Look for the obvious when you communicate and you could be missing the point

As I arrived, bleary-eyed, at the busy airport terminal for an early morning flight, I had only one thing on my mind – caffeine.

This airport was new to me. After going through security I headed straight to the one coffee shop in sight.

I jumped in the queue to place my order. A horde of peopIe converged on the cafe after me, and I was relieved I'd reached the line-up ahead of them.

By the time I clasped eager hands around my coffee, the queue snaked away from the cafe's counter across the terminal space.

It was only then, when I moved away, that I realised the space opened up to a whole food court containing numerous coffee shops - with no queues and very few customers.

I’d battled the crowd for somewhere to sit but here, at these previously hidden outlets, there were plenty of seats.

You have to laugh. When I’d entered the terminal, I was so fixated on my quest for coffee I could only see the one cafe.

Like a sleep-deprived sheep I'd headed for the crowd, believing it was my only chance at a caffeine hit before boarding (and after all that, the coffee was only average). I didn’t look beyond what was in front of me, even though logically a city airport would have more than one coffee shop.

What does coffee have to do with communication? This incident reminded me of a common trap for many of us. Whether at work or in our relationships with friends or family, we can fool ourselves into believing we're good listeners; skilled at extracting meaning from others.

What we're more likely to do is latch onto the obvious comment or facial expression in front of us, when there could be a whole host of other meanings lying just beneath it.

In Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Switzler, Grenny and McMillan, the authors describe the "path to action" we commonly take when communicating. We see or hear something, then tell ourselves a story about it based on our own back story and experience. That story might be very different from the facts, but that doesn’t stop us.

We then allow the story to fuel our emotions. We think we’re reacting to the situation when we’re actually reacting to the story we’ve told ourselves. That reaction then leads us to take a course of action, which might be at odds with the facts at the heart of the matter.

What stories are you telling yourself that get in the way of healthy communication? It's important to clarify the facts first, before your story leads you to do or say something that takes the situation in the wrong direction and potentially harms the relationship.

If I hadn’t spun myself the line that the airport cafe must be the only one in this hemisphere, I would have avoided a lengthy queue and enjoyed a better coffee in a quiet environment.

If you’re a leader, outstanding communication skills are much more than a "nice to have". Rather than wasting time on misunderstandings, be the one who takes the communication back to the facts.

Get curious, clarify, truly listen to the other person and aim to reach a shared meaning rather than firing yourself up on your own version of the story.

Not only will you build your own credibility, you'll be adding a huge amount of value for those around you.

Dr Neryl East is a credibility and communication specialist who works with leaders who want to be heard, stand out and command influence. Engage her to deliver a keynote at your event or a leadership intensive in your organization.