Mastering the Art of Apologizing

When I was growing up, one of my favorite television shows was Happy Days, and my favorite character on that show was Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli — or “The Fonz” — who was the epitome of cool. He could tap a vending machine, and free sodas would appear. He could change music on a jukebox just by snapping his fingers.

He could seemingly do anything — well, except for one thing. He couldn’t admit he was wrong. He’d stammer, clench his fist. “I’m wrrrrr,” he’d say, literally unable to utter the words. From the perspective of the show, it was hilarious, but for anyone who struggles to apologize in real life, it can cause real conflict, especially in the workplace.

Apology-making can be awkward and, if done poorly, can add more damage to the relationship.  Here’s how to ensure that your apology repairs the relationship.

1. DO THIS: Check your ego at the door & take the other person’s perspective

Work to understand the other person’s perspective, and in doing so, you might find it’s easier to ultimately deliver that heartfelt apology. Stay focused as much as possible on the reason you’re doing this hard work of apologizing in the first place: presumably because you care about the other person and the relationship.

But DON’T give an empty apology

The empty apology is all form but no substance. It’s what you say to someone when you know you need to apologize, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can’t muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it. So you go through the motions, literally saying the words, but not meaning it. And that ends up being pretty clear to the person receiving the message. For example: “I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry.” 

2. DO THIS: Give a clear “I’m sorry” type statement

Cut to the chance and tell the person you’re sorry.  Express regret. And be genuine and sincere in your tone. Also, be specific and accountable; acknowledge your role on causing the harm. Don’t say you’re sorry about “what happened.” Tell them you’re sorry about what you did.   For example: 

-       I’m really sorry that I said that to you

-       I’m really sorry about what I did

But DON’T give an excessive apology.

In theory, apologizing is meant to rectify a wrong and rebuild a damaged relationship. But with excessive apologies, you do no such thing. This tactic, instead, has the perverse effect of drawing the attention to your own feelings, rather than to what you’ve done to another person. For example: “I’m so sorry! I feel so bad. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I feel so bad about this…” 

3. DO THIS: Explain yourself - -but not too much, and don’t make it an excuse

You might provide an explanation for your actions, though it’s essential not to dwell on the explanation or use it as an excuse.  For example:

- I’m really sorry that I said that to you.  I was really angry, but that’s no excuse for saying what I did…

But DON’T give an incomplete apology

Sometimes your apology is edging toward effective and appropriate, but it just doesn’t quite hit the mark. For example, you might take partial responsibility for your role, but not express regret or ask forgiveness (“I’m sorry that this happened.” ). Or you might express some regret for the circumstances of the other person, but not admit your role. (“I’m sorry that you feel this way.”) Either way, the apology is incomplete — and so too is its likely effectiveness.

4. DO THIS: Show you understand the impact of your actions

Really try to step into their shoes to imagine how it felt for them.  And tell them this sincerely, as opposed to going through the motions. For example:

- I’m really sorry that I said that to you.  I was really angry, but that’s no excuse for saying what I did.  I can only imagine how hurt you must have been about what I said…

But DON’T deny responsibility.

Sometimes, your ego gets the best of you and you simply don’t apologize at all (e.g., “This simply wasn’t my fault.”). Perhaps you’re so frustrated or angry that instead of apologizing, you defend, deny, or self-protect. You grit your teeth, dig into your own worldview, and deny culpability. Because of how hard it is to admit guilt, for some of us, this is as far as we’ll ever get. But as much as it might feel strong in the moment, denial does little to repair a fractured relationship and, if anything, likely exacerbates it.

5. DO THIS: Request forgiveness and express your intention to change

Finally, the point of any apology, really, is to repair the relationship and move forward.  It might not happen immediately, especially if you’ve truly hurt the other person.  But you should ideally request forgiveness and express your intention to change. For example:  “I’m really sorry that I said that to you.  I was really angry, but that’s no excuse for saying what I did.  I can only imagine how hurt you must have been about what I said.  I promise I’ll work on controlling my emotions and never say something like that again.”

But DON’T give an “if you feel” apology.  

 One of the weakest apologies is an “if you feel apology” – as in “I’m very sorry if you feel I hurt you” or “I’m sorry if you feel that I said something inappropriate.”  You can see how the phrasing of the statement actually ends up discounting the fact you’re apologizing in te first place.  In other words – “if you feel” almost implies that you yourself don’t feel or believe this or even think that an apology is appropriate or necessary.  And that form of “non apology” is clearly understood by your counterpart

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