Living with suicidal ideation

Living with suicidal ideation

*TRIGGER WARNING* - This content talks about suicide and maybe triggering


Initially, I thought about calling this 'suffering from suicidal ideation,' but upon reflection, it's not something I suffer from these days. That's not to say it's not something I have suffered from in the past. The thought of this blog has been on my mind for quite some time, especially a few months ago when I did my mental health first aid training. I thought I was going to breeze through four days of mental health first aid training, but I was in for an emotional journey. When we got to day two, where we cover suicidal ideation, we were told in advance the session could be triggering, but honestly, I felt so far away from those old feelings. It wasn't until the session started and barely 5 minutes in, and I was balling my eyes out. I turned the camera off and just listened in to the session and break out rooms as I felt very vulnerable and raw. It felt rather weird hearing people talk about people with suicidal ideation and tendencies, like an out-of-body experience, but I guess it's not common to find yourself in a training session on such a sensitive topic you have the first-hand experience in. 


I texted my therapist and asked her why I was feeling the way I was feeling when it was such a distant memory of being in such dark places, to which she had mentioned that it could be because it had brought back those old feelings at the moment. It took me some days to shake off the rawness and feel like I was in the right place and time to share some of my experiences with suicidal ideation. I was further prompted last month when like many Brits, I sat down to watch two incredibly important documentaries, The life and death of Caroline Flack and The Silent Emergency by Roman kemp. I have to admit watching them was a real struggle with lots of tears and feelings of relatability. I thought that now was a good time as any to share more of my experience of what it's like to live with suicidal ideation from someone that is still here and very much lives with this. Rather than do one long blog, I've split it up into a few questions and invite you to ask questions of your own in the comments.


What is suicidal ideation?

I want to start by saying, I actually had no idea suicidal ideation was a thing until a few years ago when I came across a video by a lady on LinkedIn talking about her experience with suicidal ideation. All of a sudden, I had the word to describe something that had made me feel weird, out of place, and broken. It gave me some sense of control and relief to know that I wasn't the only one having these strange, complex, and dark thoughts. So what actually is suicidal ideation? Suicidal ideation is simply the technical term for thoughts of suicide or thinking about taking one's own life. "A person can have fleeting, intermittent, or ongoing thoughts about suicide," David A. Merrill, MD, Ph.D., psychiatrist.


What type of suicidal ideation do you have?

There are different types of suicidal ideation: passive and active. Passive thoughts may include thinking you'd be better off dead or that death would be a relief from current circumstances. Active thoughts have an intent to die by suicide, and perhaps including planning how it will happen. "Active suicidal ideation represents an escalation in risk of self-harm," Dr. Merrill explains. "The most intense level of suicidal ideation involves having a plan." I've lived with passive suicidal ideation for the past twenty years. I've never attempted to take my life, but I've definitely thought about how I could on more than one occasion, and I've definitely found myself sat on the bathroom floor with a sharp object in my hand when I was a child, which brings me onto, when did it start.


When did you start having suicidal thoughts?

I began having suicidal ideation when I was just eleven years old. Let that sink in for a second. That might seem shocking, but something mentioned in the silent emergency documentary, which I think was so on point, was that we tend to see suicide as something that happens to middle-aged people, and as the documentary and my own experience point out, the startling truth is it can happen from a very young age. It was a constant daily thought for a large part of my childhood, fuelled by being bullied at school. It was my worst nightmare, being picked on, receiving death threats, always being on high alert, and fearing from my life. I wanted the pain to stop.


What are the warning signs of suicide? 

So here's the thing, when I was doing the Mental Health First Aid course, we talked about warning signs, but as someone that has been on the edge of taking their own life, I can tell you no one, and I mean no one would have guessed it. I can probably guarantee that when friends, family, and ex-colleagues read this, they'll be surprised because, well, you learn to hide it very well. I also know this because when I interviewed Steve Phillip for my From Trauma to Triumph Live on LinkedIn about his son taking his life by suicide, I asked if anyone sensed that he might do that, and the answer was no. So whilst these warning signs do help, being active in checking in and asking how people are helped more.


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When has the suicidal ideation been at its worse?

Suicidal ideation really got a hold of me when I was going through my quarter-life crisis and working in the corporate world. I often joke about this period of my life, and I think in a way it's to make light of what was a very dark place for me. I got to a point where my world just felt like it was crumbling. I was going through an identity crisis, of realising that the dream, life, and identity I'd spent eight years building was, in fact, not me at all. That realisation made for a very rocky period where I was getting burnt out at work, resentful for everything that was happening, and unable to escape from a toxic work and home environment. I'd lost countless amounts of times where I would teeter on the edge of a train platform or think incessantly about jumping in front of a train or off a bridge I might be walking over.


What's stopped you from taking your own life? 

I always find it interesting when people answer this question, as a very high proportion answer family. Having come from a relatively dysfunctional family, with an absent father and distant relationships with other family members, I honestly never really thought about it as a reason not to do it, as bad as that may sound. I think in part because I've always thought, well, who in my family would really miss me? For me, it was a different reason. It was a notion that I was destined to do something in this world. I wrote a bit about an experience that really saved my life in this blog. You could call it a purpose, mission, a calling. I think that's why purpose is really important to me and the work that I do.


How do you deal with suicidal ideation now?

Firstly I am hyper-quick at spotting when things are spiraling for me. I will pick up the phone to my therapist, then to family members, then to friends until someone picks up the phone. This was super key to my last situation over the summer last year, where I was physically assaulted by a family member, and my suicidal ideation was off the charts. I sat starring at a window with such a strong impulse of wanting to jump out. What's really difficult about reaching out to people is in that moment you're in an emotional spiral, and rationally you know that you should pick the phone up, but your mind, in a way, goes sort of dark very quickly before you even know it.


What are intrusive thoughts? 

One of the big key learnings for me was understanding what intrusive thoughts are and learning that they are just thoughts passing. Just as quickly as they can come, they can also go. An example of what it looks like is when I relocated to Berlin and moved into my flat to live on my own for the first time, one of the thoughts I had was, "Well, if this all turns to shit and I fail, then I could always jump off the balcony because it seems high enough." This isn't for shock factor but to show you what suicidal ideation looks like. Does it mean I'm really going to do that? No, but does it mean these thoughts don't exist? No. 


What did you think of the documentaries?

I thought they were brilliant and couldn't have come soon enough! This is a topic that really needs to be talked about. There's so much shame and stigma around suicide. I have to say that I was really moved by the one of Caroline Flack, and I resonated a lot when her family mentioned that she felt deeply. This is something that I've battled with a lot, and I'm sure any empath can relate. I always feel like I feel a lot more than the average person, which is amazing because when it's good, it's amazing, but when it's bad, it's terrible. When I watched the Roman Kemp one, I thought it was great and so important to put a spotlight on how this affects men.


What should you be conscious of when talking about suicide?

There are many, but here are two that I think are particularly still common in language and conversation. Firstly, is not using the phrase 'committing suicide.' "The term 'committed suicide' is damaging because for many, if not most, people it evokes associations with 'committed a crime' or 'committed a sin' and made us think about something morally reprehensible or illegal," said Jacek Debiec, an assistant professor in the University of Michigan's department of psychiatry who specializes in post-traumatic stress and anxiety disorders. Secondly is saying the people that commit suicide are being selfish and that it's a choice. They're not, and it's not. It's such a complex situation, but a great article that dives into this is here. 


So why share this with you. Whilst recent studies show that suicide hasn't changed hugely since COV-ID, it's not to say that the aftermath with potential economic turmoil might see those stats drastically change. It's not news that the pandemic, whilst it has brought people together, has seen a lot of people face financial hardship, loss of jobs, and multiple griefs in a short period of time. For any human, that is a lot of adversity. So check in on your loved ones, let them know you are there and that you are always just a phone call away.


With love and care,

#AuthenticAlex


Resources:

  • In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
  • Mind has a great pager on Suicidal Feelings:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/suicidal-feelings/about-suicidal-feelings/

__________________________________________________________________

Hi there, I'm Alex. If we haven't met before, nice to meet you, and thank you for taking the time out to read my newsletter. If you enjoyed it, you could hit subscribe to be notified and if you liked it, feel free to like, share or add a comment. I'm running a six-week story marketing course where I teach you how to find your voice and share your story, you can find out more and book here. If you want to connect with me in other ways, you can find me on Instagram here, or you can also sign up for my Authentic Alex newsletter that covers topics such as creativity, purpose, presence, leadership, and storytelling.

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About Alex: At the age of 24 Alex found herself employed as the Head of Training and Development for a Foreign Exchange Company in The City. After experiencing her very own quarter-life crisis, she decided to leave the corporate world and create her own definition of success. On the day she left that job she wrote a post that went viral on LinkedIn.

Since then she’s been named LinkedIn Top Voice UK twice for her mental health and personal growth content and has become an official LinkedIn Learning Instructor. She's also the co-founder of #LinkedInLocal, a global movement creating communities in over 100 countries and 1,000 cities.

She’s best known for blogging under the hashtag #AuhtenticAlex where she smashes one stigma at a time and writes about her therapy journey with the aim of inspiring others to transform their traumas into triumphs.

She now helps individuals and businesses grow their presence on LinkedIn, find their sense of purpose, awaken their creativity and tell their stories. You can find out more about her and the brand here: www.fromtraumatotriumph.co.

Danielle Phillip

Operational Support at The Jordan Legacy CIC

1y

‘intrusive thoughts are just thoughts passing. Just as quickly as they can come, they can also go.’💛

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Richard Bantock

Group Sales Account Director

1y

World Suicide Prevention Day 2023 is fast approaching Take a look at the work of The Jordan Legacy CIC Steve Phillip Paul Vittles and the petition they have organised calling for legislation to: 🔹 Create a National Suicide Prevention Office 🔹 Require suicide prevention plans, frameworks and training for public and private organisations 🔹 Support statutory local suicide prevention partnerships 🔹 Enable sharing of data on suicide deaths/attempts Every repost, every signature works towards changing the face of mental health.

Hi Alex I have family members that this is a real issue for them. One being my twin. It is very hard as a family member to deal with this and I have had to call ambulances and seen her at her worst. Even though it is hard for me I can realise it must be hell for her also. Thanks for your rawness and honesty on this issue.

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anne L.

Economic Researcher

3y

Good morning Alexandra Thank you for sharing this important article Mental health has accelerated during lockdown I know 4 people who have taken their own life . Its very sad when people cant see a way out of events that are out of our control. Take care and have a lovely weekend. 🙂❤🌹

Kevin Mitchell

Interim Programme Manager, Director, Chair of Mind in Kingston

3y

There have been very significant mental health and well-being impacts during the pandemic in the U.K. it’s good that suicide has not risen, but the mental health impacts are following in the wake of the virus pandemic and social isolation. The Financial effects have been substantially delayed for many by fiscial interventions that are ending. The economy is in dire straits. National Mind has already named now as a mental health emergency, a crisis that needs a crisis response just as the physical virus impact required. Thank you for promoting knowledge and as always for sharing your insight and experience Alexandra Galviz (Authentic Alex)

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