joy in what he deemed this “great day”  is such a gift. I am so blessed and filled with gratitude.