learning to admit we're wrong
I have trouble admitting I’m wrong. If my wife or mom reads this, they’ll probably be thinking, “finally!”
I went on a personal silent retreat this past weekend for two days. I didn’t have much of an intention going in to it but once I got there and started thinking about it more, a phrase surfaced in my soul.
“Admitting gets you admitted”. A quote by Jim Finley in his reflection on the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous in a course that uses the 12 steps and contemplative Christianity to lead you through habits of the mind and heart.
This set the tone for the whole weekend where I went through (to the best of my ability) every major pain and trauma in my life. Slowly revisiting and letting go through full admission of my own faults and that which happened that was out of my control.
I was making peace with that which I could not change the outcome but could change the perspective.
Admitting you’re wrong or accepting something that happened is hard. It can feel like we’re being robbed of something or cheated. I’m not sure if it’s a guy thing but I know many men who struggle with admission and acceptance. The more privilege, power and societal status you have, the harder it is to admit. More so, if you never saw admitting modeled as child then you developed the habit of denial, you may find much of your identity in this to where you can’t even notice this.
As humans, we can be so strong willed, our egos holding on for dear life. Why is this? Everyone has different reasons. It could be a fear of failure, the vulnerability of being wrong, or the need for certainty and control. We look at those in the news and scoff at politicians and entertainers lack of ability to admit yet, in our own lives, we double down in arguments with loved ones, reject or dismiss the issues in our lives and put ourselves in situations and around people that just affirm our mindsets and beliefs.
Holding on to this is exhausting. It’s like subtly flexing a muscle all day with no rest, then finding you pulled that muscle and feeling sore.
Recommended by LinkedIn
Belonging is found in the letting go, not holding on because, when you let go of what separates you, you now have the space and capacity to belong to something that integrates you.
Admitting brings a freedom. Once I finally fully owned up to that which I did and that which happened to me, the power those situations had over me was released. As a Christian, my worldview is that my higher power/greatest Presence loves me unconditionally and has the final say of who I am, not what I’ve done or what’s happened to me.
When we feel safe and secure enough to be vulnerable in the presence of someone who will neither hurt or abandon us, is when we find healing.
We think there is a benefit to resisting admitting. Whether that be the pride of being right or feeling in total control. But really, the cost is a constant need of energy to protect and pay attention to something that is taking life from us, not giving life to us.
Jim Finely shares a story in an AA meeting ritual. “When a new member joins, they walk into the room and everyone’s head is bowed as they all sit in a circle. The group facilitator looks at the new member standing up and asks, “what do you love most?” Caught off guard and slightly confused, the newly joined addict says, “my wife”. In unison, the rest of the room says, “bullshit!” with their heads remaining down. Even more shocked and unsure of what to say, the new group member is asked the question again. In which he responds, “my kids”. Again, the group replies, “bullshit!”. Finally this goes on until the member’s reply to what he loves most is, “alcohol”. At which point, the entire room stands up, claps, cheers and embraces this new member with a hug. Tears pour down his cheeks as he hadn’t been touched like this in a very long time.”
This rite of passage exudes the absolutely essential step of admitting and acceptance. Admitting you made a mistake. Admitting you hurt someone you care about. Admitting you feel shame or fear about a situation. Admitting you could’ve acted better. Admitting the true depth of how something effected you. Admitting, admitting, admitting. Why? Because, admitting gets you admitted.
Questions