A Leader Listens to Serve

Some define leadership as convening essential conversations—conversations with the power to transform our understanding of complex situations and to generate innovative options for action. A key component of these conversations is deep listening.

According to researchers at The University of Michigan deep listening is a process of listening to learn. It requires the temporary suspension of judgment, and a willingness to receive new information – whether pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. In this regard, it is more about you than the person that is speaking. We are reminded in the bible that to gain wisdom we must be quick to hear and slow to anger. And further, not to let our passions overwhelm us to a degree that we refuse the instruction and guidance of others. This is in everyone’s best interest.

Deep listening happens on three levels: intrapersonal, interpersonal, and group levels. What do you say to yourself, that might interfere with your ability to be truly open to others? If you have concerns about your position or authority or any thoughts that could cause fear, guilt, or shame internally, they can easily block your ability to accept your partner's ideas and help them to create and consciously engage their intuition. To move into a better position, you must be able to listen to yourself first! If not, your drama will be ever-present in your mind.

“The willingness to touch the discomfort makes for a more resilient, more pliable human being, and as we become better able to tolerate and work with the ups and downs in our own lives, we become more skilled in keeping others company as they navigate their calm or turbulent seas.” – David Rome

Rome tells us that the practices related to peaceful contemplation are our very best hope for transforming all dysfunctional and damaging social habits; like not listening when others are trying to share their thoughts and feelings with us. In fact, the more we are aware of ourselves and our inner dialogues the better we can deal with them and put them aside. The more we can practice deep as opposed to active listening. The more we can offer up generosity, empathy, support, encouragement, and trust. Remember, good listeners ask questions from a place of genuine interest in what is currently being said, they attend to the thoughts of others with an open mind, and they encourage others to dig deep and know that they are understood which has so many tremendous benefits for relationship development. At their best, they help people discover their best selves. While poor listeners on the other hand come to the listening table with an automatic bias that causes them to jump to conclusions that are often negative. They may be so intent on discovering a win for themselves that they diminish opportunities for others to fully express and create new ideas. Their desperate desire to share their thoughts and ideas of course undercuts their ability to understand others. Besides, you can’t be in your mind and another at the same time, can you?

Rome suggests that three techniques help us to reckon with the raging inferno within all of us and help us to become better more open listeners and they are: developing a mindfulness practice, using the Alexander Technique, and learning the art of focusing (Gendlin). All of these practices help us to identify more with ourselves and deal with our feelings allowing us to suspend judgment and exercise empathy.  When we can rid our minds of moral or ethical conclusions we can better take in new information without a preconceived viewpoint or belief about the information being received or the person delivering it. When you suspend judgment, you purposefully open your mind to new and different conclusions than you may have previously assumed. You can set aside your beliefs and even your current convictions to consider other points of view and perceptions.

“The skill of empathetic listening promotes effective listening because it allows the listener to take into account where the speaker is coming from, both emotionally and in terms of the content of his or her speech…leading to better understanding.” The speaker will not have to deal with the listeners' ego, biased opinion, or disagreement. In fact, over time they will grow to depend on the listener's ability to find and share common ground, beliefs, and ideologies, and experiences.

This requires strength and a vulnerability that can only happen when humans build trust and allow themselves to be comfortable sometimes even in uncomfortable circumstances. Stephen Covey says that “between every stimulus and response lies our ability to choose.” This response-ability belongs to each of us and with practice, it strengthens the power of our listening. The more stimulating conversations you get into the more you grow into a better more open version of yourself. This potential exists each time you open yourself up to others and use frequent and intense connections to grow your relationships. 

Leaders that think of themselves as servant leaders are the best at creating warm and friendly environments that others feel comfortable in. This comfort will allow them to express deeper more meaningful thoughts and grow. You will also be more likely to have more engaged employees and enjoy better relationships with team members and other stakeholders than leaders who don't put the interests of others before their own.

Conclusion:

The big takeaways here are that when you listen to serve. You have to be able to suspend judgment and set your thoughts and feelings aside. Then you must be skilled at questioning and finding out ways to open the doors of possibility with the speaker while gaining their trust and confidence in the doing. Master these skills and you’ll be on your way to higher and higher levels of conscious leadership as others see themselves committing to engaging and working with you towards greater mutual satisfaction.

Exercises:

1.      Exam one or two past conversations with someone in whom you believe mutual trust has been earned and shared. How where you vulnerable? How where you open to their ideas and opinions? What did you do purposefully or habitually to make sure they didn’t feel judged or evaluated? 

2.      Now examine a few former conversations in which you seemed to have had a difficult time listening. What was going on in your body and mind? Were you feeling tense, bored, or anxious? Did you beat yourself up because you felt inadequate or somehow unprepared? Maybe you felt angry, trapped, or offended to be in a position that you consider non-sense. Again, make copious notes of your feelings and the triggers you experienced that caused them. 

3.      Look for opportunities to share common ground, beliefs, ideologies, and experiences with someone new that you may not reach out to normally. As soon as you can, take note of what you learned about that person. Reflect on what you might do to help further their thoughts or ideas that you might not have thought of immediately?

4.      Listen to teach others. When you can, take notes when a person of influence is speaking. Write down what you enjoy most about what they are saying and why. Make careful note of your various feelings as you experience them. If you have the opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings with them, do so and ask if they intended for the audience to feel this way? When I am really good, I get the speaker's permission to take copious notes during their presentation and offer to share them with them in a later conversation. This is a way to give tremendous feedback to them and share at least how you experienced their presentation. I’ve had the most stimulating conversations with the most fascinating people in this way. The bonus is that I tend to remember more of what was said as well and can share it better with others.

5.      Practice improv listening during interpersonal conversations. Learn to say “yes”- meaning I accept everything that you are saying and expressing wholeheartedly, without thinking of a position that I might take or defend. Just do everything that you can to be fascinated with the person and their viewpoint.  Then “and” meaning when it is your turn to speak, you open the conversation up to a deeper understanding of the originator's statement. Done well, this conversation can go to amazing places that neither of you could have possibly intended.