Let's make this time the last time

On Thursday, thanks to a local 'Anti-racist Parenting' WhatsApp group, I met 2 fellow #mothers who have no way of knowing what my mum journey is like, because they're both white and have white kids. That didn't stop them from wanting to do something to help equip the next generation, our children, with the mindset and attitudes that will show #racism to be the preposterous lunacy that it is. It's a #privilege to never have to have that conversation with your child or to try and explain that their life experience, their opportunities, their access to justice will be coloured by the colour of their skin. It's even worse to feel as a parent that you can't do that thing we instinctively want to do...protect them from it. I find that especially difficult too as a single parent, because I'm shouldering all parental responsibility and feel hugely guilty and panicky for not having any answers or strategy to shield my child from something I know to be so damaging and life threatening. My comfort right now comes from knowing I can take him home to Zimbabwe as soon as he's a teenager and keep him safe that way.

So back to the event... We wanted to connect with parents and kids so that this madness at least ends with our generation. We wanted to equip them with real ideas of small actions and behaviour changes that make it harder for fear, ignorance and prejudice to thrive. What we thought would be a small gathering - 30 or 40 kids given the 48 hour turnaround - turned into something bigger than we anticipated. Why? Because the beauty of this inflection point and (hopefully) historical pivot point, is that this time, it's not just black people feeling, expressing AND acting on their outrage. Outrage at what is an outrageous reality where civilised societies accept an operating model where an entire group of people are systematically marginalised and treated differentially because of something they cannot and would not change.

After a level of despondence, frustration, upset and also anger that meant I took 2 days off work, this past weekend was unbelievably therapeutic. To see so many non-black people protesting, being curious, setting up WhatsApp groups focused on educating themselves on the black reality, collectively looking for ways to support, sharing resources including literature for kids, local black owned businesses, campaigns, podcasts and more...That was the energy I needed. The loneliness decreased a little, and it seemed that so many people were listening and empathising and activating to make things better. I met the most phenomenal woman who championed this event and was the dynamo driving it forward. I don't think she has any idea how much she's done not just for me, but for all the families we had at the events on Saturday, who thanks to her, have a little more understanding of why this matters, why we're having to shout that black lives matter, and how they can be active allies in this campaign for change. Gabrielle Patrick, you are AMAZING! Thank you for taking up this fight with us to help break a cycle that has been left unchecked for too long.

Yes, we shouldn't be gathering, but I will still be brown after the pandemic is over. More importantly, so will my baby, my nieces, my nephews. We'll still have to face the same injustices at work, in stores, when we apply for jobs, in schools, basically, everywhere. I've not yet seen governments activate around ending this racism pandemic despite the people who've died: Stephen Lawrence (1993), Joy Gardner (1993), Sean Rigg (2008), Ahmaud Arbery (2020), Breonna Taylor (2020), George Floyd, (2020) Marcus Malachi (2020) and too many others. Even through this #COVID19, systemic racism means it hits us worse. We can't afford to take a pause from this. It's not a luxury we have, because no level of handwashing, sanitizing or mask wearing will protect us from the hazards of being black in the world as it is now. It has to change, and that change needs to come now while the world is paying attention. Ironically, the #C19 issue has amplified the attention on #BlackLivesMatter and hopefully, will keep this issue in the news cycle a little bit longer.

So how do we break the cycle? First, we #BreakTheSilence. We may have different skin tones and ethnicities, but the thing we all share is our humanity, so we start there.

Because I had the space and safe environment to do so, I spent so much time telling people real stories about my personal experience and the things that I do daily, things that are an inherent part of my parenting because I'm black and have a black child. For example, my child attends several after school activities, and some are drop off only, i.e. parents can't stay and watch. That fills me with instant anxiety because by default, I prefer to be in the room so I can oversee my child's treatment and experience, and also manage any experiences he may have e.g. when an activity involves taking turns and then the activity changes just as it's his turn, or when he approaches a group of children to play or chat and faces rejection from the group.  I will always ask for a viewing window because part of my parenting reality means making sure any teachers are aware that I'm there and observing. I'm constantly set to hypervigilance mode. He LOVES football, adores Arsenal (#ParentingWin), and is obsessed with Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang. But even football matches or God forbid, him wanting to be a footballer, fills me with anxiety. Even in 2020, racism in football is woefully inadequately addressed, and there's no appetite to take even the smallest, decisive steps. It's why starting school was so challenging for me.  I couldn't be there to watch and protect and explain.

My biggest take aways from the protest and the build up to it are relief and motivation. There's a window now to influence change, and despite our exhaustion, black people cannot afford to be crippled by weariness and fatigue. I'm relieved because people like Gabby especially, but also the parents who had such great questions for me, have shown me that they are willing and engaged allies. 

So here's what we can do. At an organisational level, now is when we push for the policies that will reform recruitment practices and bring real scrutiny and maybe even targets around black hires and also retention figures, including reasons for attrition. Simple things like routine exit interviews with outputs and candidate stories being presented at board/senior leadership level. Now is when we push for mandatory publication of ethnicity pay gap figures in the same way we do with gender, AND hold organisations accountable for improving. Now is when we push within our own organisations for examination of complaints processes, and the experience of black people going through the HR process when they need to report racism. Are the people managing that process equipped to recognise what's being reported, and see it as racism, when the majority of HR roles, especially at higher levels, are held by white women. The great thing is that we have a model to look at when we think of what's been done to tackle gender disparity. Why not use that to inform a roadmap around racial equality too?

Now is a really tough time for everyone what with #COVID19, and what happened to #GeorgeFloyd triggered an additional layer of anxiety. Check in on your black colleagues and friends because the range of emotions they'll be feeling will be hectic! I've been working through past trauma myself and realising just how much I've programmed so much of how I work with this hypervigilance activated. There's so much information out there; if you want to help, there are many ways to do so, from signing online campaigns, to buying literature for your kids or for yourself or simply looking at your circle of friends and your kids' circles to see how diverse they are. Look at your team at work and be brave enough to challenge what you see. If you walked into a meeting or an event and every single person was black, that would be noticed. Let's make it so that it's no longer perfectly normal for there to be no black representation around the table, without someone - ideally everyone - noticing and challenging it.

I leave you with 3 things: 1st, the hope that this was in some way useful and the challenge to do one thing each week to advance racial equality; 2nd, my words to the kids and parents who came to stand and kneel with us as allies; and finally, a reminder from my little superstar son that it's never too soon or too late to say and do the right thing.