Lessons From 3 Years Of Marriage (But 10 Years Together)

Time is a Strange Thing.

Sometimes we Perceive it as Fantastically Fast.

Sometimes Strangely Slow.

My wonderful Spouse and I started dating nearly 10 Years ago.

3 Years ago, we "Finally" got Married (Thanks 2020).

When I think about this Time, it's been Wonderful.

Spectacularly Slow.

I remember when I was Younger always wanting Time to Speed Up.

Nothing was "Ever" Fast Enough.

I am starting to Appreciate Time Feeling Slow.

Truly, it has become a Blessing.

My Spouse and I have noticed something... Interesting over the years.

Our Relationship seems to be "Very" Different from Others.

This is, in just about every way, a Great Thing.

We Rarely have Problems.

We Enjoy being Together.

I Believe Every Day Gets Better.

So today, I'm going to discuss some of the things that have helped us get to where we are today.

This may be cheesy, but I'm a cheesy guy, so you'll have to deal with it.

The First is to have Gratitude for the Small Things.

We say Thank You to each other.

Daily.

It doesn't matter how Small or Insignificant something is.

We're Grateful.

Even if we Cook Together, we Thank Each other for each of our Contributions.

We make sure the other Knows they are Appreciated.

Then, we Grow Together.

We frequently discuss how we want to Grow as a Couple.

We both Understand there is "Always" Room to Grow.

So, we Ensure we Grow in the Same Direction.

We have Individual Goals and Interests, of course.

But the Overall Direction must be Together.

Speaking of Individual Goals...

We also Support Each Other's Goals.

Sometimes they are Lofty.

Sometimes they might even be a bit "Scary".

(More for her because I have "Extreme" Fitness Goals).

But we are Supportive, Always.

If We can Help each other, We Do.

It can be Hard.

Especially when one (ok, me) is Not Talented in certain things.

Yet, even just small levels of Support are Extremely Helpful.

We Know Our Goals.

We Work Toward Them.

We Support those Goals.

However We are Able.

It's that Simple.

From here, we also Focus on Appreciating each other.

What we Focus on, we Find More of.

So we "Look" to Appreciate.

Then, We Find More to Appreciate.

They can be External.

Their Smile.

The Glimmer in their Eye.

Their New Nail Polish.

It can also be Internal.

Their Drive.

Their Ability to Care.

Their Love of Bob's Burgers (and Desire to Quote it Daily with you).

The list begins to become Endless as there are New and Different ways to Appreciate each other.

When We as Humans Deeply Appreciate Others, it can be Felt.

Another thing to think about is "How" You Spend Time Together.

It is always Good to have Routines.

As Humans, we "Need" Routines for Energy (Mg-ATP) Homeostasis.

But you also have to "Break" the Everyday Occasionally.

In Flow Research, they call it "Novelty".

We do this (at least) Once a Week.

Go to Different Restaurants.

Choose a Different Bookstore.

Do some Excursion or Event.

Shake it up!

Create Memories!

It doesn't even have to Cost Money.

As long as You Enjoy Each Other.

That is Key.

These have all been the "Nice" things though.

We all Know that we "All" also have Struggles.

Not Every Day is "Perfect".

We all "Crash".

Boom!

Yet, We have Strategies for these as well.

The first is that we Know what is "Worth" Fighting About.

Some days we Irritate each other, sure.

It's a part of being Human.

But are the Irritations "Worth" Fuming Over?

Will those things Matter in a Year?

A Month?

A Day?

Will it even Matter in 10 Minutes?

The "Vast" Majority of the Time is a Simple Answer.

No.

It Is Not.

There is a "Hidden" Key here as well.

Do Not "Hold Onto" that Irritation.

I have seen in "Many" Couples where they "Didn't Fight" about an Irritation, but they "Kept" the Irritation in their Back Pocket.

Until there is an Emotional Explosion.

You Can "Not" do that.

It is Unfair both to Yourself, and Them.

If it is something that Is Not going to matter, Release It.

No one Benefits from Holding Onto Poison.

If it is Worth Fighting About, then Discuss It and Find a Solution.

If Not, Let Go.

We Rarely Fight because We Refuse to Hold Onto the Poison.

Life is "Significantly" Easier when you Release It.

Nothing ever "Builds Up".

There is No Explosion of Negative Emotion.

Because we Do Not Hold onto the Negative Emotions.

If it is "Worth" Fighting About, we do it Immediately.

No Build Up.

Just Resolution.

This also brings me to another Necessity.

We Accept Each Other's Faults.

There is Another Way to say this.

We Accept We're Human.

Neither of us is Perfect.

That's Ok.

We Accept That.

Here's something to Pay Attention to in any Relationship.

Can you Accept the Faults?

Most people Reveal their Faults within a Couple of Months.

Even when people "Want" to Grow and Improve, sometimes it is "Incredibly" Difficult for them to Change their Faults.

It could be due to Long Ingrained Habits.

Or Traumas from the Past.

Those Faults may "Never" go away.

Can you Accept That?

For Us, We Can.

We Do Accept Them.

I can Admit to Not being Perfect, and I do try to Grow.

But I also Fall on my Face.

Frequently.

Horribly.

Occasionally, with Literal Blood (Blame the Spartan Races).

But even if we could "Never" Overcome our Faults, it is Alright.

We Already Know.

We're Both Human.

It's Alright.

For my Final Point, you Must Pay Attention to each other's Stressors.

I say this all the time...

All Stress Adds.

If Work pushes you into Burnout, it "Will" Impact your Relationship.

If Family is Creating Problems, it "Will" Impact your Relationship.

If Finances Feel Horrible, it "Will" Impact your Relationship.

Just as Relationship Stressors "Will" Impact Every Other Aspect of Life.

Most of the time it Is Not Intentional.

We "Try" Not to let Stressors "Seep" into other Aspects of Life.

But it happens.

It is just how Dis-Stress Works in Humans.

So, to Overcome this, Work Together.

Pay Attention to the Stressors that the other has.

Help Them Overcome.

Support them How You Can.

Reduce Stressors where You're Able.

In doing this, you become part of the "Solution" rather than an "Added Stressor".

If you help each other keep Total Stressors Down, you can Face New Stressors.

More Easily.

More Synchronized.

You can also Raise each other's Resilience if you do it Correctly.

It can become a Virtuous Circle where you Continuously Raise each Other.

So let me end on this.

My Love, thank you for these past 3 Years of Wonderful Marriage (and 10 Years together!).

You are Spectacular, Amazing, and Incredible.

There are Not Enough Words.

I Love You, Times Infinity.

Here's to the Future!