Layoffs as Loss

This morning, I woke up to a loud bang. In search for the source of the commotion, I prowled around my house at 2AM and eventually found a ceiling fan that crashed to the floor, inches from where I work. I joked to myself that sh-t had hit the fan somewhere.

Then, I sighed and did the only thing I could do - clean up the mess and get some rest.

As traumatic as such an event can be, there are worse things than a broken fan. World news aside for the moment, other unexpected news can take us by surprise in our lives and careers. Sometimes it’s a layoff. Or, the death of a loved one. These events can shake up everything we think we know about the world. We can encounter a deluge of emotions like sadness, anger, overwhelm, stress, anxiety, frustration, and pain. Our body can hold tension or sensations of burning or being trapped. We can encounter feelings of despair and confusion.

It can feel like being thrust out into the cold snow without even a pair of socks. Our sense of warmth and safety has been removed suddenly, like a rug being pulled out from under us.

The question in the front of the mind is "What am I going to do?" Meanwhile, other questions in the back of the mind prevent us from taking clear action like:

• Who am I without this person in my life?
• Who am I without this job title?
• Who am I without this company?
• Who am I without my health?
• Who am I without my partner?
• Who am I without my success?
• Who am I?

Fear shows itself in the face of loss because we forget who we truly are.

When we forget who we are, that's really when sh-t hits the fan and we lose our head.

I’d like to invite you to consider this: The only thing that is real is this present moment. This is the Now. It was Now when I wrote this. It is Now as you read it. Now is the only thing that is real. Everything before Now is a story we tell ourselves in our mind based on our journey in this life. So, the question becomes what story are we telling ourselves?

We can choose to tell ourselves a story based in love and compassion, for ourselves and for others. Or we can choose to tell ourselves a story based in fear, spite, and hatred.

Once you're aware of this, is there really a choice here?

Leaning into the Kubler-Ross grief cycle can be extremely intense – denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. That’s because we are experiencing loss. But, what exactly are we losing?

A part of our identity.

And, in turn, a part of our idea of safety. I only feel safe because I know who I am and I know who I am because I’m that title, company, partner, whatever. In our modern society, most people don’t know who they are without their career. So, when they feel that career or success is under threat, they lose a sense of who they are. Same with a layoff or, heaven forbid, the passing of a loved one.

Don't let anyone project their fears onto you, including your loved ones. It is no one's responsibility but yours to remain present. The absence of this presence can be catastrophic for our mental health, for our leadership, for our work, for our company, and our world.

Even leaders with the best intentions can falter in humility and presence. When they do, we often see the denial of reality and a limitation of the individual to guide themselves through the grief process. This denial is a special kind of mental-looping insanity called grief and it keeps us from presence where we can flow and do our best work. Once we see this denial, we start to recognize it within the context of the grief process. And that gives us power to lean into grief consciously instead of letting it plod along subconsciously, stretching out the pain.

It’s so important to feel your feelings, not deny them. But let’s be clear, no sane person wants to dwell in grief longer than they have to.

The frame of the story you tell yourself matters. With these unexpected events these days, I choose the story that’s based in acceptance, forgiveness, presence, patience, gratitude, kindness, and compassion. Why? Because I don’t want to live in fear and hatred. That's the real insanity.

When I unexpectedly got laid off despite being a high performer, I faced the question as to how much time I wanted to spend in the past. I chose the clean cut. Sure, questions of how to pay the bills arose, but once I let go and accepted, it made it easier to return to my center, think, and move forward with focus, strength, resilience, and integrity.

Say it with me: I know who I am and I know my value. I don't need any job, boss, or company to tell me. I am my character, my consciousness, my skills, and my heart.

I didn't always know this, though.

In fact, I needed to lose my mother first after her 18-year battle with a neurodegenerative disease before I really could master it. So, when that layoff came, it also went. In a matter of seconds. After a couple of deep breaths, I found myself assuring HR that it was okay and encouraging them to take care of themselves. That's the power that comes with acceptance and the art of letting go!

Each of us is on our own journey in this life. Recognize that others, like your old boss, are also on their own journey. If they fail to meet your standards, it’s not because you shouldn’t have standards like good management of a business. It's just that they can't meet those standards. It's also not because you shouldn't have expectations like others having good leadership skills. We just need to be clear and conscious about any assumptions we're making, so we see the absence of such leadership. Again, this is our responsibility, no one else's.

It’s also not because they’re out to get us. It’s because they have limitations. We all do. Everyone's doing the best they can at any given moment. Whether they can do better next time is a reflection of the growth mindset. Usually, we think of limitations in terms of domain knowledge, but the lack of leadership, good character, or consciousness can be a limitation, too. If it feels like someone is out to get us – they may have limitations whether it be in their ethics or their own fear. Or you may have the limitation of your own security. Fear of failure is a big one, right next to fear of death, especially for someone who identifies with their past record of success.

The drowning man pulls others down with him in his panic.

You are not your job title. You are not your company. You are not your solution or your viewpoint or your political party or your track record or what you’re selling or what you’re designing. Most people don’t realize this until they are forced to confront this question of who they are after unexpected loss. Usually a parent, a partner, a pet, or, most tragically, a child.

The wild truth too many forget is that we are the entire universe experiencing itself through the filter of our individual nervous system. Nothing could be more worthy, more radiant, more exceptional, and more comforting that you are everything that has been, is, or will be. And that your soul is simply on a journey to have the experience of being human. Let go of the idea that you are separate from everything else in the universe and come back to your center which is in that beautiful heart of yours.

Loss is like the crux of your life story. Grieve it and keep climbing.

If you've recently lost your job, allow me to be the first to congratulate you on the next chapter after this crux. If you've recently lost a loved one, they would want you to take the time to tend to your heart and then they'd want you to keep climbing.

Knowing that this is the journey you are on gives you power to let go of the past, return to the present, give yourself time to come to acceptance, and follow your heart into the next adventure knowing that unexpected news will come again and you know how to handle it. For now, I'd like to invite you to do some deep breathing, step into nature, get some rest, and recover from the sh-t that hit the fan in your life and brought you to read this article right Now.

There was a time when LinkedIn wasn't used for self-promotion and an extension of a company's marketing presence, but to help real people really connect. Don't be afraid to like or share this post with someone you know. Chances are, they really need to hear it.

No one does it alone.

If you feel like you may be in the grief cycle in one area or another and need help getting unstuck, please reach out to someone that can help. Don’t burden your spouse or your manager with something they’re likely not resourced to support. Seeking help from a coach or a therapist can speed up your recovery and get you back on the horse a lot sooner than if you try to go it alone.

Jesse Chen is a leadership integration expert. He is a public speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of an upcoming book on leadership consciousness. Jesse now helps aspiring leaders who are seeking to unlock their highest potential and live in peace, joy, freedom, and abundance. He enjoys surfing, lifting, salsa, yoga, and boxing and is passionate about helping people live the dream of life. Interested? His door is always open, even if his calendar isn't.