Listening: How Good Are You.....Really?

Listening is something we think we do all the time. But are we really listening or are we simply going through the motions to placate the speaker? In other words, have we simply become good at appearing to listen? 

When someone feels like they’re not being listened to by us they switch off, or try harder to be heard…the more self-aware people may even adjust their approach to re-establish the connection so that you’re both back on the same page….But that’s pretty rare.

Truly hearing what another has to say, to be there to receive is a gift with great impact. To dial up your ability to make another feel listened to, understood and heard, here are my tips:

1.   Be emotionally aware

Of yourself that is. Ask yourself: “what’s going on for me today? Have I released the last conversation, or is there a thread I’m bringing through to this one?” Not such an issue if the last conversation was positive but it’s about appropriateness. If my last conversation was filled with laughter but the next one is about letting someone go, that emotion isn’t appropriate to carry over. Am I agitated or fearful? How well will I be able to hear in this state? Sometimes we can project how the speaker will be and we end up making that a self fulfilling prophecy as we respond to them “as if” and in turn, they respond. Coming into each call cleanly from an emotional perspective is a fundamental to better listening. Take time between conversations to re-centre with breath.

2.   Remove distractions

With phone and video holding greater or at least equal weight to an in person conversation in this current environment, it’s even more important that the person speaking with you knows they have your undivided attention. Walking around, looking down or sideways, or thinking about something other than what the person speaking with you is saying is disrespectful. While it may not actually be the case, it communicates a message of I’d rather be somewhere else than here speaking with you. Know that and stop doing it.

3.   Use clean language when feeding back what you’ve heard

Clean language is when you feed back to the speaker the exact words they used in the way they used them. It makes the speaker feel listened to, understood and heard. It requires you to listen then to their key words, write them down even. It encourages better listening, and ensures the meaning the speaker intended is reflected back. Not your interpretation or summary. Their words, their way. Simple stuff but powerful indeed.

4.   Listen for the emotion: what they don’t say can be more powerful than what they do say

What’s sitting underneath the communication? Naming the emotion, checking with the speaker about the emotion diffuses it if negative and acknowledges it. “You sound like something’s going on for you…how are you feeling?” or “I’m picking up some frustration/sadness/unease/disappointment/tiredness….is that right though?” Deal with that first. Don’t return to the topic until the emotion is labeled. Trust me: I’ve done this and it’s a disaster that results in a whole host of misunderstandings, poor interpretations and breakdown in a relationship.

5.   Listen with all of your senses to hold the space

If all you do is provide a place where the speaker knows you’ve truly held everything they’ve conveyed: the content, the emotion, the intention, you’re off to a great start. It can only build well from there. This is a skill that requires 100% presence from you the listener and an open heart. It’s why people love great listeners: they feel safe and “gotten”. It’s gold.