Managing your energy through busy and challenging periods

How do you cope when everything around you - work, family, friends - all collide at the very same time?

The past 2-3 weeks have been exactly that.

I had 8 speaking/training events, attended a 2-day Mastermind, organised my neighbourhood committee Chinese New Year (CNY)'s dinner, visited the Istana (Prime Minister's estate) for a CNY Party, hosted my team retreat and brought my team members around Singapore, while still managing the menu for dinner at home, groceries, helping kids with homework, taking client calls etc etc 🤯

While all that was going on, one of my family members was in a very bad way, needing almost daily care, ferrying from one house to another, reminders to take medication, a listening ear. That is just the functional part - there was also the underlying emotions and tensions that make it heart-wrenching, frustrating and helpless at the same time. 😭

My friend asked, "How do you cope? How do you still find the energy to do all of that? It must be so hard."

Yes, it was hard - to the point that it is hard to describe (even now). Could I have taken on less? Well, yes of course, I had a choice. But some things (like my family member's low period) just happened to collide and were beyond my control. So instead of blaming the situation, or people - I focused on managing, conserving and replenishing my energy.

Many people make the mistake of thinking that when you're busy, you should manage time. But really, what you need to be managing is your energy. In fact, a recent Harvard Business Review article describes exactly this.

Why Energy?

Energy seems somewhat intangible and hence people may find it hard to understand how to manage it. However, while you can't see it, you can definitely feel it. For example, when someone says nasty things to you, you may describe that as a "yucky" feeling - because the energy was negative. Or when you attend a rock concert with lots of people, you might feel "electric" - and not just because of the amount of lights at the concert 😉

Energy has a huge impact on your overall wellbeing - with sufficient energy, like your battery, you can function well and do what you want to do.. and feel good at the same time. With little to no energy, you will constantly feel tired and spent.

Notice your energy drainers and lifters

The first place to start would be to notice your energy drainers and lifters. For example, I noticed that picking up too many phone calls regarding the family member, especially when busy, was exhausting as my emotions kept getting pulled into it. On the positive side, I noticed that I felt lifted when I could hug my kids and enjoy a good meal.

When you're better aware of this, you can then be more mindful of reducing drain and intentional about increasing lift.

How to manage, conserve and replenish your energy during challenging periods

Next, it's important to know that like a battery, energy can be conserved (reduce usage or strain), replenished (charging it to boost) and managed (where to direct focus and attention.

Here are some of the things that helped me throughout this period:

👉Taking time to pause, and breathe deeply, especially when I notice emotions rising. For instance, I noticed my jaw start to clench when I got stressed, so I closed my eyes and took those deep breaths.

👉Talking to people involved so that we could work through situations together. For example, I needed to speak to my aunt and sis to manage my family member's medication, transport and almost everything else.

👉Communicating that I needed support - to my hubby, children, coach so that I would not have to handle everything by myself. From shopping, to managing homework, and getting emotional support. It was good to have people around me know about it and come in to replenish my energy.

👉Doing what I like to do and not guilt tripping myself. For example, I wanted to eat a bowl of noodles but at the back of my mind, I thought it would make me gain weight. Nevertheless, in such a busy week, joy is a bowl of noodles. So I just ate it and was grateful for simple pleasures.

👉Celebrating small successes e.g. "My family member managed his breakfast by himself today." At one point, he cut an apple halfway and said, "I can't cut this apple." He was helpless, and it made me feel so sad but when he finally got better, the small success felt like a big one.

👉Practice radical acceptance of the situation. When I found myself questioning, "Why me?" or "Why now?", I told myself "It is what it is. What can you do that is helpful right now?" That very often pulled me back into the present moment and I was able to take steps forward. Resistance can sometimes lead to more suffering.

👉Draw hard boundaries. If I am unable to take a call that would drain me, I would just not take it and I would not be apologetic about it. Instead, I would remind myself that I needed to recharge and rest, so that I could still be accountable to the other parts of my life. This of course comes with awareness of knowing what drains me and what uplifts me.

👉Buy time with clients by letting them know that my team and I are on retreat and responses will be a bit delayed. Sometimes we may think people are unreasonable but more often than not, if we explain the situation, people are understanding.

👉Replenish by getting sufficient rest, building exercise into my day. Though I wasn't able to stick to my usual routine, I walked to the train station, and walked to get food. These little bits of movement may seem small, but it's better than nothing at all.

👉Be with life-giving people who celebrate you, love you, remind you that things will work out. My coaches were so empathetic when I arrived at the mastermind flustered. Traffic was slow, my family member moved really slow and was very low, and I ended up at the venue late. Thankful for their kindness and love.

👉Live one moment at a time. I used to say "One day at a time" but things were really moving from moment to moment during this period. So after one thing was over, I took some moments to center myself, then moved on to the next. This helped me keep focused and prevented me from thinking too far ahead. As a result, I was calmer than I thought I would be.

👉Savour the high moments whether it was feeling pride in my achievements, taking a pic with lions at the garden party at the Istana, my elder daughter coming home on her own after a long day at school, hanging out with my younger daughter at the Art Science Museum. These were the moments that lifted my emotions and spirits.

👉Focus on the impact I was having - whether to my audience, the residents I have, my family member's recovery, etc etc. This shift prevented me from going down the spiral with my family member. After all, it almost felt like he had fallen into quicksand.

👉Keep things in perspective. Things may look bad, but sometimes we tend to think of worse-case scenarios so we can be better prepared. While that is helpful, sometimes it means we end up stuck in that thinking. Instead, find out the facts, and be focused more on the reality than "what ifs", and focus on what is going well. (Caveat: if something very serious has happened, like an accident or a major health issue, then this might not apply as much.)

Points to note

Did doing all the above make the difficult situation go away? No, but they helped in keeping me going, not feeling overly stressed (of course a little tired, but then I slept extra well 😉)

Did it mean that I couldn't smile at all? No, there is a time to enjoy and focus on the good moments in life (as you can see in the pics above). And there is also time to allow those emotions to come. Living this life means we accept that it is not a straight line.

Do I wish that I could just magic wand the difficult situation away? To be very honest, yes. Mostly because it is so hard to bear. The internal conflict and struggle is not understood by many. But I look back at what is possible, and remind myself that this is happening for a reason. Perhaps now I don't know it, but I will.

Can't we just run away from it all? Well, yes of course, you could. But that doesn't mean that it will resolve itself. And especially when things depend on you, running away means that when you do come back, it might be even more challenging to resolve.

Final thoughts

We can't predict what is going to happen, nor can we control everything external. The precious lesson I'm learning through all of this is to stay present, take good care of myself, reduce energy drains, while being ultra focused on energy lifters.

If you're going through this, you might be tempted to withdraw and hope that the time passes, and things go back to normal. And while that is of course an individual choice, I believe that the way we frame why all this is happening makes a huge impact on the way we respond to it. That way we can garner the energy to move through it calmly.

Sending you positive energy, love and compassion if you're going through something similar. This quote by Thich Nhat Hanh gives me great comfort: