Managing Fear (Part 1)

"There is nothing worth doing that is not scary. There is no one who has ever achieved greatness without wrestling with their own doubts, anxieties, limitations, and demons." - Ryan Holiday

Nobody likes fear. Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world without fear? Think so? Not so fast. Some fear is very functional, even necessary. Fear alerts us to the presence of danger, and the threat of harm. On the other hand, we can be paralyzed by fear, we can panic and lose control. Fear cannot be eliminated, but it can be managed.

What is Fear?

There are many definitions of fear. Fear is a natural, powerful, and primitive human emotion. It involves a universal biochemical response and a highly individual emotional response. Fear helps us to avoid physical or psychological harm.

Back in the cave, our brain registered all the triggers that accompanied a flying reptile’s attempt to lunch on our head. Luckily there are no flying reptiles now, but our neurology remains very much the same. Immediate danger initiates a quick response from the lower part of our brain and then the switchboard sends the data to our huge cerebral cortex for consideration and a more reasoned response.

For example, we are driving down the road and a ball rolls out in front of our car. Our foot goes on the brake, immediately, before we look in the direction of the ball to find a child. The reflexive braking was the lower brain, and the looking for the child was the cerebral cortex. Neat?

But sometimes fear occurs in the context of misreading reality. For example, walking through the woods we see a snake. We immediate retreat, and then we realize that it was only a tree branch that looked like a snake. False alarm.

Fear always seeks to control something. It is useful to consider what behavior fear is trying to control.  Who is attempting to do the controlling? Is it a good thing, or something else?   

Fear was used to control us as children. Sometimes it was a fear that a bad thing would happen to us, other times it was a fear that a good thing wouldn’t happen to us. As we grew older, our parents became better at explaining the dire consequences that evoked fear. And finally, we became astute at assessing the dire consequences that society creates to control our behavior, from traffic tickets, to unemployment, to prison – yes, fear is part of life.

Internal or External Control

Fear comes in two flavors, internal and external. Either we use fear to attempt to control ourselves, or someone else is trying to control us. If we are horrified of public speaking, we don’t have to worry about becoming a standup comedian. See how that works? Similarly, fear of insects will likely keep us from becoming an Amazon Rain Forest explorer. We use fear to control our own behavior. Another internal fear is the fear of failure. This fear is generally based on a childhood that was not supportive and past failures. Sometimes we restrict our lives based on what we imagine might happen if we fail. 

By contrast, external fears are those created by others, typically institutions, designed to control our behavior, sometimes for the general good and often for the benefit of those creating the fear. For example, traffic laws are most often for the general good, and feature the fear of fines for speeding and harsh sanctions for those driving while intoxicated. By contrast, fears of all kinds of calamities, such as fire, floods, and car accidents, mostly benefit insurance companies since the odds are always in their favor. Got the picture? Though we may internalize fears given to us by others, we can counter their attempts to control our behavior by taming those fears.

Real vs. Imagined Fear

Fear is either reality based, or it is not. With reality based fear there is a real danger to body, mind, or spirit; in the other we have imagined a dreaded consequence that is not supported by reality.

When fear is based in reality, attempting to reduce it is an attempt to alter reality. Good luck with that. Reality can be difficult and may pose many challenges, but it is the only place to live. When fear is not reality based, cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) is a useful approach.

The ABCDs of CBT are an Activating event, a Belief, a Consequence and the process of Disputing a belief not based in reality. 

For example, a person sees a spider (A), they believe that the spider is poisonous and will bite them, they will become very sick, perhaps die, leave their family behind to suffer extreme poverty, perhaps be forced take up a life of crime, and so on, and consequently (C) the person screams, opens a window, and stands on the ledge of a ten-story window to avoid the spider. (Perhaps a bit of hyperbole?) It becomes the therapist’s job to help the client to Dispute their beliefs, which clearly do not line up well with reality.

A problem arises with respect to CBT when the fear lines up well with reality. For example, if one fears the consequences of reporting a co-worker’s dangerous behaviors, if one fears speaking out on a politically sensitive issue, or if one fears the consequences of having stage-four cancer. These are real fears, with real consequences.

Courage the Antidote for Fear

There are many definitions of courage. My favorite is “grace under pressure.” Courage is the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand fear. To be sure, it is action “despite” fear, and not action “without” fear. A brave person has fears. Courage is difficult, often necessary, and always contagious.

But how to take courage? Next week’s Newsletter (Part 2) will present a therapeutic method employed to face fear that is based in reality, and how to use context and perspective to assist in being courageous in the face of fear.