Learn How Empathy Is the Surprising Magic Ingredient For Leaders

Stop focusing on the just behavior your kiddos (and staff-os) have and start focusing on what's behind it. 

Look,  let’s be clear, I'm an imperfect parent and a leader like you. I get frustrated, I get tired, and I don’t always do things the best way. However, I've been fortunate enough to be exposed to some concepts that have had incredible benefits for my family (and teams), and I want to share those with you. And yes, I know your teams are not your kiddos. However, there’s a lot of overlap in how we parent and how we lead. Stay with me.

Remember, Your Child is Not an Adult

Before we start, let’s remember something crucial: your child is not an adult. Their brains aren't fully developed until they're around 25 years old. Having adult expectations of a child is a mistake and a recipe for failure and unhappiness. 

Even as adults, we struggle—think about how you react when someone cuts you off in traffic or when the dishwasher isn't loaded "correctly." Just remember, when we’re stressed, we’re not at our best, and neither are our kids. 

The brain science behind this is that, under stress, we literally do not have access to problem-solving, critical thinking, innovation, and working with others. During these moments, it’s flat-out off and a reward or punishment doesn’t change that.

The Problem with Punishment and Rewards

Many of us tend to use punishment or reward systems, like reward charts, under the assumption that if our kids behave perfectly, they'll get a special reward. But if they don’t act as we would like, they must be bad kids. This approach is outdated and ineffective. 

Imagine if someone told you that you need to go to Zimbabwe tomorrow and teach Swahili. Most likely, you don’t know where Zimbabwe is, and you probably don’t speak Swahili. This situation would stress you out because you lack the necessary resources or skills, right? Now, even if someone offered you a million dollars to do this, you still wouldn’t be any more equipped to teach Swahili in Zimbabwe. The same logic applies to our children. Offering rewards doesn’t suddenly equip them with the skills they need.

What Actually Works

Instead of focusing on behavior, focus on empathy and validation. Now, when I first heard about this approach, I was skeptical (to put it lightly). But after using it, I've seen phenomenal results with my family and others. Empathy and validation don’t mean feeling sorry for your child or condoning their behavior. It means understanding that it makes sense for them to feel that way, and you’re there to support them. This approach helps build up their skills and emotional regulation. It also helps them immediately not feel alone.

Quick Role Play

Here’s a practical example: Let’s say your child has an emotional outburst at school. The typical response might be to get upset, demand an apology, and punish them. While it’s a comfortable replay of what we think works, it doesn't build skills or address the underlying issues. Instead, try this: after the incident, calmly say, “Hey, you’re not in trouble, but I’m just curious. It seems like math class was hard yesterday. What’s up?” Just listen and empathize. You’ll need to do this repeatedly—micro doses, five to ten times a week. Don’t go for problem solving and consequences right away. Just stay in empathy and validation for them.

Additional Resources

Okay, yes, you want to build up skills and have these behaviors occur less. Trust me, I get that!

So, I recommend you go to the experts, like I did years ago. For more detailed guidance, check out the resources available on the Lives in the Balance website, livesinthebalance.org. 

And yes, I also cover these topics in my bestselling book, “Unleashed: What a Child with Autism Can Teach You.”

However, if you just start by simply focusing on empathy, understanding what’s behind the behavior, and moving away from punishment, you'll notice a remarkable difference in your parenting journey, and your child will develop amazing skills.

Keep on loving on your kiddos (and if you are a leader, your staff-os).

#leadership #leaders #neuroscience #empathy #validation #secrets