Lizard Brain Me. (A mediation story)

I want to share with you a story about how I used conflict resolution skills from my workplace in a raw, real life, high stakes situation. This is part of my commitment to finding strength in vulnerable leadership, whereby I share lessons learned with you in the hopes that it makes both you and I better leaders, nurses and humans.

A few weeks ago there was a large conflict in my family. This situation took me to full lizard brain mode – the primordial brain that lacks capacity for complex reasoning. Sensing a transformation into a full lizard – I removed myself from the situation retiring to a dark place to hide my lizarding. Crying and feeling the emotions of blame, anger, denial, hopelessness, I was buying into being a victim in this situation. Brene Brown would call this a ‘shame shitstorm’. This is VERY unusual behaviour for me, but I share this to demonstrate that we are all capable of these moments.

My husband in his very steady and level-headed manner asked me: “What would you do if this was a professional situation?”

“I don’t go LIZARD at work!!!!! I am the lizard now- not the mediator!!!” I retorted.

“Well, you do that well, so maybe you could use it here?” He suggested.

“NO! I’m the lizard! Someone needs to mediate ME!’

“Okay… so maybe we should get an external mediator?”

“NO!” My husband in his knowing way tapped into the one thing I cannot do - let other people make decisions for me. I took my lizard self to bed. The next day I awoke feeling calmer and less reptilian. His advice was sage.

Professionally I mediate conflict between people, it is part of the role. To support this process I developed a pre-mediation worksheet (to help make it easier for me to mediate others). On this day, I used this worksheet to mediate myself. In mediation at work, I send this to both people and ask them to complete it before mediation and send it back to me (this is very helpful in understanding perspectives and anticipating potential surprises).

When I started, I felt shame that I needed to use this tool on myself.  But as I progressed, I could see it was working and I was thrilled! Using this methodology really helped me move from being stuck in my lizard primordial brain back to a rational human capable of complex problem solving with my neocortex back online. I was surprised to find that going through this worksheet helped to soften my rage, refocus on the whole person I was dealing with and figure out why things happened in the way they did. I did not ask the people I had conflict with to do my worksheet (can you imagine it- “Here, I want to sort out our problems, now complete this worksheet I prepared for you!”).

I have uploaded this document as a PDF in case it helps you in your role to mediate issues between staff – or like me you could use it in your personal conflicts. Facilitating the discussion is easier because there is a natural progression in the conversation towards resolution.

1.      What do you like about this person? 

The worksheet starts with thinking about what I like about the other person. This helps me to see them as more than the behaviour in question. Refocussing on them as a whole person instead of zooming in on one issue allows us to see that there is good in the other person.

2.      What happened in this conflict (write as unemotionally as possible)?

This needs to be written without the emotional layering that can occur when we are upset. Sometimes the process of writing it down makes us realise that the issue may not be as large as we thought it was. Sometimes it still is, and that is okay too. In my case, I felt confused (writing it down) about how something that looked so small on paper could have unleashed the lizard in me. It felt good to reflect on this.

3.      What did you want to happen in this conflict?

Clarity is the purpose of this question. Sometimes a person might not even know what their expectations were. In this question either person might see a different path they could have taken (when they hear it from another persons’ perspective). 

4.      Why is this important to you?

This question gives permission for us to share our values. This is a vulnerable question to answer. We are talking about who we are, and what is dear to us. The impact of brave sharing in this question can help connect people and make it easier to resolve the conflict. Here I also like to ask if each party can understand why this is important to the other person. I am yet to hear a person decline this offer.

5.      How did you contribute to this conflict?

This reflective question asks me to take ownership of my part in this conflict. It is a key step in resolving the conflict. Both of us must find something we did which led us to this point.  It also helps us get to the point where we can say sorry (because we BOTH need to in order to resolve this conflict). If a person is finding it difficult to own a contributing factor, I might ask them a couple of questions about the situation leading up to the conflict, or to identify if they had recognised the other person was becoming elevated.

6.      What are you sorry for?

This is where a person can plan their apology to another. The natural next step after identifying that we helped cause a problem is to apologise for it. Managers beware: some people may attempt to disguise a further insult as an apology. Eg. “I am sorry you are so sensitive”. This is not an apology. A true apology begins with ‘I’m sorry I..’. An apology takes a further step in owning part of the problem. I can only apologise here for a thing I have done. This is helpful to identify, discuss and correct with the person before bringing this sheet to the mediation.

7.      If this situation reoccurred, what could I do differently?

Identification of a corrective action for the future, helps to prevent this situation from happening again. This question is phrased as what ‘could’ I do, not what ‘will’ I do. It leaves the possibility that this may not happen again, and that an entirely different option could eventuate. It also shows both people that they are thinking differently about this issue in the future.

8.      Is there anything outstanding?

Here it is good to see if there is anything unresolved about this issue. If not, some other aspect of it could bubble out later and cause further mediation to be necessary. At this point in time one or both people often want to give some further explanation about how they were thinking during this issue and that can also help bring them closer together.

After that question, I ask if they would be happy working together in the future. I also ask that if they have further concerns, to bring them to my attention for discussion.  I let them know that this is considered informal mediation, and that if they are not happy with the process that either of them can take it to the next level which is (insert your organisations process here).

In the case of my lizard brain incident, having these conversations brought us closer together as a family. I learnt things I didn’t know, so did my family and we are all a lot closer because of it. If this process helped me, I believe it can help others (whether they are mediating others or themselves).

Conflict can be used to strengthen relationships. It doesn’t have to be something to be afraid of. I acknowledge that these conversations are difficult, but they teach us a lot about ourselves and each other. It is an act of courage to turn up, it is brave to speak and it is scary to be vulnerable. And yet, this is where we can develop into better versions of ourselves. Strong and truthful relationships are one of the treasures of being human. Our lizard brains want to protect us, but when we are in defence mode we are not living to our potential. Tools like this re-connect us to ourselves and to each other.

I have uploaded this worksheet to my LinkedIn page and welcome you to download a copy to help in further mediations.

I am interested to hear of your experience with mediation- have you needed to mediate others? How did it go? What tool did you use (if any)?