Like Sinatra, “Regrets, I’ve had a few”

Yes, regrets, I have a few. And if you want to let your regrets go, come try it "my way" (couldn't help myself), which is a 3-step process to confront, forgive and envision.

Regrets are something that happen to all of us. And I’ve learned a lot about regrets since doing the work of a mid-life renewal coach. Of course, I have my own regrets as examples. And I’ve learned from my clients as well.

In a psychology study of regret published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, scientists studied two ways to experience regret: the action path and the inaction path. That is, we can regret the things we did – or we can regret the things we did not do.

Your action-related regrets help you learn from your mistakes even though they are painful. Your regrets related to the inaction path, including indecision and lost opportunities, are harder to accept. This kind of regret is more likely to lead to a longing for what could have been possibly even causing anxiety or depression.

If you are living with the negative emotions of regret, this negative energy is staying with you and affecting other parts of your life. It is likely regrets affect your work, your relationships and your peace. Regrets are like a bully circling back around for your lunch money, but instead it wants your happiness.

Rather than stay stuck, there are steps you can take to address your regrets.

You must begin by practicing self-compassion and this includes what you already know how to do. You already know how to look in the mirror and say “I love you” and “you are enough.” You must remind yourself that you are human and did the best you could with the current knowledge you had at the time. 

Most of us, whether it is action or inaction, have acted out of the fight or flight mode. Showing compassion to the person you were then can help you accept and move past the regret for the person you have become and even more importantly, who you want to be now.

Accepting that you have feelings of regret does not mean that you like these feelings. It just means you know they are there. It also helps to identify the specific emotion you’re feeling. Instead of telling yourself, “I feel bad,” say “This is me, feeling regret.” Simple as it sounds, the semantic difference has a big emotional impact.

The more I learn, the less I regret

Following my divorce, I pushed down my feelings of regret. As I hiked the Camino, I began to see the regrets as if they were walking alongside me. I guess they were in a way.

I had regrets that I had not left my marriage sooner. 

I regretted the lost years of my life where I felt unloved and unwanted.

 I regretted the fights we had and the angry words of pain and fear. 

I regretted the amount of my personal time I had invested in my company, especially during the early struggle years.

I struggled with thoughts of what I had missed. 

Until I recognized these feelings of regret and shared them with a friend, I had only my own vision of the situation. I’ll share in a moment how that helped change my perspective.

I learned to use words that demonstrated compassion toward myself, and spoke to myself more kindly, the way I would when talking to my daughters or my friends. I began to see myself as resilient and strong, rather than unhappy and afraid. I could move on from the negative emotions and ultimately forgive myself.

I’ve studied several processes that help you learn to recognize regret more quickly and let it go sooner. The skillset is something you can also share with others which further develops your self compassion and self soothing skills.

I learned to “go for it” rather than live a life of indecision. I still make mistakes and I learn from them. In fact, a friend from my mastermind cohort, Cristina Ramirez, says mistakes are only feedback. Regrets can be looked at this way too. Regrets are feedback that you have to move past this “thing” holding you back and maybe even break an unhealthy cycle.

If  you are regretting something due to inaction, then that is feedback that you need to further trust yourself. It’s possible! Let’s learn how.

1: Confront the bully of regret

Your feelings of regret are a signal that you need to make a change. This is a message from your soul - not that you are a terrible person - but that something must shift to feel the happiness you deserve.

Acknowledging your thoughts and feelings can bring relief from strong negative emotions. 

In my case, I had to remind myself that I was making decisions based on the information I had at the time. 

I believed, even though I was sad and unhappy, I was supposed to fight for my marriage. I was afraid of being alone and I was afraid of losing the family unit, so I didn’t act. My inaction was my regret.

It’s important to recognize your feelings! Remember you feel the way you think. 

Are you using victim verbage? They, they, they.

Are you feeling stuck in a negative story cycling through your head?

Are you feeling unlovable or unsuccessful? 

I’ve learned from Abby Medcalf’s podcast that whatever the story you tell yourself, then that’s how you feel. What you think is what you feel.

These negative feelings are holding you back so recognize them.

Medcalf says that to identify limiting beliefs, you must observe the “I am” statements which you say in the negative. 

Regret the bully goes after our feelings of self-worth when you think, “I can’t believe I didn’t stand up for myself, I’m so weak!” 

The feelings that follow statements like this are genuinely devastating to your self worth. Once you start paying attention to these, you can’t stop hearing them. This was my experience.

The other way to meet regret head on is to identify the role it plays in your life. Recognize it as a bully and learn how to protect yourself both consciously and unconsciously. 

To deny or not recognize these feelings can be life altering. For example, maybe you had a really bad experience at work with a particularly critical boss and you’ve got lots of regrets about it. 

You leave for another work position but you’re so afraid to make a mistake and have regrets that you keep looking for that same negative behavior in the new boss. Instead of enjoying the new job and the change you created for yourself, you are fearful and watching for the negative.

You don’t want the boss to turn on you so you make yourself small and don’t show your true skillset. It still comes down to your fight or flight instincts. It’s natural but in this case, you need to retrain your instincts. Confront the bully with courage and create a new story of success, acceptance and joy in your work.

Confront the bully by writing down the regrets. Name them. Call them out. They are hurting you so don't let them hide anymore.

2. Continual forgiveness with Ho’oponopono prayer

Give yourself a break! You are human and you make mistakes just like everyone else. In my book, The Swipe Right Effect: The Power to Get Unstuck, I share how the most powerful action I ever took was to forgive myself. Those regrets for all things I did and did not do were holding me back.

I used the 12 words provided by The Secret by Rhonda Byrne: “I forgive you. I release you. I want you to be happy.”

But in a later experience when I needed to find forgiveness, I found the ho-oponopono prayer which is also a quick recitation prayer. I would say it ten times before I ever got out of bed in the morning.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

The difference between this prayer and the first mantra is that involves my participation in the act needing forgiveness. I forgive you and me simultaneously. It’s powerful! I also believe going outside, grounding your feet, opening your arms and saying it to the heavens is even more powerful. 

One friend sinks their feet in the sand, opens their arms wide and says the prayer to the vast ocean in front of them. You can envision this for yourself while you say the prayer if you are not in a position to be outside.

Step 3: Envision the go forward

Everything that happened which led to the regret is over. You have let it fall to the ground like water through your fingers. Let that regret be soaked up by the earth.

I have provided a free meditation on my YouTube Channel called See Yourself Growing. It’s a five minute excerpt from my audiobook that can help you envision growing from a dark, sad place to the expanded life of love and happiness that is waiting for you.

The expansion of the seed to the flower is powerful as it grows and grows to the point of releasing it’s life-giving seeds back to the world.

Creating a vision board is a powerful way to move forward.and what’s fun about it is it utilizes your creativity and it is not a cut-and-dry system. You follow where your heart leads. What is the lowest “barrier to entry” for you?

Is your heart leading you to primarily use words, then create a “fictional” short story that outlines your future. You are the main character. Choose the ensemble cast and create your perfect day, month, year. Sound fun?

Are you a visual person and pictures most appeal to you? Use a poster board collage with images that inspire you or choose a digital vision board application. Canva is a free resource that has vision boards and mindmap templates.

Choose your method of vision board and give yourself a deadline for a completed first draft. This deadline should be just a few days because you have other projects ahead. This does not have to be perfect. This is the beginning of a process!

Focus your board on multiple aspects of your life, such as healthy habits, relationships, travel, finances and career. Go have fun!