The Leadership Torch: What happens when a mentor or leader becomes your bully?
I think we can all agree that Leadership plays a vital role in shaping the emotional safety and well-being of individuals in the workplace. When leaders create an environment where people feel valued, heard, and supported, creativity and innovation flourish. However, when leadership falters, especially when a mentor or leader becomes a bully, it can leave you feeling disempowered, shaken, and uncertain about your abilities.
I experienced this firsthand when a mentor I once admired turned into a bully. It was a shocking and painful shift, leaving me questioning everything—from my capabilities to my sense of belonging. However, what I initially viewed as a setback eventually became a powerful catalyst for self-awareness and growth. This article shares my journey through that experience and explores how such challenges, while difficult, can set you up for success and your next opportunity.
Building Self-Awareness: The Key to Taking Back Control
One of the most important lessons I learned from this experience was the importance of self-awareness. When someone in a leadership position mistreats you, it’s easy to internalize their behavior and begin doubting yourself. You start to wonder if their harsh criticism is a reflection of your own shortcomings. However, in these moments, self-awareness becomes your greatest tool.Instead of accepting the negative narrative that was being projected onto me, I took a step back and reflected on my own actions, values, and strengths. I asked myself: Who am I as a leader? What do I stand for? What are my true abilities? This process of self-reflection helped me see that the issue was not with my abilities or worth but with how I allowed someone else's insecurities and poor leadership to affect my sense of self.
Developing self-awareness allowed me to create a boundary between my own identity and the destructive behaviors I was experiencing. I realized that I didn’t have to own the negative energy coming from my mentor. By becoming more aware of my own emotions and reactions, I was able to reclaim my power.
Believing in Yourself: Gaining Confidence During Tough Times
Another key lesson was the importance of maintaining faith in my own abilities, even when external circumstances threatened to undermine them. When you face a leader who belittles you or disregards your contributions, it can shake your confidence. However, I learned that maintaining faith in my abilities was crucial to weathering this storm.I began focusing on what I knew I was good at—my strengths, my past successes, and the value I brought to the table. Instead of seeking validation from someone who clearly wasn’t invested in my growth, I started affirming myself. I sought feedback from other trusted colleagues and mentors who recognized my potential and supported my development.
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This shift in focus allowed me to rebuild my confidence and reminded me that the opinions of one person do not define my worth or future success. In fact, their behavior often says more about their own insecurities and lack of emotional intelligence than it does about you.
Changing Your Perspective: A Step Towards Success
It took time, but eventually, I came to view this difficult experience as a stepping stone rather than a stumbling block. I recognized that adversity is often a precursor to growth. Every challenge we face has the potential to shape us into stronger, more resilient individuals.What helped me reframe the situation was realizing that this experience was setting me up for my next opportunity. The adversity forced me to develop emotional resilience, sharpen my self-awareness, and deepen my understanding of what it means to lead with empathy and integrity. These qualities would serve me well in future leadership roles.
This experience also made me more compassionate toward others who have faced similar struggles. It inspired me to commit to creating emotionally safe environments in my own leadership, where people feel valued and supported. I realized that the best leaders are those who use their experiences of adversity not to perpetuate harm but to create spaces where others can thrive.
Learning from Every Experience
Ultimately, every person you encounter and every circumstance you face is an opportunity for growth. Even the most painful experiences can serve as catalysts for self-discovery and personal development. In my case, what felt like a betrayal by a mentor became one of the most powerful learning experiences of my career.I emerged from that experience not only more confident in my abilities but also with a deeper understanding of what it means to be a true leader. I learned that leadership is not about wielding power or control over others but about fostering environments of trust, respect, and emotional safety. I also realized that setbacks are often necessary stepping stones to greater opportunities.If you find yourself in a situation where a leader or mentor turns toxic, remember that this moment, painful as it is, is preparing you for your next chapter. Develop self-awareness, have faith in your abilities, and trust that this experience is setting you up for success. Everyone you encounter is a teacher, and every challenge you face holds the potential for growth.
Through adversity, we become more resilient, self-aware, and prepared for the opportunities ahead. It is in these moments of struggle that we find our strength and learn the true meaning of leadership.
Social Scientist-Systems Thinker-Innovator-Collaborator-Facilitator for Collective Wisdom
4moWell said Rae! I too have had this experience. From self-reflection I made a list of lessons learned from the bully’s behaviour and what it did to my self-confidence. I confirmed how I will treat people with respect, honesty and humility. I am often amazed at how often part of bullying is dishonest behaviour and words. Working with and alongside you was a very positive experience.
This is an amazing post and I really enjoyed reading this. It is inspiring since many of us go through this in silence, but the article can help us to say "I am breaking free".
Research, Women in Leadership, Business Development
4moThanks for sharing. I always work to foster an environment of trust, respect and meeting people where they are at and support them to be more. It is always extraordinary working with you.